


Perspective

by StarxCrossed



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Kylo Reflection, Kylo Ren - Freeform, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren Salvation, Kylo/reader - Freeform, Possessive Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:28:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 71,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23865271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarxCrossed/pseuds/StarxCrossed
Summary: You had one mission in your life with the First Order. Do not die, and if you die, die with honor. You thought that today would be a normal fight, fulfilling your contract with the order. You thought today would be the day you die, but from the launch bay things went sideways. When the Commander Ren took control over your flight squadron and joined it you should have known it would be anything but a normal flight. Then came the moment where you sacrificed your life for the First Order. Or so you thought. . . The commander saved you, but why? What did this mean, and what does coming under the eye in such a dramatic fashion mean for you and the mysterious Kylo Ren. Does a life count for a life, even if that is the life of the most powerful man in the galaxy?
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader
Comments: 55
Kudos: 76





	1. Cold Exspanse

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! This is my first attempt at ever writing a fan fiction so I apologize now for the less than juicy beginning, but I wanted to set the stage for their meeting instead of rushing in. This will be a slowish build. I want to focus a bit on plot and a bit on romance as well. As with any good romance though, there's a simmer. I want to share songs that inspired me with a snippet of their lyrics before every chapter to maybe help you feel the way I felt writing. <3 Thank you for taking the time even if you don't care for it.  
> \-----------------------------  
> "Catapult"- 2WEI  
> "Can We Kiss Forever"-Kina
> 
> "I tried to reach you, I can't hide  
> How strong's the feeling when we dive  
> I crossed the ocean of my mind  
> My wounds are healing with the salt  
> All my senses intensified  
> Whenever you and I, we dive  
> I crossed the ocean of my mind  
> But in…"

The sound of the blaring alarms jolted you awake. Instinctually you threw yourself from your first order standard bed and into motion. “All pilots report immediately to stations. All pilots, I repeat, report to your stations immediately.” You shoved your hair back into a messy hair tie before pulling your flight suit up around your shoulders. You had learned early in your career as a fighter pilot to keep your EVA suit ready and waiting. It was at the point that without it on your skin you felt insecure. You fastened the suit closed and grabbed your gloves as you sprinted through your room's doors toward the TIE bay. 

As you ran through the doors you heard the flight directing screeching you TIE number at you. You could see from the force field from the end of the hanger that the patrol squadron was attempting to hold off rebel x-wings. “DS-35 REPORT TO BAY 6!” You sloppily saluted as you ran by to the helmet and life support racks. You snatched your vest, threw it over your head and snapped it on. “Hey boss. It's about time for some glory huh?” Your eyes flicked over to the man standing next to you. Malek was smiling with a wild look deep in his eyes that spoke more to insanity than the lust of battle. All TIE pilots knew they were dispensable and looked at death in the coffin as the highest level of glory. 

“Yeah, time to reap.” You snatched your helmet and jogged toward your TIE as you secured it onto your head. You climbed into the cockpit and bussied your hands with connecting your life support hoses from your vest to your helmet. “Com check. This is DS-35, sound off squad.” You listened to your squadron call back their operating numbers before starting up your twin ion engines. Once strapped in and the transparisteel locked into place you hit go on your life support. “Engage deflectors and prepare for launch. Command, squadron requesting launch.” 

As you waited for clearance to launch the sound of the life support flooding from the vest hissed in your ears. “Stand by for new squadron leaders go DS-35.” You tilted your head slightly, growing annoyed.  _ New squadron leader. Who the hell did this fucker think would override your position. _ You had devoted your life to not just submitting to the first order, but to dominate and suppress all competition. You had decided if it was the first order or elimination, you would do nothing short of casting an immeasurable shadow over your peers. 

The bay doors opened and an immensely tall figure in all black robes, hood concealing his face, walked toward the heavily modified TIE/VN. Realization ran over you like the icey waves on Endor. “Fuck” you whispered softly. Kylo Ren himself loaded into the TIE and was promptly strapped in and ready to go. “DS-35. Your squadron is cleared for launch.” The commander's heavily modified voice betrayed no sense of emotion towards the upcoming battle. You wondered quietly why the Commander of all people would bother with such a skirmish, and almost pitied the X-Wing pilots misfortune.  _ Command must be boring. _ You mused.

With little hesitation you launched from the bay and into the glorious inky black void beyond. There was no time to admire the jewels glittering across its canvass as you so often did on patrol flights as laser blasts narrowly missed you. “DS-86, DS-57, follow standard clean sweep procedures. Confirm deflectors in operation and begin elimination of all rebel pilots in 3...2...1.” You yanked your controls causing your craft to peel off from the formation. 

You started to lay a barrage of fire down on your chosen X-Wing in your ear while you listened to your squad reporting at random intervals. The X-Wing burst into an explosion before crumpling and going dark. Just before the alarms on your ship chimed a warning you instinctually yanked your controls for an evasive move. Your ship alerted to incoming fire and you continued the roll rapidly dodging a rear attack. As you rolled your craft to the side you yanked the controls backwards to allow the X-Wing to roar past. You always trust your gut when you flew, that’s what made you such a successful pilot from the start. Once the pilot realized their mistake it was too late, while attempting to execute a defensive maneuver you squeezed the trigger. You continued to methodically work your way through the mess of TIE and X-Wings picking them off carefully. For you this was another day, and you felt completely at peace inside the safety of your small cramped cockpit. 

“This is DS-86.” Malek's voice barked in your ear. “I need support, I can't shake em.” His voice sounded like ice shattering across a pond. You glanced to the screens trying to pinpoint his location and saw two X-Wings on his tail. 

“Copy. I’m inbound. Head my way. We’re going to pull a courage maneuver.” As you corrected your course and began speeding to the other side of the star destroyer near the launch bay you heard that same modified voice over the radio. “No. The courage maneuver puts the ship's safety at risk. You will continue evasive maneuvers and I will intercept.” You frowned as your TIE sped towards their position. “BELAY THAT ORDER MALEK!” You yelled as you neared them. The moment you crested the ship you locked eyes on Malek hopelessly trying to evade two X-Wings on his tail. The Commanders TIE was closing on his position, but you knew there was not enough time now. “DO NOT DEFY ME! I AM ACTING SQUADRON LEADER!” The modulated voice tore through your headset, and it almost felt as it ripped through your mind. 

Dizzy from the seemingly physical and auditory assault you shook your head and began pursuit after Malek. The Commanders ship was firing calculated shots at the evasive X-Wings with no success. You were on a path to intercept the chase from the side when Malek made a fatal mistake, a fated mistake. On his bank the X-Wing flanking his right side fired, hitting the TIE fighter mid roll. You heard Malek scream for a moment before his ship erupted into an explosion. It felt like his scream was continuing to ring in your mind. “FUCK, FUCK FU-” You were cut short as the X-Wings roared into a backwards roll in an attempt to flank the commander. The Commander fired narrowly, tearing a wing clean off causing the X-Wing to careen wildly through space as the other rolled backwards over him, before settling into position behind him. 

Time seemed to slow for you as you began firing wildly at the X-Wing. If he died because of your negligence you might as well jettison yourself into space than come back. The Commander was eerily calm for a man being fired upon, and somehow, almost miraculously, avoiding blasts at his ship. You focused on your breathing as you realized you needed to protect him at all costs. There was a strange feeling of knowing what you needed to do, that it would be ok. “Commander.” There was a delay before the distorted voice came through. “Yes.” You allgined your craft for a collision course with the X-Wings path. “It's been a privilege to fly with you.” You said before slamming your thrusters forward. The alarms inside the flying coffin screamed in your ear, and distantly you heard screaming in your helmet, wait, no, no. . . You. You were screaming as your ship smashed into the X-Wing and your body slammed into the restraints painfully. 

For a moment all you could see was white and then your vision cleared letting you surface to a world of agony. The transparisteel was cracked and chunks were floating in the vacuum before you. You became aware of a voice yelling in your ear. “RESPOND DS-35!” You tried to adjust in your flickering, dying, tomb to figure out where exactly the pain was coming from. You tried to look down but the agony in your neck caused you to suck in a breath so you settled for slowly running your hands over your body in an inspection. “I’m here. I’m alive.” The tips of your fingers made it to your thighs and you stifled a cry. A piece of the ship's side had shredded in the impact puncturing your hull. A piece of it was embedded into your upper thigh.  _ For now at least I'm alive _ . Looking at the dying screens before you, you realized that in the impact your craft was starting to overheat from a malfunction in the onboard coolant for the ship's solar converter.

“You’ve been unconscious for a few minutes. . . We’re pulling you back into the bay now.” The flight control officer's voice sounded slightly relieved. You cleared your throat again and began trying to get the dying terminal to respond to a total shut down. “Negative control.” Your eyes flicked up to look out of the transparisteel port in front of you seeing the launch bay close to 100 yards from you. “My ship won’t power down. If you bring me in there it’s going to decimate the launch bay. The cooling system is down” you paused to suck in a painful breath as the beam stopped dragging you. “Just. Just leave me out here. . . “ There was a pause in the coms before an unfamiliar deep voice came over the radio. “Take off your harness. . .and prepare for retrieval.”

“. . . I don’t understand. Who is this?” Your mind wondered if you were already beginning to give into hallucinations. There was no way the tractor beam could pull you into the ship, without targeting the ship itself. “This is Commander Kylo Ren. What was unclear. I am retrieving you.” You watched as his figure clad in black walked to the edge of the bays barrier and raised a hand toward you. “Sir, my leg. It’s been. . . Well. It’s impaled. I can’t move.” You said unstrapping your harness and moving it behind you painfully in the seat. The movement alone caused black spots to dance in your vision. His deep voice returned “This will be-” There was a delay and then suddenly you heard his voice in your mind, and you couldn’t explain why, but it felt like something was coming towards you, like he was coming closer.  **_This will be unpleasant._ ** The invisible movement reached the front of the ship, and then wrapped itself around your body. A warmth emanated from it like a gentle sun. 

You groaned as your body shifted slightly in its grip and pain screamed through your body threatening to destroy your thin grip on consciousness.  _ It’s the force. He’s using the force. _ Suddenly your body was ripped out of the cockpit exploding the transparisteel with your body and causing you to scream. The force of the movement had tore the metal out of your leg. Everything started to melt together, like trying to remember a dream. You were flying toward the launch bay, then you were held wrapped in and against something firm but warm and your helmet was pulled from your head. There was a wonderful aroma that smelled like citrus and spice. Then the blinding lights of the hanger and medics kneeling around you. 

You closed your eyes and when you opened them again from the agony coursing through your body you faintly made out the medics around you again, but in a new room. Your skin was cold, this hard surface was cold. You shifted our eyes to the side seeing a tall impossibly tall dark figure to the side.  _ It’s death. . . I'm dying. I'M DYING  _ You began to scream and thrash against the medics as your fight or flight kicked in dumping adrenaline through your veins. 

  
You couldn't tear your eyes away from the figure as it swiftly walked towards you. “NO! NO!!!” You screamed partly in terror, partly in pain. It reached out with blackened. . . skin? Was that skin or leather? You couldn’t tell as the figure grabbed your flailing arms and pinned them beside your head. “WE NEED TO CLOSE THIS WOUND!” A voice yelled. The hooded dark figure lowered itself close to your face and you realized with wonder that it wasn’t death. It was an angel. His face was pale and stunning. You stilled staring into the warm amber pools of his eyes below his knitted brow and whispered softly. “An angel...You’re beautiful.” There was a pause as his eyebrows shifted from irritation to surprise before he released one of your arms. He moved his hand to the side of your head. “ **_You are safe, you are comfortable. You will sleep.”_ ** The scent of citrus and sandalwood from his closeness washed over you soothingly as you let out a soft stunned “oh no” Then darkness started to consume your vision. The last thing to be taken from you was his amber eyes boring into yours. 


	2. Dream of Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo pays you back for saving his life by saving your own, and then some. And why does he keep giving you strange looks?  
> What is going on inside Kylos mind during the dramatic event of the previous chapter?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there guys for Ch2. I debated on having Kylo step into her mind, but I thought the visuals would be interesting. I also really enjoyed writing from Kylos point of view of the events. Enjoy! Also. I chose this song because it's a wonderful song to put on loop while you read this section. 
> 
> "The Encounter"-ABBOTT

The fall into the unconsciousness that Commander Ren sent you into had felt like slipping into a warm bed. Within its protection the world was at first black, and then color and shape began to form haphazard images. You saw the moons over the rooftops of your home city, and then you fell into the fields of blowing grasses where your family would spend summers.  _ Let me stay. _ You thought weakly trying to move a body you no longer had to caress their strands. In a moment it vanished and you were thrown into a violent icey ocean. You tried to kick and rise to the surface but were met with only agony striking through your right leg. The ocean vanished and you were thrust into the inky blackness of space. 

You relaxed basking in the peace this scene always brought you. The glittering jewels on a silky canvass seemed to whisper of light and hope to you. Hope for a future, hope for adventure, hope of a release. **_Wake up._** You slowly turned your sore neck to look for the source of the far off voice that seemed to also resonate from within your mind. The memory of who it belonged to was dancing just outside of your reach. “Hello?” There was surprise as you realized you could hear yourself speaking within the expanse of space. **_You need to wake up now._** The voice was closer and you tried reaching out into the world with a non-existent arm. 

As if your mind had willed it, slowly your sore and battered body began to slowly take form. Your arms floated up gently into your vision, you could feel a loose gown floating and kissing at your skin in its weightlessness. “I don’t want to leave this.” And it was true. Your heart was crying at the realization that none of this was real. That your beautiful reality was nothing but fantasy created by your mind. But why were you here, what happened, why did you hurt so much. The voice seemed to come from beside you now.  **_This is not real. If you stay, you could die._ ** A sensation of something unseen beside you caused you to turn your head to the right, and just beside you there was a dark form growing more solid by the second. “Die? What are you talking about?” The voice that left your mouth normally so reserved in its emotion cracked at the end betraying the fear building in your blood. 

The voice no longer seemed to come within you, but from the now solidifying black mass. “You were injured in a collision. The damage was extensive to your right leg, your impact caused damage to your head and retrieval caused a laceration to your left shoulder along with exposure damage.” The voice was deep and rich without emotion, and as he spoke the mass formed a familiar image. Commander Kylo Ren was beside you, his black robes and dark hair lazily floating in the void. As he reached over and used your upper right arm to turn you, his touch triggered an avalanche of memories. 

There was Malek, Malek dead due to the Commanders idiotic call. “I could have saved him.” you whispered in a daze and looked down at the Commanders hand. “And. . But. . I saved you. . . “ Your eyes widened as your mind flashed the collision into your mind. You jolted with pain as your leg began to shoot bolts of pain through you, only causing all of the sore spots on your body to cry in unison. Slowly you looked down at the screaming spot on your thigh and saw blood starting to weep through the fabric. “None of this is important. You need to let go of this and wake up.” The Commander's large leather clad hand grabbed your chin and turned your face towards his to gaze into his dark amber eyes. Another memory crashed through your brain. “You saved me. You saved me and then. . . “ The memories were fading as you tried to push the confusion away. It was too much and all you wanted was the peace of this place, or wherever you would travel next. “Stop. Stop fighting it. You will wake up. I will make you if I have to but you WILL wake up.” His voice was taking on a tone of frustration, causing it to rise in its intensity. You watched in wonder as his eyes seemed to reflect that same frustration. His eyes were so expressive, and such a traitor to his normally unreadable exterior. You could give into them as easily as this place.

You both remained silent staring into each other's eyes, bothe lost in contemplation of what would be next. Did you really want to awake to what. . . pain? Commander Ren seemed to be searching your face for a clue as to what to do with you in the silence before composing himself. His voice seemed calmer than before “I can try to heal your wounds. More specifically the damage to your leg. But you have to wake up now.” He released your chin and held his hand palm up between you. “Make a choice.” There was an intensity to his gaze, almost like a dare. You took a look out at the stars and then looked back to him. “Will this be. . . unpleasant like before?” You had finally remembered his voice in your mind saying that before he ripped you into the vacuum of space and then. . . where was it? Something firm and warm wrapped around you. Something that smelled wonderful and intoxicating. 

“If you do not resist it won’t be.” His gaze had relaxed back into his ever passive observing expression. Unreadable and somehow drawing you into his orbit. Slowly you reached up and took his massive hand in your own. His hand closed over yours, and before you had a chance to remark foolishly about how small and pathetic you felt in his hand there was his voice once more booming in your mind.  **_You will wake, now._ ** __ You gasped feeling as though you both began a free fall from the stratosphere, causing you to try and reach out to him with your other hand. There was a blinding flash as your hands grabbed nothing, and then the pain was back.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Kylo had been stunned when he felt her scream not only in his ears, but his mind. There was a moment where the force had reached across the expanse and seemed to weave their minds together like a tapestry. He saw the inside of her ship in a flash, felt the sour stench of fear filling his helmet, and her heart seemingly pressed against his own, slamming into him with an impossible pace. Then she was gone. He immediately tore into the launch bay, disturbed by the experience. 

Upon exiting his craft he strode quickly towards the launch bay supervisor. “WHAT IS THE STATUS OF DS-35!?” He shouted towering over the man. Kylo needed her alive, he needed answers. Nothing like that had happened to him in all the years of wading through blood, and death. He had twisted countless bodys but the force had never once lashed their moments to his own. The officer began trying desperately to call the pilot up while Kylo glared impatiently at them. He pulled his helmet from his head in a swift movement and slammed it into the ground, causing a fracture in the launch bay floor. “Pull her in, I want that pilot.” Kylo snapped looking at the launch team. They scrambled beginning to work when the supervisor snapped upright. “She’s responding sir.” He said and turned to look at the console in front of him. 

Kylo snatched a com device from the console and walked towards the launch bay opening. “-ship won’t power down. If you bring me in there it’s going to decimate the launch bay. The cooling system is down” He heard the end of the statement and felt fury welling up inside of him. It was just like fate to do this to him, as it always did. Constantly giving and then ripping away from him so it could cause strife. There was always a fight in his path. His stride became filled with rage, as if he was a titan crushing cities beneath his boots. “Just. Just leave me out here. . . “ He remembered her fear and wondered now if it returned. Her voice was calm in his ears, far too calm for someone most likely bleeding out in a bomb, and he felt a flicker of concern.  _ Why?  _ Kylo didn't know why he was doing this as he was closing on the launch bay opening, but as the words passed from his mouth he felt a warm comfort flooding through him, something familiar.  _ The force? _

“Take off your harness. . .and prepare for retrieval.” He walked just up to the edge of the barrier and stared at her ship through the barrier “. . . I don’t understand. Who is this?” Her voice sounded even more devoid of the life it should have had in it for an individual in pain. “This is Commander Kylo Ren. What was unclear. I am retrieving you.” He began to focus his mind towards her ship, to focus his rage at this happening to him. For this complicating him. He raised his hand and she spoke again with a faintness to her tone. “Sir, my leg. It’s been. . . Well. It’s impaled. I can’t move.” He heard muffled noises of pain in his ear and for some reason it caused his temper to flare even more. He would not lose this strange woman whose rashness had caused his complications. She would be answering to him. 

“This will be-” Kylo paused trying to decide if he should lie to her about the experience. She may not be so willing to answer his questions later. His mind reached hers easily through the expanse, much to his surprise.  **_This will be unpleasant._ ** He finally reached out to her in her ship with the force, simultaneously feeling her almost as if she was right before him, and seeing her in his mind. Her leg was covered in blood, and her posture looked like she was defeated. His eye twitched as he focused on what he needed to do, and yet he felt for the first time in a long time as he felt her distress bleeding through the force toward him, something foreign. Something that made his chest feel constricted.

Kylo ensured that he had enveloped her completely, and then he ripped her toward him. There was the scream again in his mind, threatening to break the grip he had on her. He raised his other hand, standing like a man trying to reach the heavens and gritted his teeth. The scream stopped quickly as it came leaving him again unsettled. Her limp body guided by the force floated through the bay opening and Kylo took her in his arms. A medic ran up beside him and disconnected her helmet before removing it and he stared down at the woman. For a moment there was no sound as he examined the planes of her face, wondering if she would live. 

After a moment there was a struggling movement in her face as she attempted to open her eyes. Kylo felt the tightness slowly release from his chest, and watched her surrendering to unconsciousness, causing her face to fall against his shoulder. He laid her on the gurney that was waiting to receive her. Kylo’s mind wandered as he followed them to the medical bay.  _ Why did I feel this. . . girl. Why did she save me?  _ Kylo continued searching his mind as they placed the woman on the operating room table. The team began cutting away her clothing, and with a sense of curiosity he watched. Slowly he saw them reveal inch by inch silky skin. It looked like it was glowing under the light. He watched the curve of her shoulder appear, then her collar bone, her delicate feet, calves, and even her mangled thigh ripped open looked as though it was glowing under the lights. He was hypnotized as he stared at her lying only in her underwear on the table. Kylo could almost feel the smooth texture sliding under his palm, and he clenched his fists tightly and frowned.  _ Enough. _

As he chastised himself she slowly opened her eyes for the first time before turning her head. He felt his emotions leave him as he stared at her.  _ This is a trick. This is a response to battle fatigue. She is nothing. _ Kylo was still trying to verbally berate himself when her eyes widened and the screaming started. He strode forward, annoyed yet again with this  _ girl just a nothing girl  _ and grabbed her wrists. He roughly pinned them onto the table beside her head and leaned down toward her. That's when she stilled and a look passed over her face, a look like seeing snow for the first time, a look like she had witnessed the creation of a universe, a look like she had seen the face of the gods. 

“An angel...You’re beautiful.” Her words caused his grip to loosen into a gentle grasp, and in the closeness he saw reflected in her eyes his surprised face.  _ An angel, you’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. An angel. Beautiful. _ Her voice snaked through his mind cascading through it like rain. He raised his hand to the side of her face trying to recover his mind. “ **_You are safe, you are comfortable. You will sleep.”_ ** Once again the connection to her mind was easy, as if he was seeking his own. She let out a soft “oh no” as if she remembered something important before her eyes shut. 

He remained with the medical team as they treated the exposure damage tediously, then closed her mangled leg, and her shoulder to the best of their abilities. “Put her in the officers private rooms. I will need to question her. And notify me if there are changes in her condition.” Kylo received a stiff “Yes Commander” from one of the nurses before he strode to his room. His thoughts caused his steps to become long and reflective of his inner rage. He was allowing himself to become weak, and he hated that. Hated her. Hated her voice.  _ An angel. Beautiful.  _

It followed him for the following day, always at the edge of his mind. No amount of terrifying ignorant incapable officers could drown it. When he tried to rest, her face came back in his mind with that wide eyed wonder. Normally when he layed down he saw other faces, angry, screaming, blank and lifeless, his mother, his father disappointed, but this  _ nothing girl _ was drowning them. He needed those faces, needed the rage they supplied him with for his power. Not this. She was a problem that he needed to. . .  _ Handle? Solve. . . End?  _

During the day he was approached by an officer as he was reviewing his next mission plan on the bridge. “Commander Ren Sir.” Kylo turned to the man annoyed that he was interrupting his work. “What is it?” The voice modulator on his helmet always caused the same effect on them, a deepening fear of this masked giant. “Sir, you requested to be notified of DS-35’s state. . . well sir.” The officer paused and Kylo stepped forward threateningly. “WHAT?” He boomed feeling his blood growing venomous with rage. “Sir, The staff believe that she may be fading. She has not woken since you placed her into sleep.” Kylo shoved the datapad into the officers chest as he barreled past him.  _ She could die when the First Order told her to die. When I tell her she may die. _ He raged in his mind. 

He stormed through the medical bay toward the officers medical rooms, force-shoving a doctor to the ground when he tried to stop him on his path to her room. “LEAVE ME” Kylo boomed to the nurse that was trying to redress the woman's leg on the bed.  _ The nothing girl. _ He sneered in his mind. “Commander” The nurse whispered as they swiftly left the room. He closed the door and locked it before standing beside her bed. He ran his eyes over the wound left open so it could heal properly and wondered if she would be able to walk properly again. 

Impulsively he pulled his glove from his hand and reached out. He let his fingers slide gently over the smooth skin of her thigh near her wound. “Ugly and disgusting.” Kylo whispered with a dark expression growing on his face.  _ A scar that binds her to. . .  _ _ An angel.  _ He recoiled his hand as her voice intruded on his thoughts to send a stab of guilt through him. He replaced his glove and then turned his attention to her mind. The connection was immediate and without distraction he registered the feeling of warmth spreading through his body. Kylo closed his eyes and then dove deep into her. 

\-------------------------------------------------

Your body was the first thing you were aware of as you took a quick breath. It felt as though someone ran you over with a speeder.  _ Or ran into an X-Wing to save the Commander. _ You groaned softly as you raised your arms to rub your face. As your fingers gently wiped at your eyes, trying to purge themselves of the intoxicating feeling of sleep that could be had you became aware of deep steady breathing on your right side. Slowly you lowered your hands and looked up at the towering masked form beside your bed. You swallowed forcing the embarrassment and panic at what had transpired in your compromised state. “Commander, I wanted to apologize.” Your voice felt painful as it slid over dry strained vocal cords. You coughed trying to clear the scratching away. The Commander was still for an extended period of time causing you to feel uncomfortable before his distorted voice ended the silence. “You are sorry for what?”

There was no way for you to read his tone through the distortion of the mask so you swallowed what little spit you had in an attempt to lubricate your vocal cords. “For. For damaging First Order property, myself included. For unprofessionalism unbefitting an officer of my station. For compromising your position by intervening on my behalf, Sir.” You looked away to your damaged leg and winced at the carnage. You looked back to his masked face and felt a flush as you recalled what lies beneath it. Your gaze averted to the safety of the door in an attempt to keep yourself from reacting further. The commander clenched his fists and then relaxed before taking a seat in the chair beside the bed. “You give yourself more credit than you deserve. I cannot be compromised by your actions. Your position is nothing of note and interceding on the behalf of an incapable pilot is expected of a squadron leader, and a commander.” You felt your eye twitch in a reflex of annoyance. How could he be this arrogant towards you after an apology, and after saving his life.  _ Incompetent squadron leader my ass.  _ You turned your face toward him knowing your temper was showing in your eyes. “Am I on medical leave at this moment, Sir?” The tone in your voice was feigned respect. The Commander raised his hands to the sides of his helmet, after a moment the nose piece rose and he lifted the mask free of his face. You felt a flush threatening to spread across your body at the sight of him once again.

He set the mask on the table beside your bed before resting his elbows on his knees to regard you with unreadable eyes. “For now, you are on medical leave, pending your recovery. Officer.” The last word seemed to imply like he was warning you. “Then Sir. I’ll speak as an individual rather than as an officer. A battered exhausted individual. However you planned to heal my leg, I suggest you do it or you get the hell out of my room.” His eyes seemed to take on a dark rage as his mouth opened with surprise. The warning this time was yours and it was read very plainly by your Commander. You could see his hand clench again in frustration before one of them shot out and wrapped around your mangled thigh. The pain was immediate and caused you to gasp. “You should be more grateful.” His voice was dark and barely above a whisper as he rose leaning over your face to stare into your eyes. You shot a hand down over his trying to pull it off in vain.

“You’re hurting me, Kylo.” It had rolled out of your mouth on the wings of a moan before you could stop it. The pain, the surrealness of what had happened, was causing your normally sterile hard persona to falter. His hand twitched for a moment as he stared down into your face as if he couldn't understand what you had said, before the grip relaxed to sit atop the wound. His long wavy hair hung down around his face in a luscious curtain. “What did you do?” His voice was still quiet but this time there was more there.  _ Is he upset?  _ Your mind tried to comprehend the question with no avail. “What do you mean what did I do? I took a X-Wing hull in my leg. I saved your ass.” You were trying to say it as carefully as possible while staring up at his face.  _ That gorgeous face.  _

His fingers twitched and his brown knitted. A wild look slipped into his eyes and now he whispered like it was a secret. “Yes. . . But why me? Why did you save me.” You were now intensely aware of that smell again, citrus and sandalwood. It made you feel too warm, and drunk. You needed him to get away from you, you couldnt think with him this close. You were confused by a flood of pain and lust from his touch on your leg despite the leather barrier. Kylos fingers twitched on the wound impatiently and you turned your head removing your hand from over his finally.

“There was this-”  _ There was this what. This feeling. This thing in your soul that told you to do it? _ You looked up into his eyes again trying to keep your expression guarded now. “There was this sense of duty. I could not in conscience let my Commander fall. It is my job to protect the First Order. I did my duty.” He peered into your eyes for a long while, as you stared back at him with as little emotion as possible. “When you are well, you will show me.” He said in disbelief. He looked down to his hand on your leg. “We’ll begin then.” He said taking his seat, hand still on your thigh, and pushed his hair back casually with his free hand. You turned your head to look at the wall on the opposite side of the bed. There was a long silence where neither of you spoke and then you felt it. 

The warm that you had felt in the cockpit began to slowly radiate from his hand and seep into the wound. You slowly turned your head to look at Kylo's face. His eyes were transfixed on your leg with an intense concentration with his full lips hanging slightly parted. Sweat began to form on his brow as the warmth began to spread from the wound across your skin. You sighed softly feeling a familiar comfort seeping into you. It was a strange feeling you reflected as your body relaxed under his hand.  _ Is this what he feels like, on the inside? Is that why he wears a helmet, to hide this part of him.  _ Your eyes began to close as you contemplated and he spoke up startling you. “No”. 

Your eyes shot open looking at him. “Eyes open.” If Kylo had heard your thoughts he made no sign of it and continued his work.  _ I need to get my shit together. I need to get my mind together. He’s an asshole and to think this payback for saving his life is some sign of goodness and warmth is juvenile. Get your shit together. _ As you berated yourself mentally the warmth began to ebb until he removed his hand to look at the wound. “It will take time.” He said looking at his now bloody glove. He peeled it off, along with the other one, and placed them on top of the helmet. 

You watched as he reached onto the tray of dressing the nurse had left and began to apply the wound cleaner to your leg. You winced at the cold stinging contact grateful that it was much less severe than before. “How. . . How did you do that?” You asked watching him set the bottle down and then begin to open the sterile dressings with his massive hands. He removed the pad from under your leg and then to your surprise gently began applying the large bandage. “The force.” He said quietly. “Oh.” You watched as his fingers gently ran over the edge of the bandage causing goosebumps to form on your skin. His eyes lifted to look up at you as he continued to smooth the bandage down and there was a look there in his face like he wanted to say something. “Ky-” His fingers stopped as you started to speak his name and you swallowed. “Thank you. . . Commander.”

The look died in his eyes to his unreadable gaze as he pulled his hands away to stand. “DS-35. Tomorrow.” He said, gathering his things. He turned and walked quickly to the door and pressed to open it. The door slid open and he looked over his shoulder at you one last time before resuming his animalistic prowl out of the medical bay. You released a breath you didn't even know you were holding and looked to the ceiling.  _ Should have died.  _ You gently pushed yourself up in the bed to look at the seat he had been occupying and noticed a black glove on the floor. 

When the nurse came in to give you your dinner she laid it on your nightstand at your request “So that I can return it to Commander Ren. Personally tomorrow.” As the lights dimmed later you picked up the glove and felt its leather under your fingers. “What am I doing?” you whispered before laying your glove clasped hands on your chest and closing your eyes. 


	3. Blood Lust

“Remembrance” -Tommee Profitt, Fleurie

“Animal”-Zayde Wolf

I've got that lightening in my veins  
I'm feeling something I can't explain  
Waking up the animal  
Waking up  
I've got this power living inside  
It has no mercy  
You cannot hide  
Waking up the animal  
Waking up  
The animal

\-----------------------------------------------------------

You layed in bed for a long time holding his glove in your hands thinking about the events of the day. The smell of him lingered on the glove causing your mind to constantly spiral back to his amber eyes, those parted full lips, the touch of his fingertips on your thigh and then. . . You always shifted your thoughts before they went to a place you could never know. You were setting yourself up for failure. _But, why would he come for me?_ Your mind kept running wild until sleep stole you in the early morning hours. 

You woke to a quick knock on the door and a nurse brushed in. “Well you would think you’ve had enough sleep young lady. Goodness, we have all the charm of a tomb, after all. This is the First Orders finest.” She finished with a devilish smirk and winked at you. Despite your serious nature you felt a small smile tugging at your lips. She was an older woman with soft streaks of gray running through auburn hair piled high. Her eyes were green and full of warmth. “Oh. Yes. I’m completely over stimulated, Mrs?” You teased back. 

“You can call me Beca.” She set the tray on your dinner tray and looked to you before her eyes found the glove. “Hmmm. I’m quite sure you're absolutely tormented.” Her eyes twinkled before she began elevating your bed. You cleared your throat not sure how to retort to her and stuffed the glove beneath your pillow. “I'm returning it to him. I don’t want anyone to confuse it with spent gear and return it to the uniform department. It’s not a normal glove.” You reached up trying to smooth your hair into place becoming aware that you were probably a disaster. “Oh mercy.” She sighed as she lifted the blankets from your leg. 

“I’ve seen a lot dear in my time. I mention The Commander, or as you call it ‘him’ and you hide your shame and smooth up your hair.” She deftly peeled your bandage away and then kneeled to inspect the wound choosing to ignore your gaping mouth. “I’ll chalk it up to mental trauma. Or a good bedside manner. . .” She trailed off for a moment before spraying the wound down with wash before peering closer. “Very very good bedside manner actually. This wound is healing as fast as a pod racer. . . “ She raised her eyes to you. “What did he do?” 

You shrugged unsure of what to say. “Well. He came in here, acted like an asshole after wrenching me from my sleep-” Beca cut over you sharply “Coma dear-” You sighed. “Right. Coma, as if that's any better. Then he squeezed the hell out of my leg before deciding to do some force thing on it. That gets us here.” Becca whistled softly before starting to open the bandage packages. “You’re very very lucky.” She said looking up at you. You tilted your head confused. “Why?” _He’s a sith apprentice lord warrior knight leader guy. . . whatever! He’s a force using asshole. And he owed me._ You thought defensively. 

Becca raised an eyebrow pausing. “You're young, you don’t know much I'm gathering about the-” She looked to the open doorway and then leaned closer to whisper. “About the Jedi. What he did. . . well. It’s not permitted. This is light force usage. I learned about this type of healing when I received training as a young one. The Jedi use it to repair one another. It’s very. . .” She looked down. “It’s very what Becca?” You had leaned forward as she spoke and reached out to touch her shoulder. She looked to the door again nervously before looking at you. “You can’t say a thing about this. You understand? Not even to The Commander.” You nodded and squeezed her shoulder. “I won’t. I promise. I put my wings on it.” You said with a small smile. Beca smiled back and then put her hand over yours. “I’m not saying what motivated this. Perhaps because you saved his life. But. . . When he uses the force to heal you, he’s sharing a piece of his life force to mend what was done to you. Essentially he’s giving fractions of his life so that you can walk again.” 

You felt as though your eyes were going to fall from their sockets as she stared at you intensely. “Wait. . . You’re saying I wasn't going to walk on this leg. . . And Kylo Ren, arch enemy of computer terminals, is fixing this mess?” You looked down and rotated your hips in the bed as best you could to look at the flesh of your thigh. You had to admit though, it was much better than yesterday. Beca stood up straight and shook her head at you. “After all that you heard walking again and fixing it.” She chuckled a bit and waved her hand. “You’re just like a pilot. Yes. Most of the meat in there was torn through. We attempted to mend them in surgery but your movement would be limited and unreliable at best. We have an assisted brace ordered to compensate mechanically for the damage . . . but you know the health restrictions on pilots and-” 

You had been staring at your leg trying to comprehend what all of this meant, so when the steps of boots echoed through the medical bay your busy mind missed it. The only thing that snapped you from your wonderment was the sound of his electronically modified voice barking to Becca “Come back later.” Your head snapped up to the sound of ‘his voice’ and there he was, just as tall and imposing as ever in your doorway. You became self conscious of your position: skirt pulled up to the top of your thigh, rolled slightly on your hip, knee bent. There was a burning feeling spreading across your skin as you noticed Kylo had remained seemingly staring at you as Becca rushed between his hulking frame and the door. _He’s drinking you in and fighting himself._ Your mind spoke up. You blinked several times wondering just how hard you smashed your head in the wreck. _No. He’s waiting for you to get your shit together moron._ Your own internal battle wrestled swiftly in your mind between desire and feeling as though you may actually be mad in the few seconds that passed.

You shifted quickly to sit with your back firmly against the bed and pulled your dress down further. “Apologies Commander. I didn’t expect you here.” You said with your usual professionalism. He finally broke his position and walked to the right side of your bed. “Did I not tell you tomorrow?” He asked before hooking his thumbs under the edge of his helmet. After a moment the helmet was pulled from his head and you were once again given the gift of his face. He set it on the stand beside the bed and looked at you with, well, what is that? _He’s enjoying this now. This effect he can feel in you._ There was a secret smile playing at the corner of his mouth, and something sparking in those amber pools of his. “Well?” He asked beginning to slowly pull his gloves off, never breaking eye contact. Again you shoved these thoughts back into your mind.

You opened your mouth silent for a moment before blinking rapidly and nodding. “Yes Sir. You did. I apologize. It must have slipped my mind. Time is. Well. I have nothing to occupy me or to track my time with.” Kylo slid the visitors chair closer before sitting down beside your bed. “I see.” _Other than my wild thoughts running viscously toward the thoughts of the scent of your skin, the touch of your fingers, the feel of. . ._ You realized suddenly that you were staring at his mouth and turned your face away. He tilted his head slightly regarding you with the same smug look hidden in his eyes. _Why do I feel this sudden understanding of this unreadable man? He hurt me yesterday but it’s like he apologized to me after without a single word. Just his look and the touch of his fingers bandaging my wound said so much, and just knowing that that was his apology._ “Where are you?” He asked quietly. You cleared your throat again and looked down to your leg. 

“The accident.” You lied. His head tilted slightly as he rolled your response around in his brain before switching his eyes from yours, mercifully, and onto your wound. “I will always know when you are lying to me. But we can continue our discussion from yesterday.” He said quietly as he reached his hand out and settled it over your thigh. Despite the violence yesterday you knew before he touched you he wouldn’t repeat that scene again. At Least not today. _I will always know._ You wished he would just shut up. This time his hand was placed above the wound on the top of your thigh. His fingertips were just wrapped along the inside of your leg. You fought back a new traitor to your composure, goosebumps, and focused on the wound itself. “Start at the beginning.” He said quietly and then the warmth started. 

It spread quicker this time across your thigh and seeped into the wound instantly relaxing your body into the mattress. You tried to guide your thoughts to the crash and closed your eyes for concentration. “Well. There was the attack. As you know. And then.” You paused feeling the warmth slowly creeping upwards from his hand. “Yes.” He said quietly. “Yeah, Ok right. Then you took MY squadron.” You emphasized the word knowing it was a jab at him but you would not give up what you've worked so hard to obtain. You felt his fingers twitch with the want to grab violently into your thigh but somehow he restrained himself. The warmth wavered for a moment as he _struggled to refrain from punishing you_ your instinct whispered.

“And?” He questioned. You kept your eyes closed trying to remember what had happened. “I think there was fighting, but then Male- I mean DS-86 was in trouble. And then.” You paused feeling a wave of sorrow threatening to break over your body despite the temptations now at work on you. “He was eliminated by the X-Wing pilot.” You felt Kylos second hand join his other hand on top of your thigh, and this time you couldn't suppress the goose bumps that ran across your flesh. “DS-35 . . . I’m waiting.” He said letting the warmth abate for a moment. You reached up to wrap your hand around your neck and rested it on the other that wrapped around your chest to soothe yourself and felt his fingers twitch again. You looked over to him and found his eyes turned to your hand at your neck. 

“I noted that your craft was now in a disadvantaged position with an X-Wing in pursuit. I attempted to destroy the enemy first. When that failed I set myself between you and the ship. This caused the collision.” Kylo seemed deep in thought. The warmth was slowly receding until all that was left was the warmth of his skin. He turned to the medical tray where Becca left the opened bandage and picked it up. You watched him apply it with the same careful placement and start his dangerous finger strokes over the bandages edges. You closed your eyes trying to push down a rising feeling of emotion. It felt like your mind had the moment he had connected to yours on the table, like when he came for you in that void and you took his hand. It felt like the dissonance in your mind stilled and suddenly you felt the muted emotion of affection flow through your mind like you were reading a book. You tried to focus on it when your voice whispered in your mind _You’re an angel. Beautiful. Beautiful angel._ “Stop.” you suddenly blurted out grabbing his hand and looking at him with angry confusion. 

Kylo's hand froze under yours and he turned his head to look at you. His eyes were guarded and searching yours, as if you had seen something you were never supposed to see. “No.” His voice was flat and dangerous. “I said fucking stop it Kylo.” You yanked your leg away from his hand and the freshly healing tissues protested caused you to grit your teeth. He shot his right hand forward and grabbed your leg by your inner thigh, causing a shutter to run through your entire body. “Why are you fighting me? I’m helping you!” He hissed, anger pooling through his eyes and bleeding across you. 

“ What are you doing to me.” You whispered now realizing that you were treading on dangerous ground. He released your leg while clenching and unclenching his jaw. “And what precisely, am I doing.” Each word that came out of his mouth sounded like he was struggling to control his behavior. “You’re. . . Well.” You struggled to find words wondering what to say to him. _You’re bleeding into me. Forcing these feelings, your feelings, into me. Or maybe you’re creating false feelings._ You shook your head. “Nothing.” You mumbled trying to avoid it by pulling the blanket over your leg. His eyes flashed. “No. No we are not done with this line of questioning. I did nothing, but you know what you did to me. Now tell me.” He said snatching his gloves from the nightstand. He pulled them on so forcefully you were worried he'd rip his hands right through them. You wondered if this was the same view rebel prisoners saw as he prepared to interrogate them. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You snapped, but your mind was trying to think. You couldn't remember much, just the feeling of his force around your body, you remember the crash obviously _somebody was with me when I hit_ , and then he was so close to your face on that cold table you could have leaned up and tasted his lips. _Waite, no we fly solo. What the hell?_ You were growing more confused wondering why you thought there was someone with you. He clenched his fists tightly and then stepped close to your bedside and leaned down. “If you wont tell me, I could always take it from you.” he said raising a hand to touch the side of your face. “STOP IT NOW!” You yelled trying to shove his hand away with your left hand. He grabbed your wrist pushing it down into the bed and you shot the heel of your right palm forward instinctively across his jaw. Kylos head shifted backwards for a moment, and you took the opportunity to reach up with the same hand and grab a handful of his dark locks. His hand shot up to your wrist in his hair trying to pull it free, but only succeeding in hurting himself in the process. With your fingers laced into his luxurious hair you ripped his head backwards and toward the right side of the bed. He yelled through gritted teeth leaning back from your body weight and pulling your left arm up. After a struggle to stay standing he fell to a knee beside you causing you to roll over on your side. You stared at him, still pulling his head back, inches from his angry face. “Let go of me Kylo.” You whispered giving him a warning twist of your hand. He growled through gritted teeth at the pain and squeezed your wrist causing you to growl in turn. “I could kill you. Right here.” His voice was dark and deep and full of _lust. He’s full of lust. He hates and loves this right now._

“If you’re going to do it. Do it. I don’t give a shit.” Your voice was angry and strong feeding off of the intuition that was coming to you about his emotions. You were fed up with these strange feelings, his strange questions, and most of all with his gravitational pull. _Id fucking die if I fell into this man. I’d turn to ash and I’d love every second I was burning._ The thought was so loud in your head as if it was a warning. Kylos eyes locked on yours slowly lost their angry edge, and then they were unreadable again. “Fine.” He whispered and began to loosen his hand on your wrists. You slowly opened your hand in his hair and as you placed a hand on his strong shoulder to push yourself back his hands shoved you backwards onto the bed. 

You tried to resume fighting but some invisible force seemed to blanket your body into stillness. Kylo stood up beside your bed and placed his hand on the side of your face. “You know I can take whatever I want.” His eyes were traveling over your face. He leaned down looking closer into your eyes. It reminded you of the closeness in the operating room right before he put you to sleep _and you said he was an angel. A beautiful angel. You’re beautiful._ You felt your eyes widen in wonder at the memory flooding back into you. “You said I was comfortable. That I was safe.” you whispered. “I did. But before. In your ship. What do you remember just before the crash?” His tone sounded almost like need. 

You glared silently from the bed as you tried to think of what to say. You knew this information was important to him now, but you also realized he didn't know if you even knew what he was seeking. _He felt it like I did. He must think he’s crazy._ “I don't know. And if I did, I certainly wouldn't share something so intimate with you.” A destructive rage filled his eyes and his lip curled slightly. _There he is. The Jedi Killer._ You steeled your gaze at him as he slid his hand to your neck. He tightened his hand gradually as he considered you, and then stopped when his eyes fell on his hand. _MONSTER_ He released you and whirled around to snatch his helmet from the night stand. In a furious flutter of robes and stomping boots he stalked out of your room and through the medical bay.

As you sucked in air as you closed your eyes and covered your face with your hands trying to calm yourself. You assumed now that not only would you lose the healing benefits of your _angel_ Commander you would lose your wings. If lucky you would be allowed to stay in with a movement brace, while receiving a miserable posting. That all was if Commander Ren didn't decide to throw you out of an airlock. You gritted your teeth and tried to steady your breathing as your eyes started to sting. “Fuck.” You mumbled. You hated to cry. Your father had always told you crying was for the weak who couldn't fix the problem or walk it off. You sat wanting to scream, punch or throw something across the room until you looked down at your hand. Wrapped between your fingers were a few strands of dark hair. You plucked them from between your fingers and realized you didn't want to break something, you wanted to break him like he was breaking your mind. 

\---------------------------------------------------------

Beca swept into the room at her usual hour with your meals, and then near the afternoon to change your wounds. This time she was carrying a black satchel that she held out to you. “This is for you.” She said with a devilish smile. “Maybe you’ll stop scowling and be a little cheerier. Your brace will be here in the morning and you’ll be free.” She said and turned to tend your leg. After Kylos care it had gone from mangled to injured. You had tried flexing it tentatively through the day to find minor enough pain, probably due to your wrestling match with Kylo. “My. . . Commander Ren is some kind of doctor.” She mused. “Missed his calling to be honest.” She said cleaning the scabbed jagged lines on your thigh. You glanced down as you fiddled with the bags clasp. “Well. I suppose if you want to murder villagers you should know human anatomy.” You snapped glancing at the scabs. It looked like something had exploded from inside her leg from the metal being ripped through the flesh instead of being pulled out. _War Stories._ You thought with annoyance.

Beca clucked her tongue at you. “Such talk. You know that's dangerous ____.” You looked up to her at the mention of your name and sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m just. I’m-” You finally opened the satchel and poured your personal data pad, a pair of your exercise leggings, undergarments, and a new black sweater onto the bed. “I'm so pissed and confused at him.” You mumbled, touching the sweater gently. It was made of some type of incredibly soft fibers, blended with some type of silky hair fibers. It was blacker than the night sky. You lifted the garment up to the light and Beca gazed at it obviously impressed. “As fine as any Coruscant lady could want. You must have made an impression.” She said knowing to leave Kylos name out of the equation. 

The garment had long sleeves that looked like they would come past your knuckles, the hem looked as though it came down well past your hips, with a deep hood. You tilted your head examining it, finding its over sized style funny, and then brought it up to your face. Ever so faintly you smelled it there in the fibers. Citrus and sandalwood again. You held the garment there for a moment enjoying the feel on your face before shoving it into the bag along with your other clothes with more force than necessary. “This is incredibly bold.” You said as Beca was cleaning up her supplies. _I'm not a fucking toy he can experiment with. Sending me a care package and this. . . this sweater that is obviously his. What in the hell was he playing at._

She raised an eyebrow looking at you. “I'm going to speak to you plain. Because I like you, and you're doing something quite wondrous here. You're playing a dangerous game, with a dangerous man. I don’t have any one way opinion on them. I don’t know them. Don’t want to. But what I see here is an effort at being considerate. You haven't had a single visitor besides my rounds, and them. And judging from the angrier than usual stomping through my bay yesterday, this is a peace offering.”

You looked down at your hands like you would when your mom would scold you. “And ______. Just be careful. Use your head. But don’t forget to look at the actions, he’s not much for words.” You twisted your hands feeling ready to burst with all of this. “Beca. I swear I’m not playing a game. I’m just surviving.” She reached out and tilted your chin up. “Tomorrow. Go back to your officers quarters. Take a nice long refresher. Take a long stroll to clear your mind and work that leg. Maybe get a warm drink. Then come see me in my quarters if you need a chat.” She smiled warmly and you couldn't help but reach out and pull her into a hug. Right now you just need a little comfort and you would be damned to reach out for that sweater. _At least where someone can see_ . “I will. Thank you.” She released you after a moment and wiggled her fingers before leaving the room. She paused at the door and just before it closed she added “I mean it. Visit me anytime. An old lady gets lonely.” 

Your gaze fell on the data pad as you opened the screen and typed your personal code in. You already felt better until you saw the ridiculous stack of missed messages. You raised your bed into a reclined position and started sorting through them by rank. Your gaze stopped as you saw a message from General Hux himself and clicked it. The video that popped up made you immediately concerned. Hux was seated behind a conference table with the helmeted Kylo Ren on one side and several other officers. “DS-35. In light of your recent. . . incident I am inclined to remind you of proper protocols regarding our TIE/LN, but. Since it was deemed necessary and quite beneficial to our Commander. Lord Snoke, Myself, and Commander Ren extend our gratitude towards your devotion for the First Orders security.” You couldn't help but smirk seeing the sneer of disgust as he mentioned Kylos name and gratitude together. _He really really hates Kylo. I couldn't imagine why._

“The First Order will be giving you a commendation at your earliest recovery for your” Hux paused to look down at his notes and then to return to sneering at you. “Your bravery and willingness to sacrifice your life for the First Order and The Commander. Report when you are well. A speedy recovery. Long live the Supreme Leader.” The video ended and you shook your head in amusement. _Crash a TIE, piss off the Commander. Get an award._

You continued responding to your messages, occasionally looking at the black fabric peeking out from the satchel on your bed as the hours wound deep into the night. Finally as sleep started to warp your judgement you pulled it from the bag and pulled it over your head. The fabric slid over your exposed skin with a warm seductive slither of its soft fibers. You looked at your reflection in the data pad screen for a moment before relaxing back into the bed and continuing to type. Before you knew it, you had fallen asleep


	4. Glitter and Rouge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The current situation you were in seemed difficult enough, and now erotic dreams of Kylo were adding to the stressors. To top that off you loose your temper and lash out at him. The best cure for disaster, a big dose of your best friends charisma and mischief.

“Black Widow”-Iggy Azalea

“Lover. Fighter.” -SVRCINA

"We were called into battle and all of it shattered  
But I'm aiming high not to lose you  
I know, it's not easy or that simplified, no  
But you and I are on each others side  
So take my hand and we will march to the front lines  
I will be your lover  
Fighter  
Harder  
Higher"

\------------------------------------------------

You were in the cockpit again, heading toward the X-Wing behind Kylos shuttle.  _ I’ve been here before. I’ve been here. No. Not again. _ You tried yet again to shoot the X-Wing down knowing you would fail. Time slowed and suddenly you were ripped from your seat, through the transparisteel and miraculously into space. You looked down at your body and realized you were in his sweater, your gown, and nothing else.  _ I’m dreaming. . .  _ A hand wrapped around your arm and turned you around to face your personal ghost, Kylo Ren. 

“Even in my dreams. I’m not free of you.” Your voice was rising in anger. You couldn’t believe that despite the events of the earlier day your mind would bring him here to your most private moments. “In your dreams?” He kept his hand wrapped around your upper arm as he surveyed the now empty void you both floated in. “Yes. MY dreams.” You said trying to shove him with your free arm. His other hand reached out as if anticipating your movement and trapped your hand to his chest. “I see you still want to fight me. . . “ He said, refusing to release your hand as you tried to pry it away. “Yes. I still want to rip your hair from your fucking head. You’re making me insane.” You growled. 

He smiled softly and you stilled, amazed at how soft his face became in that simple movement. “I like you crazy.” He released your upper arm and reached his hand up to place it behind your head. “But you know that don’t you. I felt you today reaching out to me. You know what happened in that crash don’t you. Admit what you did.” He said, pulling you slowly towards his face. “No.” You mumbled, hypnotized by the anticipation at meeting his lips with yours. “Tell me. And I’ll give you what you want.” He whispered while leaning down. Your bodies floated against each other and you felt heat start pooling between your thighs.  _ He wants more. He wants to consume you.  _ Your instinct was back. He brushed his nose across yours and then pulled your head back ever so slowly by your hair. He dipped his mouth down to your neck and took the flesh in between his teeth to slowly tease it. Your body arched forward into his as a blinding light flashed before your eyes-

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The brilliant lights of the rooms overhead coming on started you awake. You gasped and sat up in your bed too quickly causing a small pain to radiate through your thigh. You reached down to tenderly rub it as Beca entered the room with the doctor. “Good morning my sweet birdy. We’re here to get you used to your new brace and release you back into the First Order.” Her cheery demeanor couldn’t quite stifle the residue from your dream.  _ Anger _ .  _ Disappointment. Weakness.  _ The thoughts and emotions hit you so hard you had to clear your throat before beginning your session with the doctor. “Nice sweater.” She whispered as she helped you onto the edge of the bed. Your face quickly flushed signifying your guilt loud and clear to Beca.

You spent an hour with Beca and the doctor learning how to properly attach the brace. It wrapped below your knee to distribute the weight off of your thigh, and around your waist. It allowed your knee and hip to move regularly,and over time it would lessen its aid with use until your body had healed to the best of its ability. “You will still need to come in for weekly inspections so that we can ensure this recovery plan is best suited for such a. . . well. I was told it was much worse, and the reports showed extensive damage. But this should be more than sufficient.” He said rubbing his chin deep in thought. You smiled a little “Pilots do everything with excessive speed.” You said jokingly. The doctor scoffed and waved a hand as he exited. “Considering what you’ve been through, slow down.” 

Beca transferred you your discharge orders on your data pad, along with her personal information before giving you a hug. “I will see you soon my little birdy. Until then.” She left the room so that you could gather yourself. You slowly stripped the sweater and gown off of your body and stepped into the bathroom. You used the comb provided to brush out your bed head before washing your face. You brushed your teeth afterwards, grateful that your return to your crew mates didn't involve carpet teeth. The undergarments you owned were as basic as the First Orders idea of decor. Grayish white, not frills, and sporty. You slid your exercise leggings on and then your boots that had been blessedly left unharmed in the chaos of your arrival at the med bay. You stood in your sports bra staring at his sweater in the chill of the ship's air before angrily putting it on. 

You hoisted the bags strap over your shoulder and then reached under your pillow pulling out his glove. You looked at it quietly for a moment before shoving it into your bra.  _ Just to be safe. I don’t want to get caught with the personal property of the Commander. Theft is serious to the First Order. _ You convinced yourself as you headed through med bay. 

Your gate was considerably steady for someone who just had an X-Wing tear your leg into pieces.  _ Thanks to someone's skilled hands. _ You shook your head “fuck off” you whispered to yourself and pressed the button for the lifts. As you waited you heard a familiar gate coming down the hallway causing your mind to flash to last night's dreams. The towering figure of Kylo Ren rounded the corner with all of the dramatic flair befitting his station. You tore your eyes away from the mesmerizing animalistic grace of his figure, the power of his confident strides that caused his tunic to flutter in the wind and focused on the display panel. “DS-35.” His voice behind his helmet was low and guttural.

“Commander.” You returned with a shortness to your tone. There was a long silence, but you could feel him looking at the back of your head. As the lift doors opened you stepped in, expecting him to leave your company, but instead he walked in. He stood in front of you as the doors closed. You stared at the center of his chest refusing to acknowledge his presence. “I see you received the satchel, and the data pad to occupy your time.” Your head snapped up at him as a fresh wave of anger washed over you. “Take the helmet off.” Your tone was filled with bottled rage. He didn't move as he considered your demand, the only sign that he wasn’t a statue was to clench his fists slightly. “No.”

You let an angry sigh slide through your nose before dropping the satchel on the floor and ripping the sweater off over your head. “Then you can take this fucking shit back. And respect my god damn space.” You slammed the sweater into his chest, not surprised when he didn't move even an inch from the blow. He turned his torso to hit the stop button on the lift as you stood with the sweater pressed to his chest and then looked back down at you. “What the hell are you doing. I said take the sweater.” You pushed against his chest again as he reached up and removed his helmet. He dropped the helmet on the ground and took a step towards you, forcing you to back up into the lifts walls. 

“No. You had nothing acceptable to wear per the report of your squadron member that retrieved these items. Only uniforms and flight suits, and you are currently on medical leave.” He put his hand over yours holding the sweater and pulled it away to stay between you. You looked down at his hand feeling a sense of deja vu and then back up at his face defiantly. “I’ll put it in the incinerator if you don’t take it.” You challenged back. Kylo pushed your hand up, despite you trying to struggle against him, to the lift wall over your head. He was looking down into your eyes through a curtain of hair now. “You won’t. I always know when you are lying to me.” His eyes looked hungry.  _ You’re pissing him off. He’s pissed, he’s pissed and wants to finish last night.  _ You shuttered against the cold metal of the lift and the intrusive thoughts as you looked up at him. “What the fuck do you want from me Kylo.” You asked, losing the confidence to your voice. He lifted his other hand up to the side of your face as if to delve into your mind and you closed your eyes wincing. His body stepped closer, nearly pinning you between the wall and him. 

You could smell the leather and his scent washing over you. The closeness of his body was starting to abate the chill that had crept into your bones. You were aware of him moving down and opened your eyes wondering in shock if your dream was finishing. You watched him lean down and place his face next to yours as his thick hair pressed to your cheek. You tensed as his breath tickled your ear. “I want you to tell me how you’ve done what you've done.” Your eyes closed once more as heat pooled between your legs. 

“I don’t know what I’ve done.” You murmured. His free hand raised up and grabbed your neck in a loose hold. “You do. You did it when you were crashing your TIE. Soon I won't ask nicely anymore. I'm tired of your lies.” You bit the inside of your cheek to suppress the flow of rage, lust, and confusion. Your eyes snapped open as he was stepping away. He finally turned his intense gaze off of your eyes and picked up his helmet. He hit the button to the lifts stop button and it continued on its journey. You straightened yourself up and tried to regain your dignity as the elevator stopped. Kylo replaced his helmet and stepped off of the lift. “I still don't know what you’re talking about.” You defended again. He stopped for a moment with his back to you. You felt a strange sensation like you had in the med bay before his distorted, but unmistakably smug tone called back to you. “Oh. But you do. You can never lie to me.” 

The doors began closing and he turned to gaze at you from the mask. You did the only thing you could think of doing in your rage and threw the sweater at him. It froze in the air in front of your eyes as the doors clicked shut before falling to the ground.  _ That was professional. Really showed him. _ You stepped forward and hit your button fuming silently in an effort to snuff out your burning lust and then snatched the sweater from the floor. Your hand went to your throat as you walked towards your quarters in a rage. If you thought you were clearer on Kylo, you were crazy. The door to your quarters opened quickly for you and you stepped in. The officers quarters were better than most. It consisted of a desk, real bed, storage built into the walls, and a bathroom. The only thing that really mattered to you was the bed. After years on cots in the lower ranks barracks you treasured this item most of all. You stripped down and went to the bathroom to take a long hot shower. 

The shower was more difficult without your brace than you would have liked. Your leg had turned into a sore screaming mess as you limped in and sat on the floor. You focused your mind on cleaning and massaging your sore muscles in an effort to distract you from drifting into another Kylo fantasy. Once you were satisfactorily clean you limped into your room with a towel and leaned against the desk as you dried. “This is so degrading.” You mumbled snatching the brace up and reattached it. The strength it gave your leg was immediate and you were once again free to walk almost normally again. You moved on to your closet and combed through the choices. Flight suit, flight suit, flight suit, line jump suit, exercise gear, officers uniform, officers uniform. You grabbed a uniform and slipped it on. You twisted your hair into an appropriate bun before sliding your cover onto your head and inspecting your rank positioning. 

Once satisfied you were properly clothed you picked up the data pad and headed to the door. You were ready to eat something that wasn’t on a sectioned plate, and even the officers First Order food couldn’t curb your appetite. You walked slowly through the halls ensuring you made your injured leg work to support your movement, and enjoyed what little views you had on the way to the cafeteria of the galaxy beyond the window. 

The cafeteria was mostly empty due everyone being at their duty stations. You went to the line and grabbed your food before making your way to a corner table. You settled in and began reviewing missed reports, new reports, flight plans, escort logs, and the usual items for your squad between bites. You were still reading when a tray slammed on the table in front of you causing you to look up sharply. 

“How the fuck are you even breathing babe.” The small woman in front of you was none other than Kris, an engineer on the launch bay your squadron frequented. “I could say the same thing to you clutz.” Your smile was natural as you dragged her tray beside your own in an indication for her to sit closer to you. “I didn't know they let the rabble in here either.” You added with a smirk. Kris shrugged and pointed at a man watching her from across the room. “I got an invite.” She said before taking a bite of her food. “Oh no. Poor thing.” You said giving him a small wave and then looking back to Kris. 

“You still didn’t answer the question. No one was sure you were alive until you started answering reports earlier.” She leaned closer. “They thought The Commander killed your ass for the embarrassment.” You tilted your head and reached up to tweak her nose. She yanked back, frowning at you. “What embarrassment?” You couldn't imagine that you had done anything worse than what had happened. “Welllllll…...You know that cute nurse that I’ve kind of been stringing along.” She took an exaggerated drink from her cup as she looked at you with wide dramatic eyes. You waited rather impatiently for her to finish. “Well. He told me that when you were on the table. He said that you tried to fight the commander. He also said that the commander had to hold you down.” You looked around the room nervously and then grabbed her upper arm. “What else did he say?” You whispered. She smirked some and looked to her food as she dramatically selected her next bite with her fork.

“Kris. I swear to god if you don’t tell me, I’ll throw you in the back of my TIE and free drop us until you puke it up.” Kris shot you a dirty look and sighed. “Well. He said that you two spoke. And whatever you said to the Commander shook him up pretty bad. He was almost protective over you. He wouldn't leave the room the entire time they worked on you. It really freaked everyone out.” You leaned back into the chair and stared at your data pad.  _ Protective? Protective my ass. _ Kris shoved you gently. “So dish. What's the deal? What does he look like?” She whispered. 

You looked over at her. “What do you mean. I’m sure you’ve seen him.” Kris rolled her eyes at you. “Yeah. I’ve seen the creepy ass mask but I haven't seen his face. They say his eyes are yellow, like real yellow.” You looked down again at the data pad and tried to fight back a smile as you recalled his eyes. “No Kris. They’re not. . . They’re more like-able to. . . Well. Like a dark amber color. With little flecks here and there that are brighter sometimes, and he has these really serious looks sometimes, other times there's darkness. Alot of times though they’re unreadable.” He didn’t realize that Kris was sitting stock still staring at you with her mouth slightly open until the awkward silence was unmissable. You looked over to her and cleared your throat. “What Kris. The guy was in my face. I mean right in my face when he had to stop my crazy ass from launching off the table.” 

“Ok yeah. Sure. I’m sure he went through all of that, and you had time in your delirious state to assess the quality of his eyes.” She started giggling and grabbed your shoulder. “Oh my god. You are a dead woman for sure.” Her giggles were bordering on hysteria. You scowled trying to cover her mouth with your hands. “Kris you seriously have to fucking stop. You're going to get us thrown out.” Kris struggled to calm down as you chastised her until she was only grinning. “What else? I need to know, no, I have to know.” She said excitedly. 

You looked around the room catching some lingering glances from Kris’s giggle fit and shook your head. “Not here. Later. What are you doing tonight?” Kris finished her drink and shoved her plate away. “Well. . . I may or may not be going to a party in an undisclosed location. . . that may or may not have the forbidden nectar. . . that I may or may not invite an officer to. . . If she’s nice to me.” Kris leaned over and kissed your cheek quickly and hopped up. “I’ll come grab you at 23 hundred First Order. And I’ll save you the arguing of tonight, I’m bringing you an outfit. If they see an officer walk in you’ll kill the party.” You could practically feel your optic nerves tearing away as you rolled your eyes. “Oh stars. How the hell are we friends?” Kris shrugged as she walked away. “I’m the fun, you’re the. . . well. We can both be sexy. Catch you later good lookin.” 

You snorted as you gathered your things. You and Kris really did make a strange friendship. You were about rules, order, and professionalism. She liked to find loopholes and see how well she could dance just out of sight of the higher ups. It was why you were in an officers position and she still slept on a cot. You wouldn’t have Kris any other way though. She kept you sane during some of your worst times, and right now was starting to look like one of them. 

You spent the day walking, and on breaks from exercising your leg, sitting on the launch bay bridge watching the day to day movements. You talked easily with a few people you knew about their latest leave experiences and their plans for their stop at the next leave station in a few days. You joked about joining them in some of the favorite bars and tried not to make any promises. You preferred the forests outside of the busy towns than the night life.

After a day filled with walking and watching with some jealousy, the TIE fighters come and go from their patrols, you begin the journey back to your room. Your leg was a little sore from all of the activity but you ignored its complaints. “I need to walk this out.” You murmured. You rode the lift to the officers floor and then exited. As you walked down the hallway you nodded your head to passing officers on their way to duty stations wishing you could be cleared and return to the void of space. 

You entered your room once again and placed your data pad on its charging station before sprawling on the bed. You laid in the dim lit room thinking quietly about your future. You decided tomorrow first thing you would go see General Hux’s secretary to inform him you felt recovered and request an evaluation to be reinstated to your duty station. The worst that could happen is a bad attitude, and a no. They’ll give you your little commendation and shove you out of the bridge. You slowly fell asleep as you continued to plot your return. 

A knock at the door stirred you from your doze and you sat up rubbing your face. “Come in Kris.” The door slid back and she bounced with a smile bright enough to light up the launch bay. “See this is why I’m always early for you. You’re never ready!” She squealed and tossed a bag at you. You looked at her with an amused smirk. She was wearing an off duty dress that made you feel slightly envious. The fabric was a soft shimmery green that was draped from a gold collar at her neck that popped against her olive skin. It hung from her frame like a halter top in draped folds until it cinched at the waist before continuing down to her mid thigh. Her long blonde hair was in a half up bun but in a strategically messy fashion. And of course her glittering green cat like eyes were shadowed with gold. You wondered sometimes how someone so lively and colorful wound up in the First Order. Her outfit was a reflection of Kris’s carefree but controlled chaos. “You look like shit, but I can work with this.” She teased before attacking you with all of her considerable skill. 

You obediently stripped to your underwear and sat in the desk chair while she brushed and fussed with your hair. After consideration she decided to put your hair in one long braid across the top of your head, and then worked the ends that hung loose into different sized braids. “It’s functional, but oh so fashionable.” She said before adding “We both know how much you enjoy soul withering gazes. It should leave your eyes plenty visible.” You laughed and shook your head, liking the sound of the randomly placed silver beads randomly brushing past. “Well. It reflects my fighting spirit. You get me. That's what makes us fit.” Kris winked “If only you were a man. I swear.” You bothe erupted into a fit of laughter as she dug through her makeup bag. 

You watched apprehensively, you really weren’t a fan of makeup. Your father had always made it a point to associate it with the brothels in the city and you felt guilt as she began to apply it to your face. “Listen. I know how you feel about this stuff babe. But seriously. I’m not going ham. You’re gorgeous as it is. A little powder for the shine, a little shadowing to pop those gorgeous peepers, a little rough so people are convinced you're excited to be there and some lip work to make them think naughty thoughts and it’ll be amazing. I promise.” You sighed as she set a nail machine on the desktop between brush swipes. “In your hands go. There is no way you’re not getting the full Krissy treatment.”

Once the machine chirped, and Kris finished applying something that seemed a little darker than you imagined acceptable to your lips you pulled your hand out to look down at your nails. They were now a black lacquer with an iridescent red quality to them. “Well damn Kris. This is pretty amazing.” You said wiggling your fingers in the light. “You like that. Special order cartridge. I think it’s naughty enough to get the Commanders attention.” She said and bolted out of your pinching range with maniacal laughter towards the bag on the bed. "Kris I'm going to kill you if you don't drop it!" You hissed closing on her. “STOP OR I WON'T GIVE YOU YOUR PRESSSEEEENNNNTTT!” She squealed as you came even closer.

You stopped in front of her trying not to laugh. “Ok. Ok. Truce. What tricks do you have now?” You asked, holding your hands out in a gimme fashion. “Oh, but are you ready for my Jedi tricks, my padawan?” She asked before grabbing something in the bag. She dropped the bag and Held out a folded stack of garments. “That was a pretty good trick but that's a seriously small stack of fabric.” You said nervously. She rolled her eyes and held it out. “On. Now.” You took the clothes and with her help you worked yourself into them. The top was a sleeveless crop top that had a high leather neck and fitting to just below your waist. There was a small struggle as you removed your leg brace and had to ask Kris for help. You slid on a pair of some type of synthetic leather pants that blessedly stretched to accommodate your height, although skin tight, and rose to your hips. “I look like a Twi’Lek.” You said glancing down as you reapplied the silver brace. Kris scoffed and turned you to face the mirror. “A Twi’Lek wants to be you.” She scoffed.

You looked at yourself in full now. Your eyes were a dark ash smokey eye, and she had made your lips a dark burgundy. “You look hot and dangerous as hell.” Kris said with a smile. She hugged you trapping your arms to your sides. “I hope you have shoes because…. Lets face it. You’re a giant, and I’m just a sweet little tiny thing.” She said with a wink. You laughed and squeezed her arms as best you could with your hands and pointed to your closet. “I have boots. . . and boots. . . and that's pretty much it.” You said with a shrug. 

Kris went to your closet and began to rummage as you leaned closer to the mirror touching the teased up puffy braid that ran along your head. Kris went over to your closet to rummage through your large collection of boots before picking up a pair of knee high black off duty ones. “These will have to do, I guess…. But seriously. . . we are going shopping when we dock in a few days. This is just a crime.” She said gesturing at your black closet. You slipped the boots on sighing. “Says the girl that turned me into a pillar of night incarnate.” You said shooting her a playful glare. Rolled her eyes and opened the door to the hallway. “I know what I’m doing. . . You’ll see.” 

You followed Kris out and towards the lifts. “. . . So. My little tiny bad influence. Tell me why we don’t look suspicious right now?” You asked, raising an eyebrow at her. She waved her hand as she walked onto the lift. “Because. People wear off duty clothes all the time. . . And we’re hotter than the surface of Mustafar.” You shook your head laughing softly as the doors shut and Kris hit the button for the disposal level. “You really don't understand suspicious activity.”

Kris reached over pinching you playfully on your arm causing you to slap at her hand. “Ok. Fine. I’ll accept that but what type of party is in the trash and incinerator section of a star destroyer?” You asked, turning to face her. Kris shrugged and reached into the coveted secret dress pockets she had to pull out silver jewelry. “You’ll see. Now hold still.” She put a silver cuff onto one of your ears with a red gem stud in the lobe and then inserted an identical earring into the other ear. “There. Freaking perfect. I am so damn good at this.” She said in a dead serious tone. “Oh yeah?” You said raising your eyebrows and laughing. Kris waved a hand. “Oh you know I am dear. Now let's move it squadron leader. We’ve got some drinks to slam and boys to frustrate.” She said as the doors slid open. 

The disposal hallways were much wider than you had imagined they would be, and the lights had been dimmed due to the hour of the night. “Right about now I would really like my blaster. . .” you mumbled as you followed Kris. “I'm going to act like you did not insult my adventure. And you did not just pretend I didn't watch you break someone's literal face with only your surroundings last shore leave.” You raised an eyebrow at her and clucked your tongue. “Well. You wanted to start shit. . . drunk. . . in a skeezy smuggler bar. . . actually no. You know what. Why the hell were we even in that bar!?” You suddenly realize you had never wondered before. Kris gave you another absent minded wave as she stopped in front of a trash compactor door. “Not important. But what is important is the password.” She said with a wink. 

You watched as she opened the door and a rather large and grumpy crewman sat on a crate against the pass through chambers walls. “Password Kris.” She smiled brightly pulling you into the small room and the door closed behind you. “DS-35” She said and grabbed your hand looking at you happily. You looked to her surprised just as the doors opened to what should have been a filthy, empty compactor room. 

The doors opened to pumping music, glittering lights and rotating bodies. “What the hell Kris!?” You yelled over the music as she dragged you in. “I wanted to throw a party for you to welcome you back! I JUST REALLY LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND AM HAPPY YOU’RE OK!” She yelled over the music and hugged you. You laughed and hugged her back. “I love you too Kris.” She dragged you into the makeshift dance floor and you both danced through so many songs among the 20 people that you lost track of time until she dragged you away again to a box with test tubes stacked up filled with some type of liquid on top. 

She snatched a few before leading you to some small crates that seemed to serve as seats and sat. “To life and the best damn pilot in the galaxy!” She said popping the lids off two and giving you one. You smiled taking it and clinking the tops before taking a long swallow. It was surprisingly cold and good for looking homemade. It had a fruit like flavor with a slight creamed edge. “Ok. This is. Well. This is good.” you said taking another swig. Kris laughed and nodded. “It’s smuggled. . . obviously. Just be careful, this is some strong shit. The last time we did this I woke up in a transport shuttle in some guys clothes. . . there was no guy around.” She said with a grin. 

You sat talking for a long time about Kris’s shit show of a day dealing with incompetent pilots, the boring lectures from officers about how they didn't trust her speed to equal quality, which she pointed out, you knew was a load of Nerf shit, and then looked at you quickly. “Oh and guess what the commander did today? I heard he trashed a computer bank on the bridge. Just absolutely sabered it to shit.” You were caught off guard. “Oh, that's my fault. I really pissed him off.” You clapped a hand over your mouth and stared at her. Kris grinned mischievously at you. “Uh uh. You aren't going to leave me hanging like this. You need to spill those guts.” 

You shook your head and took a long drink before looking at the dance floor. “We just argued in the elevator this morning. . . And I may or may not have punched the shit out of him the evening before that.” Kris screamed with laughter and grabbed your arm. “You are seriously the craziest bitch I have ever met!” You both erupted into a fit of giggles before continuing to rage the night away. 


	5. Sweat and Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Insane, inside the danger gets me high  
> Can't help myself got secrets I can't tell  
> I love the smell of gasoline  
> I light the match to taste the heat  
> I've always liked to play with fire  
> Play with fire”   
> -"Play with Fire" by Sam Tinnesz

“Never Been Away”-ABBOT, 2WEI

“Play with Fire (ft. Yacht Money)”-Sam Tinnesz

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You began to realize just how tired you were, and the alcohol wasn’t helping. You managed to convince Kris to free you from the festivities, you both left the party and headed back towards the lifts. “Do you want to see something amazing?” You asked with a smile and linked her arm in yours. “Pshhhh. Yes. Alwaaaaayyyysss.” She said clearly drunk. You laughed enjoying the buzz of the alcohol in your veins and got into the elevator. You hummed music obnoxiously as you made your way through the ship and began down a corridor. “So. In the officers gym there are these rooms. It’s meant for group training. My squadron uses them for our hand to hand work.” You said walking to a door. 

You punched in your credentials in the doors keypad and the doors slid back. You stepped into the gym and for a moment your smile faltered as you felt a strange sensation like someone else was with you. “Ooookayyyyy?” Kris said, pulling your arm some. You blinked and smiled wide again. “Sorry. I just got the strangest feeling.” You said as you walked toward one of the two doors on the right side of the gym. You noticed as you approached it that the door across the gym had the red emblem lit on the keypad, denoting its occupation.  _ Great time for a work out. _ You thought sarcastically. You stopped at the door and punched your credentials again and as the door slid open Kris squealed loudly running in. “OH MY GOD THIS IS SO AMAZING!!! I MEAN SERIOUSLY HOW ARE YOU NOT LIVING IN HERE!!!” She yelled, running sloppily up to the window. She pressed her hands to the transparisteel looking at the galaxy beyond the darkness of the room.

The window was floor to ceiling, wall to wall, offering breathtaking views of the endless space beyond it. “Yeah. This is my favorite place on the ship.” You said going over by her and laying on the floor next to the window. Despite the nice flood of alcohol in your veins causing the world to become a little more distant you could feel your angry leg. You had overdid it, and you knew you would regret it in the morning. 

Kris laid on her back in the opposite direction as you and together you laid for a little bit in the silence with your heads turned looking at the view before she spoke up. “What's he like?” She asked quietly. You shrugged, not really sure how to answer and Kris raised a hand back tapping your shoulder with it. You raised your arm over your head so that you could lay there holding each other's forearms in a sort of bond as you contemplated an answer. “Well. . . Sometimes he’s angry like people think he is. And sometimes he’s even a little bit intimidating, but I’m never terrified of him. There were moments where he’s really really kind.I think he fights himself a lot.” You thought about the sweater, his care with applying the bandages, and then how he could have ripped you into bloody chunks for striking him but chose not too. 

“I could see that. I hear that he’s really not a bad guy, just under a lot of bad influences and pressure.” You thought about her words feeling a tug of suspicion. “Oh, who says that Kris?” The way she was speaking didn't sound like the First Orders image of Kylo. He was their flaming sword, literally, and the face of intimidation wherever he was needed. They used his rage and darkness to break civilization's hope. “Just some people. I can’t really remember.” She said with a shrug. You chose to remain quiet hoping she would feel pressured to talk but she switched away to another hard question. “Do you think he likes you?” You contemplated his actions in the elevator, the closeness of his skin on yours, the way he always took his helmet off when you were alone, and his fingers. Your mind also brought up his grip on your throat and the rage in his eyes. “That's really a difficult concept. It’s not like he’s the kind of guy that would let you into his mind. I doubt very much he likes me in an emotional sense. I’m sure he’s still a man though. . . so. . . I’m sure he’d want to fuck me. . . “ You shivered a little and Kris giggled.

“Doesn’t seem like you’d mind it much.” She teased. You rolled your eyes glad she couldn’t see your flushed face. “I’m not interested in fucking that guy. He’s got a bad attitude and every ability to destroy me. I mean, for the love of the stars he could dive into my mind and murder me in my sleep-” You stopped abruptly and sat up feeling a moment of panic. Kris sat up and turned to face you on her knees. She gently placed her hand on your shoulder from behind you. “Hey. Hey he’s not gonna hurt you.” Kris was trying to comfort you thinking the thought had scared you, but you remembered he had visited you in your coma, and then you dreamt of him.

“Kris. No. I was in a coma and he went into my mind somehow and pulled me out of it.” You said nervously. You whirled around facing her with wide eyes. She nodded trying to figure out what exactly you were getting at. “I had a dream about him the other night. A really. . . really. . .” You wiggled your eyebrows a bit at her and her jaw dropped. “You think he was in your dream?! LIKE IN YOUR HEAD!!!” She couldn’t help but raise her voice into a low yell from disbelief. You nodded grabbing her shoulders. “Kris. What the fuck. Just what even.” You said shaking her lightly. 

Kris erupted into another wave of hysterical laughter and grabbed your shoulders beginning to shake you back. “THIS IS AMAZING!!!!” She choked out and then fell over onto the floor. You covered your face trying to think. “But that would be impossible right? He was touching my head when he put me out in the med bay, and when he threatened to ‘take what he wanted’ from my mind in the elevator he was touching me again. You can’t just Jedi mind fuck someone when you’re not with them, am I right?” You asked and dropped your hands to look at Kris. She was trying to fight back the laughter still. “I mean. It sounds to me like either he can mind fuck you whenever he wants, literally by the sound of it and not metaphorically.” As she was struggling the words out a feeling like something was drawing closer  _ something familiar in its chaos and warmth _ . As you were thinking the door to the room opened and Kris finished her statement. “That or you wish he could Jedi mind fuck you in your sleep.” The color left your face as Kylo stood in the doorway staring at both of you. 

His thick hair was dishevelled and a light sheen of sweat was glistening on his face. He was wearing a long sleeve black shirt, black pants, with boots. You looked him over quickly and noticed he had his saber in his hand. Kris rolled over after seeing your face and then scrambled with you to stand. Kylo turned his gaze from you and glared at Kris. “Go on.” he sneered, advancing on you both. Kris shook her head and looked at you with widened eyes. “What the fuck.” She whispered. You grabbed her arm and pulled her behind you. “No, we’re leaving.” You said starting to try and circle by his advance toward the door. Kylo followed your movement continuing to slowly cross the room, but remained between you and the door. You started to move backwards with Kris, trying to keep a distance from him. You could feel him finally loud and clear, or at least you thought you did.  _ Embarrassing. Disrespected. Weak.  _ The feelings rolled against your mind while you continued your retreat. Kris thudded into the wall behind you both and you glanced back at her before looking back to Kylo. “No. You’re going to finish your conversation about me. What was it. Jedi mind fucking?” He growled igniting his saber. You heard Kris yelp and begin to sniffle, and that's when you felt your own anger swell. What type of man confronts two women in a dark room unarmed. Kris grabbed your shirt trying to stop you, but you shoved her hands off as you stalked toward Kylo, closing the gap in the middle of the room. 

“Put the saber away. You’re not going to hurt either of us.” You said with a warning in your voice. Kylo tilted his head and then everything happened quickly. The saber was swinging towards your face and you heard Kris scream starting to run toward you. Kylo's hand shot up besides your face and you heard Kris slam into the wall. The saber stopped beside your cheek crackling unstably. You could smell the ozone rolling through the air and the heat of the blade. You held your glare with Kylo never blinking as you heard Kris kicking at the wall and choking.  _ STOP IT NOW _ you screamed in your mind. Kylo flinched, advancing closer to you, keeping the saber by your face so that the cross guard was just in front of your lips. He was staring down at you only a step away now. After a moment Kris landed on the floor coughing. “Get out Kris. Go to your quarters.” You said calmly. Kylo put his arm at his side, but he refused to back down. 

You could feel that he was conflicted on how to behave towards you. _ You thought I would bow. You thought I would cower and cry. You’ve got me fucked up. I'm not afraid of you. _ You thought quietly as Kris ran out of the gym. You raised an eyebrow at him still holding an angry stare into his own.  _ You should be afraid of me. _ You thought angrily before smugly shooting a kiss at Kylo. He clicked his light saber off as he furrowed his brows, confused by your action, and that's when you let your training take over your mind turning it into a blank. 

Your arm shot up between your bodies to wrap it around his light saber arm. Your free hand shot out at the same time smashing into his throat and gripped it violently. Kylo made a gagging grunt staggering back a step, and you took advantage of his movement to slam your foot into the side of his knee. He fell backwards pulling you on top of him and you slammed your knee into his chest on the way down causing him to groan again. He yelled in rage and you felt the force grabbing at your neck. You had known Kylo, a force user, would lash out this way, and held your breath. You dug your fingers into his neck against glands just under his jaw.  _ LET ME GO OR I’LL MAKE YOU SCREAM _ . You blasted the image through your mind and felt the grip on your neck loosen. He stared up at you, nostrils flaring. 

“I know what you want to do. You want to ignite that saber and bury the cross guard in my back don't you.” You hissed and leaned forward towards his face, causing your knee to press harder into his sternum. He let out a strained groaning breath. “Drop the saber.” You said giving the gland under your fingers a quick squeeze. He let out a painful yell between his clenched teeth and then you heard the saber thunk onto the gym mat. “When I get up. I’m going to destroy you.” He hissed. His amber eyes were filled with rage and  _ lust. I can feel the lust. _ You thought quietly. 

“I seriously doubt that.” You used the leg on the ground to bunny hop into the air before bringing your knee down on Kylos diaphragm before rolling away. Kylo was in a coughing heap trying to grab you as you snatched the saber from the ground and began to stand. As you rose flicked the saber on spinning to face him. Now Kylo stared up at you from the ground with a saber hovering beside his head. The force of your blow had caused his eyes to water, and the tears dripped slowly down his cheeks in the stillness.

He was laying on his side with one arm still stretched out towards where you had been during your roll. “I’m sick of your shit.” You said walking up and shoving him onto his back with your foot to his shoulder. You stood standing over him with a foot planted on each side of his body, the saber now held at your side. Kylos hand was still extended out on the mat, and the other fell to the ground from his stomach. “Then do it.” He said frustrated. 

You raised the saber and then stabbed it down toward the floor by his head. Kylos eyes shut quickly and suddenly you heard his yell of fear in your mind as the saber slammed crackling into the mat. The smell of burnt rubber joined the ozone in the room and you bent at the waist leaning down over Kylo. “You’re still an asshole.” You flicked the saber off still holding it in your hand as he looked to you quickly. “But I don't want you to die.” You watched him slowly slide back some so he could sit up on the mat, faces close again. You could feel only one thing now between you, and it was an eerie calm. You had remained bent over and you set your forearms on your legs as you each examined each other's faces. 

You took in all of his adorable freckles, the line of his jaw, the amber eyes and then you reached your hand out to touch his face. Kylo had flinched at first and then tilted his head into your touch. He reached out and took your hips in his hands and pulled you down slowly so that you were straddling his hips. The saber fell from your hand to the mat once again and you wrapped your arms around his neck. Kylo stared at you conflicted for a moment before pressing his lips into yours.

His lips were hot and full searching yours tentatively. You shivered and his arms wrapped around your body tighter, closing the space between your bodies. The kisses tentative start began to deepen in its need to taste each other's mouth. Kylos tongue grazed across your bottom lip as he worked over them. You parted your lips and sighed as his tongue slid over your own. Kylos hands slid up and down your back as he explored the smooth wet planes of your mouth with growing intensity. His chest was rising and falling quickly and the emotions flooded through your bond _.  _ There was so much affection and a struggle against darkness there you had to tilt your head back to catch your breath. Kylo's breath was fast and hot against your cheek as he placed quick kisses along it and then down your jaw to the collar at your neck. “I can’t decide if I want you to scream my name in pain or bliss.” He ran his finger down your neck gently. “I feel like I’m being torn apart.” He whispered shakily before bringing his mouth back to the flesh just above your collar and working it with his teeth with barely contained violence. You moaned at the pleasure and pain. 

His hand reached between you and tried to pull your collar out of the way.  _ Rip it. _ You thought desperate to feel his mouth all over your neck. “I can hear you, I can feel you.” His voice was strained. You felt heat pool between your legs as his hand wrapped over the collar and he ripped it downwards. The fabric tore away at the zipper behind your neck leaving your neck and collar bones exposed. Kylo moaned and you felt him beginning to harden against your groin beneath you. Kylo pulled your body forward with his hand at the back of your head now to run his tongue slowly from your collar bone up the side of your neck and to your ear as if to taste the ravaged skin. As his tongue moved you arched your body into his and ground your hips into his. “Fuck ___.” He whispered your name as he grinded himself up into you. Through the fabric his hard length rubbed over your clit causing you to moan again. “ What am I doing . . .” He whispered. You turned your head to catch his mouth in a hot forceful kiss. Kylo dug his fingers into your back as he returned the heat of the kiss smashing his mouth tighter to yours. 

Never breaking the kiss he wrapped his arm tightly around your waist and rolled, laying you on the mat underneath him. You shuttered feeling the anticipation flooding your veins. Kylo pulled away and looked down at your face. “What?” you asked, reaching his waistline with your hands. You slid a hand over the bulge in his pants and he clenched his eyes shut sighing . “I need to feel you Kylo. Ever since I felt you inside my mind in the med bay I’ve needed you invading my body, invading my mind.” You whispered as you leaned up to close the gap between your faces. Kylo reached a hand between you and grabbed your neck in his hand. Slowly he pressed you back into the mat. “Stop.” He whispered shakily. Your hand paused in its caress of his dick through his pants. 

“. . . I’m sorry what.” You asked, trying to understand what was happening. He shook his head keeping his eyes closed still. “I can’t. We’re not doing this.” He said, trying to regain his composure. You tried to open your mouth to speak but his hand closed tightly around your neck. Your hands went to his arm as you struggled to draw a breath. “You did this to me. You made me weak.” He said opening his eyes. They were pools of anger and confusion again. “And you lay here asking me to let you destroy me.” He shook his head slowly and a scowl started to form. You started to smash your palms into his forearms and kick your heels into the mat in an effort to get away. “This isn’t real.” he said before releasing you and beginning to stand. You sucked in air quickly fighting back coughs as you curled up on your side. 

He snatched his lightsaber from the floor and started walking toward the door as you sat up trying to think of what to say. “Please. Kylo please don't. It’s real. It’s so real.” You said as a weight gripped your heart. He paused in the doorway tensely. You could see a tremor run through him before he shakily said “It’s Commander. And you’re drunk.” With that he left. 

You didn’t know how long you spent with your face buried in your knees crying until you finally rose from the ground. You struggled to control the hitching breaths as you made your way back to your quarters and collapsed face down on the bed. Eventually you fell into a thankfully dreamless sleep still crying. 

Your data pad awoke you in the morning and you rose feeling more miserable than you had guessed. Your leg was sore, your neck was sore, your eyes hurt from crying, but most of all your heart hurt. You disrobed and limped into the shower and began the process of scrubbing the makeup from your face. It took longer than you had expected and left your lips red and tender.  _ Like he left my neck.  _ You thought and angrily fought tears back. 

When you had successfully scrubbed all traces from your night before from your body you dried off and dressed in your officers black uniform. You were going to see Hux’s secretary, and maybe the man himself if you were lucky. You grabbed your data pad, shoved your cover on your head, and headed out of the door. You wasted no time making your way to the bridge and stopped at the guards posted at the doors. “Your business?” One asked firmly. “DS-35, I’m responding to General Hux’s inquiry as to my recovery status. I’d like to speak with him when he is able.” You said briskly. The soldier nodded and called the information over the radio. You stood quietly staring at the door as you waited until the other trooper spoke up. “So. . . Are you the pilot that hit that X-Wing?” He asked quietly.

You couldn’t tell if he was impressed or implying that you were a shit pilot. You decided to take it personal given your current mood. “I intercepted the X-Wing with my balls of durasteel. Hows gaurding a fucking door going?” You raised an eyebrow challengingly. The other stormtrooper started to softly chuckle. “I think she likes you Kal.” The stormtrooper that had taken the lashing lowered his blaster and held a hand up in a motion to slow down. “Easy. I’m not starting anything girly. I just wanted to say good work. Damn.” He said, shaking his head. You shifted uneasily realizing you were just a raging bitch for no reason. “No. I’m sorry. I had a rough night last night.” You said with a shrug. 

Kal nodded his helmeted head. “Yeah. No offense but you can tell.” He said motioning at your ear lobe. You reached up with a gloved hand and realized you had left one earring in your ear. You rolled your eyes and tucked your data pad under your arm so you could remove it. “Thanks uh. . . Kal right?” You asked as you tucked the earring into your pocket. He nodded. “That’d be it. Yeah.” Kals voice sounded like it had a smile in it. “This is Terrac.” He jerked his thumb at the other trooper who gave you a playful salute. “I’m _____.” You said nodding your head at Terrac. 

“So.” Terrac started. “What's a pretty girl like you have to be upset about. You must have the world wrapped around your finger.” You shot him daggers and then looked at the door. “It’s personal.” You said shifting your weight. “Personal equals man troubles.” Kal said, looking to Terrac.. “Which means don't go there pal.” You looked to Kal raising an eyebrow. “Yes. Precisely.” Kal started to say something but immediately both troopers snapped to attention as the door opened. Hux’s secretary nodded curtly at you before turning around. “Follow me DS-35.” They walked briskly across the bridge. “General Hux is currently available, lucky you, he’s normally busy. You will retain all respects when addressing him. You will be brief and to the point and then you will not dilly dally in his office.” They said stopping at a door on the far side of the bridge. “His meeting with Commander Ren is concluded but they both wish to speak with you.” The secretary hit the button on the door and then walked into the office. 

Your heart felt like it was being slowly pulled apart as you walked toward the General seated behind his desk, and Kylo standing in front of it. You snapped to attention just behind the chairs. “General Hux, Commander Ren. DS-35. I would like to report to you a full recovery and a willingness to return to my squadron at the general's earliest pleasure.” You said standing rigidly. Hux stood from behind his desk shooting a sour look at Kylo. “Well DS-35 your professionalism is quite refreshing after I’ve been forced to deal with this. . . renegade.” He sneered and then waved his hand to the chair for you to sit. You relaxed taking a seat and tried to ignore Kylos clenching and unclenching hands within your line of sight. Just seeing them made you remember the way they felt running over your body, before contemplating on crushing your windpipe. 

“As you recall no doubtedly, we’ve mentioned a certain commendation. But with Commander Ren's wisdom-” Hux’s tone was incredibly dramatic when he said wisdom, and you had to bite your tongue to keep from smiling. You actually may like Hux more than Kylo. “I and Supreme Leader Snoke have decided not only to give you a commendation for bravery. In light of your extreme, and somewhat fanatical, dedication to the First Order, we would like to promote you to the position of Wing Commander effective Immediately.” He waved the secretary over as you struggled to keep your jaw shut from suprise. There was a long pause as Hux stared at you and then you stood up and saluted him. “It is with great pride that I commit myself to the position of Wing Commander, and the continued service of the First Order. Thank you General Hux.” the pain of the night before was dampened under this new twist in your life. 

Hux nodded briskly and held his hand out to the secretary. She placed your new Wing Commander rank in his hand and he waved you over. You could feel Kylo staring at you as you rounded the desk. “ Wing Commander _____. May you serve well.” He said removing your old rank and applying the new Wing Commander rank. “ My secretary is putting your new clearance into your data pad. If you report to ship security they will update your credentials, reissue your ID and give you your new lodgings codes.” He waved his hand at you dismissively and you saluted one more time before turning and starting out of the room. You could feel Kylos eyes on you the entire way out of the room. Once you stepped out of his office and onto the bridge a giant smile spread across your face, despite your wounded heart. 

You went straight to the security offices and turned over your paperwork. There were brisk congratulations before they started the process of verifying your ID bio-metrically and then pulled up a hologram of the ship. “This here is the Command housing floors. You will have this unit here.” They pointed on the map at a room near the very end of the designated corridor. “You are required to move your belongings from your lodgings now and into your unit.” He said before collapsing the hologram. “Thank you very much.” you said nodding your head. “No problem Wing Commander.” You practically bolted to your old room and began shoving things into your large duffel bag. You paused as you cleaned up a pile of clothes and Kylos glove fell to the floor. You picked it up and gently rubbed the leather against your cheek. You sighed before shoving it into your pants pocket and shoved the rest of your belongings into the duffel. You hoisted it onto your shoulder, grabbed your data pad, and headed to the command housing floor. 


	6. Mother of Mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh can't you see  
> You belong to me?  
> How my poor heart aches with every step you take.  
> Every move you make  
> Every vow you break  
> Every smile you fake  
> Every claim you stake  
> I'll be watching you."

"Every Breath You Take"- Chase Holfelder

\--------------------------------------------

You had heard that the command units were some of the best units on the ship, but you hadn’t expected it to be so impressive. Once your unit room opened you stood in a space that contained a couch, two armchairs, some small tables, and a viewing screen on the wall. The back half of this room had a dining table and a small kitchen area. The door on the left led into an office complete with a desk, chairs, a small refreshment bar, and another viewing screen. The door on the right led you into a bedroom. The bed was attached to the wall, and looked like it was floating off the floor. 

The sheets were a shiny black material, similar to the black flooring. All of the walls in the unit were a dark deep gray color, and molded panels. There was a dresser and closet built into the wall opposite of the bed, and another door that led into the bathroom. The bathroom had the same black flooring, that was mirrored in the large showers walls. The shower had glass doors on it that slid past each other to open. There was a water closet, a large vanity sink area, and against the back wall there was a black soaking tub. 

You left the bathroom and went to the closet and opened the door. Hanging in the closet were fresh black uniforms. You noted the lack of fresh flight suits as you added your few uniforms to the rack along with your old flight suits. You set your boots on the closet bottom and then began placing your other clothes in the drawers. The last set of drawers in the wall had a keypad on it. When you tried to open it the pad prompted you for your security code. You raised an eyebrow and punched your code in. The mag locks on the drawer clicked off and then the drawer began extending. You whistled seeing a black SE-44C pistol in the drawer, a black F-11D modified rifle, and several spare power cells for each. 

You ran your fingers over the rifle and then picked up the pistol inspecting it. It had modifications for improved cooling, rapid firing, and night vision. You put the blaster back into the drawer and inspected the rifle as well, noting the same modifications and replaced it. You nudged the drawer, letting it automatically close before reaching in your pocket to pull out Kylos glove. You stared at it sadly feeling the softened leather under your fingers before walking over and setting it on the nightstand. You stared at it for a while, remembering the way Kylos hair framed his face, the sound of his breath in your ear, and the softness that had crept into his eyes before you clenched your eyes shut. You shook your head defiantly before you headed to the bathroom to enjoy the soaking tub you had seen earlier. 

You spend a long time laying in the bath contemplating your new position as you stare at the ceiling. Your thoughts kept turning to Kylos chaotic behavior towards you and his venomous words.  _ You did this to me. You made me weak. This isn’t real. You’re drunk. _ You slid down lower in the tub until your chin was touching the water and stared at your feet. You had foolishly thought that the flood gates had been broken, and he was ready to give up his battle with you.  _ But instead he accuses me of trying to actually hurt him. . . I mean. I did physically hurt him in self preservation but I wouldn’t hurt him out of spite. That's just. . . That's just cruel, like he is.  _ You contemplated. 

As you pondered, you had the sensation of Kylos presence with you. You narrowed your eyes focusing on your feet and tried to push the feeling away. You rose from the tub with an annoyed sigh and began getting ready for bed. You did your usual embarrassing limping towel drying dance before an encore for getting your undergarments on and then limped to the bed. You curled up under the incredibly soft covers of your massive bed and settled in. You lifted your data pad off the nightstand and remotely lowered the lights. “God I love this place.” You murmured before replacing the data pad and snuggling in. It didn’t take long before you drifted off to thoughts of tomorrow's meetings. 

The next day you rose and dressed in your brand new uniform, placing your wing commander rank on with a happy smile. Despite the butterflies in your stomach over today's command meeting you couldn’t help but smile seeing the accomplishment pinned to your chest in the mirror. You put on a holster, and slid your pistol into place, grabbed your datapad and headed out the door. 

After a quick trip to the officers cafeteria for breakfast, you went to find Kris. You hadn’t seen or heard from her since your altercation with Kylo, and you wanted to make sure she was alright. Per the duty listings you went to the transport ship launch bay. “I’m looking for EN-91.” You said to an engineer passing by you face shoved into a data pad. They didn't even raise their eyes as they pointed to a ship. “She should be in there, just be careful. She doesn’t like being bothered when she’s doing a control panel overhaul.” You smirked a little. “I think I can survive. Thanks.” You said before walking to the transport ship. 

You walked up the AAL’s ramp and smiled hearing Kris’s slew of swears coming from deep within the ship. You walked toward the cockpit and found a mess of wires, cast aside panel faces, and tools. Kris was bent over the mess with a soldering tool working. “I take it this is going like shit.” You remarked with amusement. Kris stood straight up and whirled around with big eyes. “OH MY GOD I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEADER THAN THE JEDI ORDER!” She yelled in shock. She dropped the tools and came over grabbing your upper arms. “What the hell happened?!” She whispered looking to the ramp quickly. You shrugged deciding to keep things vague for her sake. “We fought. We talked. He stormed away as usual and then.” You paused pointing at your rank. Kris’s jaw dropped staring at it and then to you. “Well damn.” 

She tilted her head and looked at you suspiciously. “He didn’t seem like he wanted to talk. . . Did that shit head hurt you?” She asked, narrowing her eyes. You snorted and shook your head. “I'd like to say yes, just to see your revenge, but no.” You said looking toward what she was working on. Kris grabbed your head with her hands making you look at her and stared with the same look for a few seconds and then sighed. “I’m sorry.” She said before hugging you. Kris didn’t have to pry to see that you meant emotionally you were black and blue. You hugged her back before letting go. “So. You’re not hurt?” You asked bending some to look at her neck. Kris waved a hand. “That was nothing. I’ll live.” She said dismissively. “But seriously girl, Like. We really need to hash out this man business of yours.” She said pointing a finger at you threateningly. You sighed, rubbing your forehead. “I don’t know what I really should or shouldn’t say.”

“You can literally say whatever you want. What's he going to do, try to cho-” You shushed her stopping her mid sentence. “Kris. We can’t say his name, we can’t even talk about this in public. He may not hurt me, but I have no idea about you. So please, PLEASE, just save it until we can talk privately.” Kris scowled and then shrugged. “Sure. His code name is officially Matt.” She turned her back on you to point at the control panel. “And this code name is a piece of shit. So if you don’t want to talk, I really have to fix this junk before I get into more trouble than usual.” She said looking back to you. You couldn’t tell if she was pissed at the ship, Kylo, you, or all of them. You nodded and gave her a feeble smile. “Ok. I have to get to a meeting in a while anyways.” You said. She blew you a quick little kiss and wiggled her fingers. “Scoot out of my rubble and let me work. I’ll catch up with you.” Kris ducked down beginning to fiddle with the control panels wiring once again as you exited the AAL and walked toward the lifts beyond the bay. 

You headed directly to the bridge, arriving 20 minutes ahead of schedule for the command meeting with General Hux, but you decided early was better than on time. You walked up to the storm troopers at the door and paused. “Wing Commander ____ . I’m here for a command meeting.” You said unsure of the new procedures with your rank. There was a familiar laugh from the right and the storm trooper on your left nodded their head. “Congratulations. You don’t have to ask for entrance anymore Commander. Just walk right through.” Kal said. You smiled a little. “Thanks, this is still fairly new.” You said as he toggled the door open. “You’re a natural. Just don’t get sour like the rest of them. Have a good day Commander.” You swore you detected a gentle tease in his voice as you walked towards General Hux’s office. 

Each personnel that you walked by snapped to attention greeting you appropriately as you walked by, and after the first couple greetings you settled for nodding your head at each in acknowledgement. You paused outside of General Hux’s door realizing for the first time that a command meeting might include Kylo. You stood staring at the door for a moment before pressing the page button. There was a delay and then his secretary's voice came through.”Yes.” You tried to think of what you should say before settling on an informal greeting. 

“I’m here, early, for the command meeting?” There was a delay. “....Yes. The briefing room to the right is where we are going to meet. Let yourself in and find your seat.” You turned on your heel heading to the briefing room and opened the door. The room was a similar sterile star destroyer style with black floors, grey walls, but this one had transparisteel windows on the back wall. At the right side of the briefing room, at the foot of a massive table, was a viewing screen. You circled the table reading the names that were illuminated at the data pad docking stations until you found your name, and sat down. 

You toggled your data pad to pull up the meetings page and re-scanned what little information the documents held. As you scanned the door opened again. You felt a heaviness wash over you and you glanced up to see Kylo staring at you with his helmet on. You looked back down at your pad, determined to ignore him. He walked to the head of the table, a few seats away, and sat on the opposite side of you. “Congratulations Commander.” He said after a long awkward silence. Without looking up you mumbled a thanks and continued trying to read. You could hear his breathing though the mask, and from the corner of your eye could see his head turned towards you. 

“What.” you finally asked looking up at him. You had said it with more anger than you intended. Kylo turned his head away to instead stare at the wall across from him. You felt a sensation of hurt and longing passing through you faintly. You pushed the feelings away as hard as you could, no longer caring if they were his or your own. You weren’t going to give into your own demented mind, or your own emotions. “I acted rashly.” He said quietly. You sighed and pinched the bridge of your nose and realized this was yet another Kylo way of apologizing. “I really could care less at this point if you had jumped out of an airlock. You’ve made yourself quite clear.” You said refusing to move from your position.  _ So he wants to apologize and what, start over? Start playing games with me again as if nothing had ever passed between us? Like you can just kill what's passed between us with some words. _

“You know you can never lie to me.” He said quietly. He held a hand out towards you, and you felt a gentle force pulling your hand away from the bridge of your nose and turning your head to look at him. You glared quietly at him refusing to answer. Kylo set his hand on the table after staring at you for a moment, releasing the force that was holding you. You continued staring at him and suddenly you felt the longing grow between you. “Why are we like this?” You whispered softly feeling your face relaxing. “I don’t know.” He replied and turned to look to the wall. You quickly looked down at your data pad as the door opened. A few officers walked in and began taking their seats as they chatted briefly with those by them. You waited for the meeting to begin and looked around the room quietly as more and more individuals filed in, until General Hux finally walked in followed by his secretary Everyone at the table stood simultaneously to attention and Hux took his place at the head of the table. 

“Yes. Very good.” He said waving his hand for everyone to take their seats. “Today's meeting is an issuance of tasks as we prepare for an operation. Its title is Operation Outreach. The goal of the mission is to step beyond established First Order space to foster loyalty and support with previously uncontacted planets through colonization. This will aid in diminishing rebel presences beyond our borders, supplying us with information as to their activities, past current and future as well as eliminating all threats to the First Order.” He paused scanning the room. “Each of you are here because you are in charge of a task essential to the mission. We have our Infantry commanders and upper tier officers along with the Engineering, Wing, Communications, Medical, so on and so forth. You will be given access for a short window of time to the First Orders personnel files for each of your divisions. You will have 3 days to create a crew of only the best that we have to offer. You will notice that some positions are already filled with hand chosen personnel. If you feel it is in error and can support the claims then I encourage you to file a claim in the same accordance you would for personnel transfer.”

Hux nodded at his secretary and they transferred packets to everyone's data pad at the table. “This information is highly sensitive and your data pads are to be treated with the utmost level of caution, although I doubt I need to remind you of that.” He tapped his own datapad sitting on the table and the lights dimmed. From the ceiling a hologram began to project various planets down the table. Each one was issued a number and various scientific information regarding the size, travel distance, population, geological and meteorological codes. “The information we have is coming from our guides and allies on this mission. The attendants that have served the First Order since our rise will be guiding us to the planets you see before you.” He nodded to his secretary and she transferred the planet's information to everyone at the table. “I have also been informed by Supreme Leader Snoke that the Knights of Ren will be aiding us on this mission. We will be stopping in a few days time at our furthest First Order colony on the planet S249. We will remain there until the ship and crew are stowed properly for the mission ahead. Are there any questions?” 

General Hux surveyed the table in an almost challenging manner. After a long pause he nodded. “Learn the planets. Create your selections and submit them. You have three days. You are dismissed.” He said before turning towards the door. Everyone stood quickly as he exited and then began to murmur amongst themselves. You walked quickly around the table trying to escape Kylo, and perhaps to your unit to begin the tedious work. You saw Kylo turn towards you as you passed and you picked up your pace.  _ Just have to get to my room.  _ You chanted in your mind as you crossed the bridge. You walked out of the bridge continuing your brisk pace without even a head nod to Kal and Terrac. 

You made it almost to the lift before you heard his loud footsteps behind you. For some reason you felt like a wild animal being hunted through a ravine. You knew the predator could see you and it made your hair rise. You hit the lifts button and stood tensely looking ahead as his steps drew nearer. As the doors opened you quickly stepped on and hit the command unit floor praying that he would walk past. Just as the doors started to close, he swiftly stepped onto the lift. He took a place beside you staring at the lift doorway as well. You tried to control your breathing as the lift began to move.

Out of the corner of your eye you could see him staring straight ahead, almost like a breathing statue. You moved your eyes to the door again suddenly feeling far too hot in the confined space. The heat from his body near you wasn't helping and you reached up to unbutton your collar. His scent reached your nose and you silently urged the lift to move faster. "What is the Knights' deal? Are they like bodyguards or something?" You were hoping this would distract your mind.

You could see Kylo turn his head in your peripheral vision towards you. "No." He said and after you refused to speak he continued. "The Supreme Leader and I send them on various missions. They'll be recalled from a retrieval mission shortly." You raised your eyebrow still looking at the door. "So. . . Does that make them an SRT team?" Kylo shook his head. "This time it's an artifact. The next time it may be to eliminate a specific target. It varies based upon my needs." You felt uneasy with how plainly he stated elimination, as if it was an everyday occurrence. 

The lift stopped and the doors slowly opened. You stepped out not bothering to say goodbyes. As you walked down the hall towards your unit you could hear his footsteps behind you. You stopped in front of your door with your back to him. "What Kylo." You said refusing to turn around. "I want to speak with you. Privately." He said stepping up just behind you. You shuttered for a moment from the overwhelming flood of emotions from the proximity of him behind you and then shook your head. "I'm busy. And you're still an asshole." You tucked your data pad under your arm and punched your code in on the door pad. Once it was opened you placed your hand on your blaster. 

You walked through the threshold and turned facing him. He looked down at your hand fists clenching and then back up to you. "I don't want to do this right now." You said keeping your hand resting on its handle. Kylo sighed mechanically behind his mask as the door started closing. "Neither do I." He turned, walking away as the door closed all the way. 

You hadn't realized how much tension had been running through your body until the door was sealed. You sighed between gritted teeth and made your way to your office to begin the tedious process of creating an entirely new crew roster for your department. For the first hour you studied the planet's listings to identify the types of pilots that would be required. You took notes on the extreme geographical and meteorological features you found and then began creating a filtering system for the candidates. 

The next 3 hours you tinkered with the search filter. It was based upon squads instead of individuals. From your experience teams that stayed together played better together. You looked for squads that had a low pilot turnover rate due to elimination. You accounted for transfers, retirements, but after consideration added a filter for violation of First Order laws. You didn't need rebellious pilots. You started with the command ship pilots, then special operations, bombers, fighter pilots, troop transport pilots, medical unit pilots, and then all of the other tedious positions last. 

With all of that done you leaned back in your desk chair gazing over the massive personal files waiting for a closer comb over. You sighed feeling a little discouraged at the mountain of work. You contemplated your plan of attack before deciding to eliminate available crew positions based upon Huxs briefing notice that some positions had been hand picked. With that finished you started tediously opening files and reading. 

You spent hours toggling between the selection process and incoming data from the wing that needed your attention. And before you knew it you had passed the entire day by. You rubbed your neck as you finished the final daily paperwork and handed command over to your 2nd via your data pad and stood. You felt various vertebrae pop in your back and sighed. "A shower before I call mama." You mused as you made your way to the bathroom. 

You took a long hot shower to loosen up all of the cramped muscles in your body. One thing was for sure, you weren't a fan of the desk work and wished you were in the cockpit again. As you dried you toyed with the idea of doing a patrol flight tomorrow. You wrapped yourself in a large red robe you found in the linen closet and pulled your wet messy hair into a bun. 

You went into your small kitchen and poured a glass of water to try and soothe your angry malnourished stomach, grabbed your data pad from your office and plopped onto the couch. You went into the communications page and put in a request to connect you to your mother's home. 

The viewing screen turned on and there was a standby message. You sipped your water waiting patiently for a few minutes until the screen broke into a scattered image with broken audio. "Mama?" You waited again as the image began to clear and the audio kicked in. "Oh my how regal you look!" The audio came first before the picture cleared and your mother appeared. She was sitting in her sewing room on coruscant, filled with hanging gowns, mens formal robes, bolts of fabric and her machines working away in the background. She was seated in a chair close to the view screen as if it would help her see you more clearly. "Hi there." You said smiling happily. 

Your mom reached her hand up fiddling with the screen furrowing her brow. “If you’re trying to get the image closer, pick up your data pad, tap face tracking, and it will do the rest.” You said trying not to giggle. Your mom fiddled with the data pad glancing up and down at the screen until she smiled again. “Ah. Much better. You’re much closer now. That’s good. Now. What do I owe the pleasure of this call?” She said settling in her chair. You shrugged trying to admit that you just needed your mother in all of the chaos. “Oh. Just thought about you randomly. And thought I would update you on my new promotion.” You said casually. Your mom laughed, clapping her hands. “Good for you!!! Your father would be so proud.” She beamed. 

You smiled somewhat tensely and nodded. “Yeah.” You fiddled with your belt robe feeling some shame at your current state of affairs. If your father knew everything about the promotion, Kylo, your stress, you doubt he would be. “What's wrong ____?” Your mother looked slightly concerned but ready to give you advice. You waved your hand. “Nothing at all. Just tired and missing dad I guess.” You lied. Your mom clucked her tongue. “You’ve never been a tired girl your whole life. I swear you were solar powered out of the womb.” She said and waved a finger at you. “It’s something else. A mother can sense these things.”

You remained silent, your usual technique for dealing with stressful situations or inquisitions hoping the pressure would force someone to change the subject. “Oh no. You forget who taught you the silence trick. Speak up now. What is it?” Your mother pressed tilting her head. She raised her eyebrows in her classic look that said ‘I can wait all day’. You sighed pulling your legs up on the couch and took a few swallows of water. “Well. Don’t be upset mama. But I was in a ship to ship collision a few days ago. Obviously I’m fine. I’m here, and I’m really not bothered by it. It’s just that. And well. . . “ You paused trying to think of what to say. “Well. They promoted me to Wing Commander for my dedication. Then I had this. . . this person was with me during my time in med bay. And they were really kind at times and I thought we had a connection. . . In a friendly way.” You added quickly. Your mother gave you a look that said she would pretend to accept that it was friendly. 

You sighed continuing on painfully. “Well. They think that-” you stopped trying to think how to explain your strange situation without outright identifying Kylo or what was happening. “They think that I’m using them to hurt them in the end. If that makes any sense. Sometimes they’re really great, but we fight because other times they’re arrogant, and mean, and continue to accuse me of things I would never do to them. We had this really wonderful moment the other day and I thought that everything was behind us, but they flipped out and accused me of trying to hurt them and stormed off. Now they want to talk and honestly.” You threw your arm out letting your head fall back on the couch. “I honestly just want them to get lost in the outer rims.” You finished feeling embarrassed. “Not to mention I’m overwhelmed with my new positions currently extended duties.” You added trying to divert some attention from your rambling mess previously. 

Your mom started to laugh quietly and you looked at the screen to see her trying to cover her mouth. “It’s really not funny mama. It’s awful. It's unbecoming of a commander to have personal issues like this.” You were frowning at her like you did as a little girl. She waved her hand at you as she settled her giggles. “Oh sweet girl. You’re so grown but so naive. This man-” “FRIEND” you interjected. “Friend. This friend of yours sounds as though they are afraid of being vulnerable.” She said with a simple shrug. “I think that you should talk to them. It can’t hurt. Let them know you’ll take things by their lead if they want.” You looked off to the side wishing she was right.  _ Sure, it can't hurt if the Supreme Leader to be gets angry and decides he’s going to saber my head free of my shoulders. _ “He has a short temper.” You said looking back to her. 

“Has he ever hurt you?” Your mother asked, leaning forward with concern. You shook your head swiftly. “No no. He wouldn’t actually hurt me.”  _ Besides that one time in the medical bay when I thought he was going to rip the rest of the muscle off of my mangled thigh. _ “How do you know he won’t?” Your mother asked, still worried. You shrugged. “I just. . . I just know it. Like sometimes I know when he’s near, or how he feels. I just know it.” You said sounding unsure of what you were even saying. Your mother blinked. “Oh, I see.” She said becoming quiet and thoughtful. “. . . Ok. What was that?” You asked, tilting your head. She shook her head. “Nothing, it just reminds me of how things were with your father and I is all. That's a very rare thing you know.” You furrowed your brow shaking your head. “No I really don’t. Are you talking about all of that force stuff you're into?” 

Your mom chuckled softly. “Yes. The force stuff.” She said sarcastically. “Ok. . . so what exactly are you-” You stopped as your door chime went off. “Just. Give me a second mom.” You said standing and going over to the panel. You pressed the page button. “Who is it?” You asked, waiting. There was the sound of a droid beeping back at you about food. “I didn’t order food to be brought to my unit. “  _ I didn’t even know that could be done. _ You thought, confused by the idea. The droid beeped back at you again almost insistently. You sighed feeling annoyed and hit the button to open the door. Two server droids zoomed past you with trays of food and you whirled around to watch them head to your kitchen table to set up. 

You started to cross the room to ask them more questions when your mom spoke up. “Well now, this must be your friend then?” She asked mischievously. You felt your body tense up as you looked sideways to her and then slowly turned around. Kylo had somehow materialized silently a short distance behind you without you even realizing he was near this time. He was currently looking at your mother with a mixture of annoyance and surprise in his eyes. His helmet was in his hand, and he wore his usual black robes. You struggled to figure out what to say before your mother tilted her head gazing at Kylo still. “Oh. My, my you have grown. I was worried about you.” She said with a small look of sadness in her warm smile. 

You looked between the now confused and annoyed Kylo and your mother as they stared each other down. “Who is this woman?” Kylo demanded. You quickly walked over and scooped up your data pad. “It's my mother. And she and I are just saying goodbye.” You said nodding to your mom and moving your hand to disconnect. Kylo's hand shot up not even looking at you, and you felt the familiar invisible force bonds holding your arm still in the air. You glared at him finding his consistent need to violate your freedom still incredibly enraging. “How do you know me?” Kylo stood stock still, but you could feel his confusion teetering towards suspicion. Your mother laughed warmly. “Oh sweetheart. I’ve known you for a very very long time. I think we should talk in person. Have ____ send me her next surface leave schedule and we’ll have a visit. I’ll book a passage and meet you somewhere for a nice warm meal and we can get reacquainted.” 

You knew your eyes were wide and you started shaking your head at your mother mouthing the words ‘no way no’ over and over again. She looked back to you waving a hand dismissively and looked to Kylo who was trying to decide what to say. Finally he released your arm and nodded. “We will see.” He said turning his back to your mother. “I want to speak with you.” He said nodding to the data pad. “Disconnect and join me.” He said walking through the room to the table. You watched him for a moment and then looked at your mom. “You’re out of your freaking mind.” You said wishing you could say something to warn her. Your mother shrugged and smiled. “I’ll see you soon. I love you most.” She said blowing your a kiss. You glanced at Kylo who was now seated at the table in front of one of the covered trays of food. “I love you more. Bye mama.” You whispered and shyly blew her a kiss before disconnecting. You contemplated heavily throwing the data pad across the room at Kylo, and he turned to look you in the eyes as if he knew. You settled for angrily throwing it on the couch and walked over to the table. 

“I’m going to need you to leave.” You said crossing your arms in front of him. He tilted his head looking at you with a look that said no. You reached out grabbing the front of his robes in both of your hands and leaned back trying to drag him out of the chair. “I. Said.-” You grunted giving him a tremendous yank, only succeeding in nearly popping your shoulder out of socket. “Leave.” You said somewhat defeated. Kylo continued to stare at you as he raised his hands up to grab your wrists. “If you had eaten today, you may have succeeded.” He said, pulling your hands from his robes. 

You yanked your wrists from his surprisingly gentle hold and recrossed your arms. “What the fuck do you want?” You asked with some suspicion. He lifted his hand causing a dining chair to slide across the floor and then gently stop at the backs of your knees. “I want to settle this.” He said motioning for you to sit. You dropped angrily into the seat, keeping your arms crossed. “Then say whatever shit it is you have to hurl at me, threaten me, and move on. I’ve got a ton of work ahead of me and I’d rather shove my face into this confusing mess of personnel files than look at yours for another second.” You spat venomously. You could have been wrong but you thought you heard Kylo laugh softly through his nose as he began peeling his leather gloves off slowly. 

You watched him set the gloves on the table suspiciously and he looked back to you. “I want to reach into your mind and find answers.” He said calmly. You shook your head raising a hand up as if to say stop. “. . . So you’re asking me now?” You said a little disbelieving. “Whatever happened to ‘I can take what I want’.” You tried to drop your voice to impersonate him as badly as possible. Kylo raised his eyebrow. “Why do you continue in your defiance of me?” He asked, remaining unusually calm. “Because it’s fun.” He leaned forward some. “Why?” “Because it pisses you off.” “Why would you anger me. Don’t you know the power I have?” He asked, leaning toward you some more. You shrugged resisting the urge to lean toward him. “You wouldn’t-” you started and then stopped yourself narrowing your eyes. You realized he was trying to interrogate you. 

  
“I wouldn’t what?” He asked, leaning his elbows on his knees casually. You stood up feeling extremely pissed now. “You know what. FINE!” You said throwing your arms out to the side. “Do your little mind trick so you can finally just leave me the hell alone.” You said glaring at him. Kylo stood up clearly pleased with your answer. “If you fight, it will hurt.” He said with a hint of concern. You rolled your eyes. “Like you give a shit.” You said as his hand raised to touch the side of your face. It felt almost like he was cradling your face in his hand, and then his other hand went to the other side of your face. You felt an incredible force begin pressing against your mind. You began to panic causing a flash of pain through your head until you heard his voice in your mind.  **_I do care. Stop fighting me._ ** The last thing you saw before he took over your mind was Kylo stepping closer to you with a concern spread across his eyes.  _ Those gorgeous eyes. _


	7. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I tried to reach you, I can't hide  
> How strong's the feeling when we dive  
> I crossed the ocean of my mind  
> My wounds are healing with the salt  
> All my senses intensified  
> Whenever you and I, we dive  
> I crossed the ocean of my mind  
> But in the end I drown  
> You push me down, down  
> All the shame  
> When you called my name  
> I felt pain  
> When you came"  
> \- "Can We Kiss Forever" Kina

“Can We Kiss Forever?” -Kina

“Mine” -Bazzi

  
  
\---------------------------------------  
  
  


For a moment, you thought that you were dead, and then you could feel Kylo somehow melted within yourself, or you were melted into him. It was hard to tell where you started and ended. It was like sitting in that warm soaking tub, on a bed of pillows, wrapped in blankets, drunk on star light. _What's happening?_ You had tried to speak but only heard your voice as if it was in your mind. Images began flashing rapidly in front of your eyes as if you were light speed skipping, but through your own experiences through your own eyes. **_I’m trying to figure out what is happening._** Kylos voice was in your own mind and you realized that you were speaking through thoughts. _This is my mind?_ The skipping stopped to show Kylos face close to yours. It was the moment just before you kissed for the first time in the gym. You felt the same adrenaline and swelling affection in your chest as you did when the moment first transpired. 

**_It is. Your mind, and your emotions._ ** The image was ripped away as new ones started pulling by. Things you didn't even register viewing before. Suddenly you were in the elevator with Kylo holding your arm over your head. _This is degrading._ You felt the same hot flush wash over you and the memory of his smell. The affection was a warm glow in your chest once again. Kylo refused to answer as he continued ripping you through your own mind. Now you were in the hospital bed looking down at Kylo as his fingers applied the bandage. You remembered how you thought it was tender and wished you could close your eyes and turn back. In hindsight all of this seemed like a ridiculous crush. You started to try and pull away from Kylo in your mind and felt the pain return. **_Don’t. Don’t. I need to see. Let me see._ ** His tone sounded calm and encouraging.

The world pulled by your eyes and as it did there were patches of blackness now that filled you with fear, confusion, and tension. The view materialized again and you were looking out of your cockpit heading toward Malek. _Kylo I don’t want to do this again._ You said watching Malek failing at evasion. You watched him die all over again, and then watched the x-wing get behind Kylos craft. The same anxiety filled your body and then a calmness as you were headed on a collision course toward the x-wing. Time seemed to slow down allowing you to process the events with more clarity. **_Almost._ ** He said distractedly. You became aware of a growing sensation of Kylo filling your senses, and your space for an instant before impact, and then you were screaming. You were screaming from the fear of the impact, and you were screaming from the pain of trying to rip your mind away before you had to experience the collision. Suddenly you were falling as you continued to scream. 

Coming out of our shared mind space was like swimming up from dark water. Your eyes had remained open, and so the light and shapes slowly took form. As things came into a little more focus you realized that your head was leaning against something firm and warm again, and trapped there by something cradling it to the surface. Your legs had gone limp, and you were on the floor curled into the warm firm thing whose arm was around your shoulders. _His arm is around my shoulders. Kylo is holding me on the floor. I'm on the floor. I'm-_ Kylo lowered his chin to rest on top of your head. “You’re anxious.” He said calmly. You reached up to wipe tears off of your cheeks that you didn’t remember crying. “Yes.” You started trying to become defensive to protect yourself. Something incredibly intimate had just happened to you, and you needed your space from him so you could regather your defenses. You shifted some in his arms to try and signal you wanted to get up, but he just relaxed his hold some. You sighed in an effort to try and still your nerves. “I want you to release me Kylo. I don’t want to be a toy.” You pulled your head away from his chest and tried to sit up. Kylo was sitting with his legs crossed, and you were in his lap. He released your head from his hand but let his fingers run along your jawline before they fell. “You are not a toy.” 

You slowly got up from his lap choosing to ignore his uncharacteristic statement and moved to sit in front of what you assumed your tray to be at the table. “I’m assuming you’ve received something you wanted.” You said pulling the lid from the meal. The smell wafted up to you causing a mixture of hunger pangs, and exhaustion from the relaxing aroma to wash over you. Kylo stood and took his place across from you. “I did.” He said watching you. You began cutting up the food nodding. “I see.” You said before spearing some vegetables. “And?” You asked before popping them in your mouth as lady-like as you could manage. 

“I know now that you did not do it intentionally. And I know that you are genuine. Beyond that I still have no answers.” He said uncovering his own meal and poking at it with a fork. You watched him finding something adorable about him in this moment. Here was the Commander Ren, Leader of the Knights of Ren, a feared sith apprentice, sitting across from you toying with his meal. Kylo looked up with only his eyes from his plate and tilted his head. Before returning to his meal. 

You both ate in silence, or rather Kylo stabbed at his food deep in thought, and before you knew it you had cleared your plate. Once finished you put your head in your hand to unashamedly stare at Kylo. You had decided if he was going to stick around and brood mysteriously across from you in your quarters that he could deal with some unapologetic gazes. You sat for some time watching the rhythm of his chest rising and the way his eyes would move from one item, to another, in deep thought until he spoke up. “You’re staring.” He said moving only his eyes to look at you again. You nodded with a simple ‘mhm’ as a response. You rested your head in your hand, elbow on the table. Kylo raised an eyebrow followed by his head. “Why.” You shrugged sighing. “I don’t know. I just like the way you look when you brood.” Kylo leaned back in his chair finding a comfortable position. “I do not brood. I contemplate.” He said matter of factly. You snorted. “You most definitely brood. Though I wish it was contemplation.” 

Kylo considered your response quietly. “What difference does it make if I brood, or contemplate.” He said trying to keep his defensive nature from his voice. You stood from the table stretching your arms and back. “Well. When you brood you’re unhappy about something, or many things. And it’s obvious. I’d prefer you to contemplate on things that don't affect you so deeply. You have a great depth for feeling and it causes you pain. I don’t like that.” You said holding a hand out to Kylo. He looked slightly taken off guard and looked at your hand. He stood refusing to take it staring down at you. “My thoughts, and my feelings don’t concern you.” He said, starting to put up his armor. You shook your head smiling some. “You’re a very difficult man.” You grabbed his arm pulling him, with some effort, toward your room. “And we’re going to continue the talking that you've developed an interest in with me, where I can rest my aching body.” You said stepping into your room. Kylo stopped at the threshold as if there was an invisible force there. You turned and looked at him with your eyebrows raised. “Really? You’re just gonna. . . stand in the doorway?” You said before walking to your bed and pulling the covers back. You crawled into the far side and pulled the covers over the lower half of your body before leaning back onto the headboard. You patted the mattress loudly. “You’re already in my unit, it’s just furniture.” You said before patting it again. Slowly Kylo walked into the room staring down at the spot indecisively.

“I mean, I’m not going to bring up the fact that we were sixty seconds from violating First Order regulations in a public space a few nights ago, after I kicked your ass.” You said, giving him a devilish smile. Kylo glared at you quietly trying to decide most likely between joining you, or strangling you. “. . . I also don’t want you to leave yet.” You said quietly, with a sincere gentle smile. He sighed and sat stiffly on the edge of the bed. You crawled forward to kneel behind him and gently reached around his neck to slowly start unwrapping his hooded shawl. His hands shot up grabbing your arms. “Easy. I’m not trying to kill you.” You cooed. “I thought you would like to be comfortable, and I thought your pride would stand in your way. . . But if you want me to stop, I’ll stop. I don’t want to push you.” You said staying very still. He slowly released your arms and set his palms on the edge of the bed. You waited for a moment longer before unwrapping the scarf and pulling it off. You folded it and set it on the nightstand over the glove and then reached down placing your hand on the saber slowly. Kylo tensed putting his right hand over yours on it. You lifted the saber from the sheath and set it on the nightstand as well, Kylo's hand never leaving yours. 

Kylo guided your hand to his belt, and helped you release the latch, before setting his palms back on the bed. You removed it, adding it to the pile. Kylo reached up lifting his hair and you began undoing his neck seal and set it on the nightstand pile. The intimacy and attempt at trust wasn’t lost on you, and you felt that warm feeling of affection trickling through your veins. Kylo stood from the bed and turned around to look down at you. You reached a hand up to the fasteners on the front of his surcoat, undoing them, and then the under-tunic as well, so that it hung open to his undershirt. Kylo slid the surcoat and under-tunic off of his shoulders and you took them from his hands, carefully folding them as Kylo watched you with a somewhat tender look on his face. “Why are you like this toward me, despite what everyone says about me?” He asked quietly. You set the tunic on the floor under the nightstand, having run out of room and looked up to him. 

“Because you can be very kind to me when you let yourself.” You said sliding your robe to the side to show him your braced leg. The skin now had a light red network of scars on the surface. “I most likely would have never walked on my own correctly again. Let alone fly. You saved my happiness.” Kylo reached a hand down and brushed his fingers over the scars. “This scar is because of me.” He said and then clenched his fist tightly yanking his hand back. You shook your head as you started to take the brace off. “No Kylo. This scar is because I made a decision of my own free will to protect someone. You didn’t force me to do that. I did that.” You said pulling the brace from your thigh, you turned your back to him and untied your robe so that you could undo the brace support around your waist. 

You felt Kylo depress the bed as he took the empty space. You pulled the brace free and tossed it onto the other nightstand. You closed the robe, tightening the belt, and laid in the empty spot beside Kylo, leaned against the headboard as he was. “Do you know why I said I felt like I’m being torn apart?” He asked quietly, staring across the room in his usual intense nature. “No.” You pulled the blankets over you and settled in. “ . . . I don’t know how real any of this is.” He said with a strain to his voice. “We were connected somehow when you intervened. The way we are now, it may be a lie. Whatever is transpiring between us now could be a temporary reaction to the accidents' side effects. This force bond, it will die eventually. And if it doesn’t it will destroy you.” His voice shook softly at the end and you heard his head rise and then thud against the headboard in frustration. 

You gently slapped his leg. “Don’t hurt yourself.” You said gently. “Why would it destroy me? Nothing about this is hurting me.” Kylo lifted your hand on the mattress to look at it. “It’s me.” He said growing frustrated. “My power comes from anger, hatred, everything that destroys the spirit. You will have to see it grow in me. Watch it corrode me until none of this weakness remains.” You shook your head. “I don’t believe that. You’re stronger than that.” Kylo looked over at you, pain hiding in the depths of his eyes behind his frustration. “You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know what I’ve done.” He said so quiet it was almost a whisper. “But you will, eventually.”

You spread your fingers in his hand, and entwined them with his. “Sometimes we do crazy things to survive our past, to survive our present.” Kylo's hand trembled some in your grasp from the strain of his emotion. “I’m torn between shoving you away to save you, and allowing myself to be broken, and unworthy of my master.” You remained silent, not wanting to pressure him. This was the most that he had ever spoken to you at a stretch. “I don’t know if I won’t grow to hate you for this power you have.” He said thoughtfully. “Sometimes I get so fucking angry with you for it. I feel like a traitor because when we’re like this, connected in our bond, I can feel the light. I can’t tell if it's yours reflecting in myself, or a piece of it still lives in me. I want to drown it in darkness. Kill it somehow. Sometimes I’m worried.” He said closing his eyes painfully. You hated the way you could see the battle running across his face. It was the first time since you were forcefully recruited that you felt anger at the First Order. You were angry that they would cause him so much pain to what, be his spear head? The poster boy for behave or else? 

“Why are you worried?” You were nervous the question would anger him, but it sounded important. Kylo shook his head not wanting to tell you until finally “Snoke. You’ll die if he finds out. . . When he finds out. . . No.” He opened his eyes staring down at you darkly. “Do you understand now, why this is a problem?” He asked, gripping your hand painfully for a moment before pulling his hand from your grasp, and folding them across his stomach. You sighed feeling sadness creeping in and looked across the room. “. . . He can fuck around and find out.” You mumbled. Kylo's head turned looking at you and you turned your head to look at him, eyebrows raised. His face was a mixture of anger and disbelief. “You think that you can fight against Snoke and all of his power?” He asked incredulously. 

You shrugged. “I may not win, but if someones going to try and kill me, I’m not going to just stand there.” You said as if you weren’t talking borderline treasonous. Kylo actually let out a disbelieving near humorless laugh of disbelief. You felt your eyes widen some staring at him. “You are such a little fool.” He said, bringing a hand up to rub his eyes. You shrugged, closing your eyes. "I don't think it's foolish. I think its courage." You didn't know if ever what passed between Kylo and yourself would ever come to death, you expected that Kylo would throw you to the side before it came to that. "How is dying from a preventable issue courage?" His tone was annoyed. 

"Courage is doing what you have to do when you're afraid. But you do it anyway." You heard Kylo turn his head but didn't acknowledge it. "I thought you didn't care about dying." You noticed his tone was argumentative and you debated on how to handle his rise. "I'm not. I'm afraid for my mother, how she'll survive without me. I'm afraid for my best friend and how her heart will break. I'm afraid for the people I care about and how a single death can have ripples in people's lives that we can't measure." 

There was a long silence that caused you to look to Kylo. He was staring at you with an intense stare that you were having trouble deciphering. Finally he spoke very quietly, with slightly higher pitch than normal. "You remind me of my mother." He said and looked away in an almost shameful manner. ". . . Is that bad?" You didn't know anything about Kylos past, where he came from, who his family was, but it didn't seem that it was a happy one from his turbulent emotions. "Usually. Yes. She was selfish. . . She never had time for her family, but had time for strangers. She threw me away to my uncle when it was convenient." He paused and you watched his jaw clench tightly and then release. "But she spoke beautifully with warmth. At times I could almost believe she cared." He said flexing his hands. "You lie, but for childish reasons to me. You're a good person." 

You were confused if that was a compliment or not. "I'm sorry Kylo. She doesn't know what kind of man she's missing." You said putting your hand on his forearm. "She knows. You're the one that doesn't know me." He said before sitting up to sit with his feet on the floor on the edge of the bed. He leaned on his elbows and laced his fingers in his hair to hold his head. He looked like he was struggling with something inside himself again. "I don't understand what you see in me." He said almost inaudibly. You moved to kneel behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. "I see a lot in the little things. The way you choose to handle me, the way your eyes change, the way you always seem to find me. The way you trust me right now, to be here right now. To speak with me about what is going on. I see so much.” You said trying to fight the fear of one wrong word and he would storm out of the room. Kylo let out a shuddering breath and rubbed his hands up and down over his face. 

You leaned forward and rested your head on his shoulder gently. “I feel so. . . You make me so. . . “ He was stone still for a minute before standing quickly. “I need to go.” He said and leaned down to grab his under-tunic. You stared at him wide eyed trying to think of what to say before you did the only thing you could think of. You pulled yourself to the very edge of the bed as he opened the under-tunic and snatched it down out of his hands. His mouth opened to say something accompanied by anger, but you wrapped your hand around the back of his neck and yanked his head down quickly. You pressed your mouth into his with desperate longing intent, attempting to say everything you couldn’t say to him in one kiss. His hands at first tense, found their way under your arms and he lifted you up against his chest as he stood. 

You wrapped your arms around his neck, and Kylo guided your legs around his waist as the kiss deepened. _Stop fighting me. Stop. Just stop. Just exist. Just breathe and exist. Stop thinking._ You thought desperately as your mouth explored his. Kylo increased the passion of the kiss, almost as if he heard you, and bit your bottom lip almost violently in his teeth before starting to work his way down your jawline with bites and licks. He slid his hands up your legs and then stopped at your robes edge to wrap them around your back in a tight embrace. You shivered in his arms winding your fingers in his hair again. **_I will disappoint you, and I will hurt you in the end._ ** His voice raced through your mind, more clear than ever in this moment. _I would do it again, and again, and again just to have this part of you._ Talking to him now this way seemed so natural at this point. You just knew that he could hear your voice. It was a reflex in this moment, like breathing. 

**_We will see._ **Kylo's mouth made its way to the collar of your robe and he leaned back, letting your body lean away from his with your hips acting as a balancing point. Kylo reached a hand up to pull the elastic from your hair, and used his teeth to slide it onto his wrist. You knew you were never seeing that hair tie again. He reached between you with one arm and ripped the belt open that was fastening your robe. His dark needing amber pools looked into your own as he grabbed one side of the robe and pulled it open to expose your bare flesh beneath it. His gaze traveled down the length of your exposed body, starting from your neck, breasts, stomach, and then your hips. His lips parted slightly in a haze of lust at the site of you. As fast as the spell fell on him, a new one took its place. You could feel the lust begin to change into a frenzy. He slid the arm that had pulled half of your robe back around your now naked back to hold you and then ripped the rest of the robe free of you, nearly causing you to completely lose your hold on his neck. 

You could feel your arousal between your legs hotter than a star, and wetter than the ocean, longing to be satisfied. Kylo stepped up to the bed and placed his hand in the middle of your chest. He shoved you off of him and onto the bed roughly. You gasped, surprised at the roughness that his touch was taking. You reached your hands up to wrap around his neck again as he brought your lips together in a probing wet kiss. A shiver racked your body again as his hand went to the outside of your thigh and squeezed. He dragged his hand slowly up your skin, stretching your skin under the pressure of his touch, to continue its journey up the side of your body, and then finally grasping your breast in his hand. You sighed with pleasure feeling his thumb grazing over your nipple. His mouth moved from yours and he began devouring down your neck, down your chest, your stomach, and you moaned from anticipation as his mouth tortured the flesh of your hip. _Please. Please. Please._ You begged silently. Kylo slowly kissed his way down your mound before pausing at your slit. His hands slid to the insides of your thighs and squeezed them once hard enough to make you groan in pain before he ran his tongue experimentally over the opening. You let out a loud moan reflexively and gripped the sheets. The roller coaster of emotions had taken its toll on you, and it made this all the more delectable. 

Kylo began to work on your pussy, switching between long languid passes with his tongue, and then diving deep inside of you with it as if he was trying to devour your mouth again. You gripped the sheets with white knuckles trying to stifle the soft mewls of pleasure escaping your mouth. Kylo reached up toward your face with his hand as he worked. **_Suck._ ** He commanded in your mind. You pushed your head toward the two fingers he held out to gladly. You licked from the base of his fingers to the tips before sliding them slowly between your lips, and then slid them slowly across your tongue to the back of your throat. You pulled your head back to slide them out again before sliding them into the back of your throat. Kylo groaned softly between your thighs and began thrusting his fingers into your mouth. You choked out a moan, loving the feeling of him taking control of you. Once the spit started to coat his fingers and your lips he pulled his hand away and moved it between your legs. 

He slowly slid the tip of his tongue upwards to find your clit, as the tips of his fingers slowly slid into your pussy. You moaned as his tongue found its target while his fingers buried themselves fully into you. _Oh my stars. Yes._ You whimpered in your mind. Encouraged Kylo worked circles around your clit while he began to mercilessly fuck your pussy with his fingers. You threw an arm over your mouth to stop the cries of pleasure from escaping your mouth from the vicious assault. You could feel your orgasm building as your legs trembled and you shook your head back and forth. _NO NO. NOT YET!_ You rasped trying to pull away from him. He slowly pulled his fingers out of you and leaned back to lick them as he examined you. **_Oh no. Not quite yet my little fool._ ** He cooed. He raised a hand towards you and you felt a force pulling you across the bed. He followed your body, placing his hips between your thighs, and leaned down to look into your eyes closely. 

You stared up into the amber pools feeling drunk on lust and affection. **_I want you to stroke me._ **Your hands quickly went to the waistband of his pants and started to hurriedly fumble with the latches. He leaned down, assaulting your mouth with another wave of hungry wet kisses, hard enough that you thought your lips would bruise. You finally unfastened his pants and with his help slid them low enough on his hips that his dick was able to slide from the fabric. It sprang out and the tip stopped with a tap against your slit causing a shutter to run through you bothe. You wrapped your hand gently around it and felt your anticipation mount even higher. He was thicker and longer than you had expected. He was hard in anticipation, and the skin was incredibly soft under your hand. Kylo groaned softly into the kiss as you slid your hand lightly up and down the shaft in a gentle caress. 

After a few moments of exploring him with your hand Kylo reached between you to rub the tip against your slit, spreading your juices further onto the opening. He slowly pushed the head of his dick into you causing a soft moan to pass your lips, and paused once just the head was in. **_Do you truly want all of me? All of the anger, the hate, the darkness?_ **Despite the lustful tone to his voice there seemed to be doubt in there as well. You wrapped your legs around his waist and broke the kiss to look into his eyes. “I want you. Whoever you are, that’s who I want.” You said, placing a hand on the side of his face. Kylo kept looking into your eyes as he slowly began burying himself in you. As he watched your face contorted in pleasure, his mouth slowly opened in his own. His brow furrowed as your hips touched, as deep as he could possibly reach inside of you. 

The tone changed once again between both of you as he looked into your eyes with tender need. He needed to feel your affection, he needed to feel wanted by you, he needed to share this with you. He pressed his forehead to yours, and you closed your eyes. You slid your hand to his hair as he began his thrusts. His movements were long, hard, and deep. Every time he rolled his hips into yours, he was pressing into your cervix, drawing a moan from your mouth. Kylo's hand that wasn't supporting his body from crushing you into the mattress, found its way to loosely hold your neck. You shivered realizing that so many people had felt this same hand, in the same place, trying to strangle the life out of their eyes. This time though, Kylo wanted to see how much you had surrendered, and you let him without any fear. You actually enjoyed the passing of trust between you that his grip symbolized. You could feel his movements begin to pick up speed, but not hurried, as his breathing increased. You didn’t need words to tell him how good it felt, you knew he could feel you, as you could feel him in this moment. The pleasure rolling off of him was almost maddening, and the abandon to the moment. You worked your legs around his waist in time with the thrusts to pick up the pace once again. 

“Kylo.” You sighed. You felt Kylo's fingers twitch around your neck and there was a slow swirling pressure that began to swirl your clit. You moaned deeply and began to hungrily grind your hips into his own. He buried his face into your neck and began to snap his hips into yours with more urgency. He moaned softly as your other hand wrapped around his shoulder to dig your nails into his fabric covered skin. _I want to feel you cum in me._ You begged him. Kylo groaned and wrapped his hand firmer around your neck. He rose over you to look down into your face. **_If that is what you wish my little fool._ ** His thrusts increased in speed and ferocity, becoming a desperate hard fuck. You cried out in a mixture of pleasure and pain as the swirls on your clit picked up its pace. You could feel your body jostling with every impact of his own and your orgasm pending. You remembered what he had said before as his animalistic thrusts slammed his cock into your pussy, making your eyes want to roll back. _I can’t decide if I want you to scream my name in pain or bliss._ Kylo moaned, hearing his own words in your mind and leaned down to capture your mouth in his once more. His tongue threatened to choke you as he desperately tried to consume every inch of you he could. He wrapped his arms around you, molding your forms into one chaotic mass.

**_Both. Anything. Everything. I want everything. I want all of your pleasure. All of your pain. I want my name to be the only one on your lips. Always. You are mine. You belong to me. I want you to fucking cum. CUM!_ ** His words, his command, the thrusts, and the frantic pace on your clit was too much. Your head snapped back as you felt your climax consuming you. Your eyes rolled back in your head, and your hand gripped Kylo's hair viciously as you screamed his name. Kylo moaned loudly, filling you with his own cum. His thrusts became erratic as the pleasure enveloped him, the heat of it spread in your pussy making you mewl with ecstasy. Finally he stilled, deep inside you, and pressed his sweaty face into your neck. You both laid there in each others arms struggling to breath, basking in the warm pulsing afterglow of sex. Neither of you spoke as you felt Kylo softening in you, and your juices slowly running out. 

After a moment Kylo slowly lifted himself over you, on his hands and pulled himself out gently. “You need a bath.” He said softly before crawling backwards from the bed. He put himself back into his pants, leaving them still undone and held a hand out for you to take. You smiled softly and sat up. You took his hand and let him help you off the bed shakily. You went to stand and felt a mixture of wobbling legs, and a flare up of pain from your thigh threaten your stability. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders to steady you and led you slowly to the bathroom. _I like this. What we have. This silence between us where we can just speak and exist._ You thought as Kylo released you in front of the shower. He kissed the side of your head in response and slid the door open, starting the water.

He motioned for you to get into the shower and you slowly limped in. You stood under the hot water for a moment before turning to look to Kylo. He unfastened his boots, and kicked them off, before unzipping the sleeves of his undershirt. _And that's how they get those impossible sleeves on those incredible arms._ You mused. He shot you an un-amused look while starting to lift the hem of his shirt. As it rose it revealed the most stunning warrior's body you had ever seen. His stomach was toned and firm, his chest was broad and sculpted and his arms, _oh those arms_ , were perfect for running your hands over. He dropped his shirt examining your face quietly for a moment and then slid out of his pants. “My, my.” you whispered as he walked toward you. “What?” He asked defensively. 

You leaned against the wall so that he could step into the water and continued to examine his body. “You’re just. . . Perfect.” You whispered softly. He frowned as he ran his hand over a pink scar on his stomach, one of many scattered over him. “Far from it.” He responded looking at the wall instead of you. It dawned on you suddenly that the most powerful, seemingly confident, man in the galaxy didn’t realize how beautiful he was. “. . . Kylo.” You said reaching out and running your fingers over a smaller scar on his chest. “You’re incredible.” He looked to you searching your face as he usually did for a hint of a lie before looking down at your hand that was feeling the scar tissue. “No.” He said before pulling you into an embrace under the water. **_These marks are reminders of mistakes that could have been failures. There is nothing incredible about it._ **

“I’ll keep my opinion.” You nestled into his chest and for the first time began to pray to the universe. You prayed that this wasn’t a lie. You prayed that he could stay with you like this forever. You prayed he could learn to accept these moments as strength, not a weakness. You prayed that the weight of his mind would lift. You prayed that he could know peace. You prayed like you had never prayed before. 

“It will be what it will be. You can not fight your fate.” He said quietly in your ear. You nuzzled his chest with your face and then looked up to him. “Kylo. . . Promise me you’ll try. At Least try to fight. Try to remember how this felt. I know when you leave here, you’re going to climb into your own mind again. You’re going to dive deeper than you ever have to try and understand. But just remember this right here when you do.” He was silent for a very long time, considering his words. “I won’t make unforeseeable promises to you. You have no idea what the dark side is capable of, and what it can do to the mind. You have no idea what this right here is doing to me right now.” He said running his fingers down the side of your face. “Every touch, kiss, caress that I give you, it hurts me now, and it will hurt worse later. It is against everything I am built to be. So don’t ask anything more. I can’t promise you the future, or anything more than this here and now. Know that you are mine, and let that serve for the time.” You nodded and tried to divert your mind to being in the moment, versus what may occur later. 

Kylo gently moved you away and picked up the soap. He slowly began washing you, starting with your arms. You enjoyed the feeling of his calloused hands sliding over your skin with a compulsive tendency. He seemed so intent on ensuring your cleanliness. He squatted down, and began washing first your good leg, and then began washing your healing leg. When he got to your thigh he ran his soapy fingers over it. After a moment of gazing at your scar he stood and stepped back so you could rinse off. Once rinsed you took the soap and began to slowly wash Kylo, starting at his legs and working your way up. His body shivered as you gently lathered the length that had just given you so much pleasure. “Careful.” He murmured watching you. You smiled some and moved your hands to slowly continue upward. You washed his chest, arms and then motioned for him to turn around. Kylo turned, keeping his head angled to watch you the best he could from the corner of his eye. 

You lathered his back, setting the soap down, and then started to massage his shoulders. You could feel muscle knots, and tension, from all of the stress he constantly carried. You worked the knots from his shoulder, eliciting a soft sigh from Kylo occasionally, and then worked your way down the sides of his spines. You looked up to his water spattered hair, enjoying the way the light caught the light and glittered. It was like he was wearing the stars in his hair as a crown worthy of the god that he was. You wondered quietly as you worked your way now to his lower back if Kylo knew how complete you felt in these small moments. You finished and ran your hands over his back once before letting him step into the waters stream. He tilted his head back under the water, and you watched the trickles of water trace chaotic patterns down his chest and hips. Kylo stepped out of the water and turned you around. He grabbed your shampoo, and began to slowly massage it into your head. “I’ve never had someone wash my hair before. Its nice.” You closed your eyes, enjoying his fingers. When he finished he let you rinse himself as he washed his own hair. You stepped out of the shower, grabbing your towel and began to dry, watching him rinse away the last of the soap suds. 

He joined you outside of the shower, and grabbed a towel from your linen closet. “ I don’t have to tell you that no-one can know of this, do I?” He asked, rubbing his hair with the towel. You shook your head before going to your toiletries bag and getting a new elastic. You bound your hair on top of your head before hanging your towel up. “No, you don’t.” Kylo finished drying himself and hung his towel over the hook in the bathroom and nodded. He began redressing in his clothes and you felt a small pang of disappointment that he intended to leave. You left the bathroom and went to the bedroom. You laid out his clothes on the bed and then picked up the under-tunic. You held it in our hands feeling the fabric for a moment before bringing it to your face to inhale his scent. You sighed enjoying his natural skin smell mixed with the citrus and sandalwood. 

You heard Kylo's boot falls coming toward you, and looked over to him with his under-tunic gripped to your chest. He tilted his head coming over to you with a curious look. “What are you doing?” He asked, holding his hand out for his tunic. You shook your head. “Something foolish.” You said with a sad tone to your voice. You ignored his hand and slid the tunic over his arm. He turned, slipping his other arm into the tunic. You picked up his surcoat, sliding it over his shoulders as well. Kylo turned to face you and watched as you fastened the garments closed. You continued dressing him, taking great care in the act. You insured his belt was in just the right position, the fabric of his coat wasn’t pinched. You made sure his neck seal was perfectly aligned and tucked in with no hair trapped beneath it. Your attention to detail delayed his inevitable departure. You finally picked up his light saber from the bed and looked at it for a moment before sliding it into the saber clip at his belt. You finally picked up his hooded wrap and began to drape it carefully around him. Once finished you ran your hand over the fabric on his chest. 

Kylo placed his hand over yours looking down at you intensely before kissing your forehead. “You know the arrangement.” He said as he pressed his forehead to yours. “Now go to bed.” He said raising a hand at the bed. The blankets moved on their own, re-straining and folding back for you to crawl in. You sighed and broke away from him to crawl in. He sat on the edge pulling the blankets over you carefully. He looked over to the night stand, you assumed to assure he left nothing behind, and his gaze stopped on his glove you had been keeping from him. Thoughtfully his fingers went to your elastic wrapped around his wrist. “I’m going to have something delivered to you tomorrow. I want you to keep it with you always.” He said solemnly. “No one is to use it except for you.” He looked at you intently. You nodded. Kylo leaned over to take your lips in his one more time. It was a kiss filled with unspoken warmth and a desire to stay. Your tongues gently brushed over each other as you savored the contact with one another. Kylo pulled away looking down at you before brushing his hair back and standing. “Good night my little fool.” He said before walking, for the first time, calmly from your room. Your door closed, and you listened intently until you heard the door to your unit open and close. You sighed curling up into the bed, enjoying the smell of him lingering in the sheets, and let it lull your spinning mind to sleep.


	8. Conflict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I should have seen the warning  
> This heavy weight inside my chains  
> I should have told you sooner  
> Thought that I could wait instead  
> Can we stay here together  
> Waiting for answers  
> And figure out which way we should go  
> Is it out of our hands or  
> Do we still have the chance if  
> We hold on till the last of our hope  
> Can we come back from this  
> Can we come back from this  
> Put the pieces back where they belong"  
> -Hidden Citizens

"Too Far Gone" - Hidden Citizens

"Blah Blah Blah" -Armin van Buuren

\----------------------------------------------------

You woke then next day to the sound of your unit's door chime. You crawled from the bed and put on your robe as you walked to it. You hit the call button and cleared your throat. “Yes.” You said groggily. “It's me!” Kris’s voice whispered loudly. “Let me in before I get caught!” You frowned wondering how in the hell she got onto the floor to begin with. You opened the door, and Kris quickly came in. “What the fuck Kris.” You said feeling grouchy from being roused from your Kylo scented den. You gave her a quick hug and watched a server droid roll in behind her with yet another tray of food. Kris eyed the droid and then turned to look at you. She was wearing her usual engineering jumpsuit and her hair was piled high. “Do you know how long I had to pretend to work on the access panel by the lift until that thing came along.” She said pointing at the droid. “. . . So. Instead of paging me, you decided to sneak into a secure wing by following the droid. . . logical.” You said rolling your eyes. You walked to the table and uncovered the tray. On it there was breakfast, and hot coffee. You smiled seeing a black box on the tray as well.  _ I want you to keep it with you always. _ His voice snaked through your mind. 

“Hellooooo!!??” Kris said. “Did you not hear me?” She asked walking over and looking at you annoyed. You looked up as you picked up the coffee. “No. Im sorry. I had a busy night.” You said pouring a cup. Kris snorted eyeing you. She reached out pulling the neck of the robe to the side. “Oh yeah you did.” Her tone was off from her normal cheer. She plopped down at the table where Kylo had been only hours before. You rolled your eyes taking a seat and shrugged. “Things happen.” You mumbled as you took small sips of the coffee. “Well, as I had said. . . Spill.” She said leaning on the table with her arms. You looked at her quietly debating on telling her about all of the events that had transpired or not as you drank the coffee. Finally you set the cup down on your tray and shook your head. “I can’t Kris. I made a promise. Besides, you’re smart. You can figure it out.” You said with a small smile. You picked up the box from the tray examining the black metal for a moment and then lifted the lid open. 

Inside the box was a small black communicator that fit in your palm with a small screen. You lifted it out and set the box down with a small frown. This had not been what you were expecting from him, but then again for him to give you anything was still surprising. You examined the device, discovering that it slid upwards revealing a keypad. “What is that?” Kris asked, tilting her head. You shrugged. “Just a tool for work.” You said watching the screen light up. Once it powered on all the way it asked you for a passcode. You thought deeply trying to think what he would have set it as. “I don’t like secrets.” Kris said edgily. “We’re best friends, remember? We don't have secrets. Ever.” She stood walking over to your side looking down at you. You looked up at her and felt a small pang of guilt. “I know. . . It’s just. . . It’s dangerous. What's happening between him and I. . . “ You trailed off as Kris nodded. “It’s just me.” She said quietly. “I’m not going to tell anyone. It’s not like I want to have what's his face. . . ‘Matt’. That's right. I don’t want ‘Matt’ to exact revenge on me.” She bartered. You looked up at her quietly before motioning to the chair. “Sit.” you said returning to look at the screen. It dawned on you after a moment and you typed in ‘little fool’. The screen went black for a moment until a message popped up on the screen. “Confirm possession. -K” You smiled some and replied “Confirmed.” You set the communicator on the table and looked to Kris. 

You both looked at each other quietly as you tried to decide what would be the best way to start. “. . . You know when I was in my collision?” Kris nodded. “When it happened, something happened between ‘Matt’ and I.” You said fidgeting with the mug on the table. “Like. . . I guess like a force bond almost.” You said trying to figure it out. Kris raised her eyebrows. “Wow. That’s. . . . a little terrifying.” You shrugged. “It’s not terrifying though. That’s the thing. It feels so comfortable being that way with him. We can feel each other sometimes, what we think or feel. We have this quiet comfort within one another, at least when we’re not fighting or upset. Even then, I’m not afraid when he’s angry because of it. I can feel that he wouldn’t hurt me physically.” You said looking down at the coffee mug. Kris let out a sigh from her nose. “That sounds great hun, but seriously. He’s him you know? Haven't you even tried to find out about his history? The things he’s done?” 

You shook your head feeling the sadness creeping into you slightly. You wished silently Kris had stayed away awhile longer and let you enjoy the high from last night. “I don’t pressure him. If he wants me to know, he’ll tell me.” You said before starting to sip the coffee again. You glanced at the communicator, wondering if he said anything anxiously. “You need to know, ____. This stuff is pretty serious. There’s a reason people are afraid of him.” Kris whispered. You shook your head feeling angry with her. “Kris. I get that you want to protect me, but he’s not a monster. He’s a living breathing man. He has kindness, goodness, in him. You just don’t understand him the way I do.” Kris was very quiet for a long time and then very softly she spoke. “You may have an understanding, but who he is, is a lie born from the corruption of his very mind and soul. He was turned against everyone that he loved. That man was murdered by his own hand. He’s a wounded animal, and that makes him dangerous.” She said quietly. “It was fine when it was just a romantic fling. I thought that might actually be good for everyone, but this force connection. . . That makes you a target for Snoke. For the resistance. For the Knights. For ANYONE looking to hurt him. You really don’t get it.” Kris stood as you looked at her suspiciously. You had never heard Kris speak like this, and with so much authority. “You need to end it with him, and get away from here.” 

“What the fuck Kris?” You said standing as well. She waved her hand. “Look. I just want you safe. I love you. You’re my girl.” She said looking at the communicator as it vibrated on the table. “What the hell do you mean he murdered himself? How do you know all of this shit Kris?” You asked, feeling angry and confused. Something about this conversation made you feel incredibly uneasy. Kris shook her head waving a hand. “Nothing. Just. Forget everything. Be careful.” Kris started toward the door and you watched her go. Kris was normally so bubbly and happy. You had never seen her so serious and carry so much authority. It was like someone had taken over your friend's body. You felt like you didn’t know your friend anymore. 

You checked the communicator. ‘Selections awaiting your approval. Make contact with your mother. Dezals Inn. 12 hundred FO time. 2 days. Make the arrangements.-K’ You furrowed your brow. You had expected a more personal touch to your communications with Kylo, not orders. You felt like you were just another servant to his will at this point. You collected your coffee, data pad, and went to your office. You were still a little early for the shift hand off, so you pulled up the information for your mother. You compiled a communication and sent them to her. You also sent her credits for her passage to your next station. With that done you turned your attention to the selection files with increasing curiosity. “The hell does selections awaiting your approval mean?” You mumbled putting in your security codes. Your personal selection log popped up and somehow all of the slots were filled in. You frowned starting to scan through the candidates, finding them to be exceptionally qualified. You tilted your head, determined to go through every file. “What in the hell.” You mumbled confused. After some time passed, you closed the file to attend to the duty change and sign offs. You went over the normal paperwork trying to focus as you mind kept nagging at the previous issue. You finished your final communications with the squadrons leaders before turning back to the personnel selection. You looked at the data pad screen quietly for some time until the realization hit you. 

“That mother fucker went into my files!” You hissed standing so fast the chair flipped backwards. You slammed your palm on the desktop near the data pad before snatching it from its cradle. You tucked it under your arm and opened your communicator. ‘How dare you do my job for me. You wouldn’t know the first thing about qualified squadrons, captains, flight engineers, bomber pilots, or my job. Don’t go through my shit again.’ You stalked into your room debating on sending the message or not. You stopped in front of your bed staring down at the device feeling your anger rolling off of you like a wave. Kylo had violated your security clearance, and in the process of doing your job for you, insulted you to your core. What he had done made you feel like he thought you incapable of your duties, and weak. You sneered. “Fuck him and his temper.” you said hitting send. You threw the tablet and communicator on the bed and went to your bathroom to wash your face, brush your teeth, and fix your hair. 

You didn’t have any particular reason to leave your unit, the personnel selections were the foremost of your duties, but you needed to soothe your nerves. You struggled your way into the fitted TIE flight suit and replaced your leg brace. The weakness of your leg only added to your sour attitude. You zipped the suit up and put your boots on. You heard the communicator vibrate and you ignored it as you put on your pistol harness, and slid it into the holster. You heard the communicator go off again and then his voice as if far away in your mind.  **_Why are you behaving this way?_ ** Kylos tone seemed to be frustrated.  _ Good.  _ You ignored him and started out of the room before looking at the communicator. You glared at it for a long time before picking it up and placing it in your flight suit pocket. You pulled your earpiece from your data pad, putting it in your ear and then started out of the door. If it was pressing they could page you.  **_Answer me. Now._ ** You shook your head focusing on your foot falls to try and block him out.

You used the walk to the launch bay to try to wrestle your anger down. What Kylo had done had been incredibly insensitive, and coupled with Kris acting strange and somewhat rude, you were fed up. “It’s too early to be this over it.” You mumbled as you entered the launch bay. You went to where your helmet, and life support gear was stored and began suiting up. You flinched as the earpiece in your ear chimed. “Open the Line.” You waited and after a moment you heard Kylos voice come onto the line. “You are ignoring my pages.” His voice was seething. You snorted. “Yup. Disconnect.” The line died. “Line to Launch Bay Bridge.” You said tightening the straps on your life support and turning towards the TIEs. “Launch Bay Bridge.” A voice spoke into your ear. You walked toward a TIE and waved your hand in the air. “Good morning bridge control. This is Wing Commander _____. I’d like to join patrol if that suits the bridge?” You checked to make sure the TIE was free and clear from deck restraints before climbing in. “Good morning to you wing commander. More the merrier Ma’am. Launch at the ready, patrols are currently at starboard and port beam.” You saluted the bridge with two fingers as you started the TIE and watched the transparisteel door close over you. You strapped yourself in, already feeling your mind clear. The headset chirped in your ear again and you sighed. You piloted the TIE out of the launch bay and once clear from the bay doors, opened her up. 

You guided the screaming TIE a careful distance from the ship and then banked, beginning a much larger circle than the current patrol squadron. You followed around them scanning the star smeared sky, enjoying the feeling of the TIE wrapped around you. The comfort of instrument panels slow pulses, and gentle glows, made your nerves start to release. You logged a course command into the computer and then released the controls. You rolled your shoulders slowly and flexed your hands thinking quietly.  _ He had violated my security, and he had insulted me. But maybe he didn't understand what it would mean to me. But why oh why would he do that? _ You contemplated examining the surface of the massive star destroyer as you circled it. 

You sighed reaching in the flight suit pocket and pulled out the communicator. The newest message was obviously angry. ‘You have no basis for your hostility. Now answer me.’ You moved onto the next message. ‘If I have the chance to help you again. I won’t. You can struggle alone if that’s what you choose. The selection was done by your own work with the filters. I simply selected the highest ratings per your specifications. I thought you would like to rest from the work you had put in from the previous day, am I wrong?-K’ You felt your cheeks flush under the helmet and you looked out into space. He had been trying to show kindness, the only way he knew how. You flexed your jaw in frustration trying to think of how to apologize to him. Your pride caused you to type one word before shoving the communicator in your pocket. ‘Acknowledged.-LF’ 

You completed the 4 hour patrol in contemplation and light radio chatter with the rest of the squadron before heading back to the launch bay. You landed your TIE in its bay and powered down. The communicator had been eerily calm the remainder of your flight, and it made your heart fall a little.  _ If you can hear me. I’m sorry. I get so mad lately, and I don’t know why. I should have just talked to you, but I just gave in and became angry. That’s not like me, and that’s not who I want to be with you. _ You focused on your thoughts as hard as possible, imagining that you were staring into Kylos eyes as the transparisteel port opened. You imagined yourself hugging him, your face nestling into his shoulder. For a moment you could almost smell him with you. You sighed not knowing if it worked, or how any of this worked. You climbed from the TIE and waved to the squadron as you made your way to your gear storage space. 

“How was it Wing Commander?” Kal’s voice spoke up behind you. You smiled some and pulled the helmet from your head, placing it on the rack, and then your life support. “Exhilarating. Almost as enjoyable as guarding a door, but I'll never top that Kal.” You turned to look at him and came face to face with Kal finally. He was tall with green eyes, olive skin, and wavy honey brown hair pulled back in a messy bun. Kal was in a grey long sleeve shirt, black pants, and black boots. “. . . I don’t think that hair is in regs.” You said in an effort to not stare. Kal laughed and followed you as you started to walk towards the door out of the bay. “I wear a bucket, they never see it.” He said with a shrug of his broad shoulders. Not that you were looking to notice they were broad out of the corner of your eye. 

You smiled despite your rocky mood. “I suppose. But I see it now. What if I said cut it, hm?” You continued down the hall curious as to why he was following you. “Hmmmm.” He pondered dramatically. “I would suppose I’d have to bribe you then?” You glanced over to see a mischievous warm smile. “That’s against regulations.” You said enjoying the break from your own mind. “Then I’ll submit now.” He said mimicking wrist bracers holding his arms together and held them towards you. You laughed freely pushing his arms away. “You’re extremely bold, Kal.” He dropped his arms shrugging. “I try to make everyone feel a little better, everywhere I go. Everyones too damn serious on this ship.” You turned down a corridor and reached up to your flight suit's collar. “Well. It’s a military operation. I don't know what to tell you.” You zipped the front open to your collarbones and looked over to Kal. He was smiling warmly and looking over at you. “Yeah. I guess.” He shrugged and looked ahead. “So. About that bribe.” He said motioning down the hall. “Grab some chow with me and Terrac later on at dinner. We’re going to be in the mess hall two at 19 hundred hours.” He said questioningly. You contemplated as you walked quietly. He was so much nicer than you had expected, a genuinely warm person. He reminded you of someone, but you couldn’t remember who. “Yeah. Yeah, sure I guess.” You could do with more friends. 

He grinned and stuck his hands in his pockets as you both walked in silence for a little bit. “So. Where is Terrac?” You asked curiously, looking over at him. “Sleeping.” He answered quietly as you both stopped at the lifts. You hit the button and stepped on with Kal as the doors opened. “Explains why you’re harassing me.” You said and pressed the floor where Becas unit was. Kal snorted. “Hardly harassing. This is me being friendly. I’m literally trained by the First Order in techniques similar to harassment, if I was using them you’d know.” He said leaning on the lift wall furthest from you. Kals pose was so casual and reposed, you wondered how a person like him wound up in the First Order. “No thank you. I’d rather not kick a second man's ass this week. It’s exhausting.” Kal laughed a deep, heartfelt laugh hanging his head down as he did so. “Oh stars. I can honestly believe that.” He said, shaking his head. 

You felt yourself start to giggle softly and covered your mouth with your hand. Before you knew it you were laughing along with Kal. “Oh no, I’m awful.” You said trying to get your laughter under control. You sucked in a shaking breath still smiling. It felt good to laugh and relax, and Kal was a nice dose of friendly contact that you needed. The lift stopped and Kal waved his hand dramatically for you to continue with a small bow. “Until we meet again ma’am.” His voice was full to the brim with a happy playful tone. You bowed dramatically before passing by. “Thanks for the laughs Kal. I needed that.” You said turning to look at him outside of the doors. He stood and winked. “Anytime lady.” He pressed the lift button and gave you a lazy two finger salute as the doors shut. You smiled feeling better now than you had all morning and walked toward Becas unit door. 

You paged her, and after a moment the door opened and sweet Beca stood there surprised. “You had me worried, young lady.” She said before breaking into a smile. “Not me.” You said sarcastically and accepted her motion to come in. “I just poured some tea, I’ll get you a cup. Come sit down.” She said putting an arm around you. She led you to a blanket and pillow littered First Order couch and made a space for you. Once seated she wrapped a blanket around your shoulders and then headed off to the kitchen. “I’m sorry it’s so cold in here, just like the rest of this icebox of a ship. It’s a wonder I don’t get frostbite cases honestly.” She rattled from the kitchen. You laughed while wrapping the soft blanket around you. You weren’t cold, but the feeling of being bundled up with sweet Beca getting you tea was incredibly perfect. She came over setting a tray down with milk, sugar, and two cups of tea. “Now, I’m not too sure on the milk origins, and the tea for that matter. You know how it is on the ships. But it’s decent for the situation here. I plan on getting something better when we get to the station tomorrow. Fresh air, sunlight, some greenery, it’ll be perfect.” She said dreamily as she fixed her cup. 

“I’m going to see my mother there the day after tomorrow.” You said fixing your own cup up. You lifted it to your lips to blow on the steaming concoction. Beca smiled clearly delighted. “Oh that’s so wonderful!” She touched your arm gently and leaned closer like a gossip. “Is it because of. . .” She looked at the view screen and then raised her eyebrows. You shook your head smiling. You knew you were lying to her, but you couldn’t handle anything Kylo drama related right now. Beca patted your arm almost as if she could read your mind. “Never mind that then. I was just hoping for you, is all.” She winked and smiled at you. You took a few sips from the tea and sat listening to her recount a tale about a janitor that came in complaining of sleepwalking. “Well. It turned out his unit bunkmate had been playing a joke on the poor thing. He would get some of their friends to pick up the janitor with the bed sheets and carry him to a random place on the ship every night.” She said laughing. You giggled. “That’s a seriously deep sleep cycle.” You mumbled somewhat amazed. 

You twisted the mug in your hands thoughtfully and then looked over to her. “Beca. Can I ask you something?” Beca blinked a few times as she noted the tone of your voice. “Well, of course dear.” She said placing a hand on your arm again. You smiled some and then looked down at your cup, feeling the stress slowly creep in. “I think I might have hurt his feelings, but I don't know. He’s complicated. I apologized but he won't say anything.” You said in a very quiet voice. “What happened?” She asked, giving your arm a gentle squeeze. You tried to think of a way to tell her without saying too much. “We had a really nice long conversation. And then he did something that made me angry because it made me feel like he thought I wasn’t capable. So I chewed him out and refused to talk to him. Later though I apologized and really meant it, even though I’m still angry. . . But I feel so. . . just. . . I feel a lot of things.” You said failing to frame this sick twisting feeling mixed with anger. 

Beca put her arm now around your shoulder to give you a half hug. “You don’t have to name it. I know what you mean. You want to know how to fix it?” She asked. You nodded staring at the tea. “You did good by apologizing to him. It’s up to him to take the next step, which is to apologize for crossing your boundaries, and for you both to accept the apology. But you have to remember he is a complicated man. He may not apologize in a way that is words because of who he is, the position he is in. It could be him doing something for you, or an action toward you. Stubborn men like him rarely say ‘I’m Sorry’ so plainly.” She said and rubbed your arm. “You seem to have great experience with men like him.” You said with a humorless laugh. She chuckled releasing you. “My husband was like him. I think he’d only apologized once in his life.” You looked over to the now quiet Beca who seemed to be swimming in the past. You gave her the moment and continued to sip the tea. As you sat you focused on your feelings. You felt angry, sad, afraid, and surprisingly you longed to see him. You wondered how many of these emotions were yours, and how many of them were Kylos. From what you could gather the force bond seemed to allow heightened emotions and focused thoughts to transfer between you. 

After some time she started and looked over to you. “Oh stars. That’s the curse of getting older. We find the past much more pleasant than the future.” She waved her hand and drank the last of her tea. You set your near empty cup on the small coffee table in front of you and smiled at Beca. “I appreciate you listening to me. My mothers wonderful but you’re more knowledgeable on the person of interest.” You said feeling somewhat guilty that you’ve put Beca into your affairs, and for continuing to discuss it despite what Kylo had warned. Beca squeezed your shoulder before you both stood. “I'm no expert but I’ve seen many angry men in my time.” She walked with you towards her door and gave you a loving tight hug. “It will make itself right if it is meant to be, and it must be for his cold heart to thaw this way.” She released you to her arms length to look you over. “You are a very wonderful woman, full of compassion, fire, and strength. Don’t ever forget who you are.” She said before releasing you. “I won’t.” You said with a smile and departed her unit. 

You spent the remainder of the day in your unit proofing the selections Kylo had made. Despite your accusation that he wouldn’t know who was qualified, he did a decent job. You worked until a page came through on your data pad. Your heart skipped a beat, and you tried not to hope foolishly for Kylos name. You clicked on the page and found it was from Kal. ‘Gonna make it?” You checked the time and sighed realizing you were already 5 minutes overdue for dinner with Kal and Terrac. You responded ‘Be there in 10 minutes.’ docked the pad and rose slowly into a stretch. “I’m such a wreck today.” You mumbled as you started towards mess hall two. 

As your feet carried you your mind strayed to Kylo again. You wondered what he was doing right now, and if he thought of you at all today. You contemplated for a moment before trying to speak to him again.  _ Please don’t ignore me Kylo. I’m sorry for what I said, I was just upset. We all get angry. I don’t like this.  _ You had tried, unsure of how to actually speak to him other than focusing on your words in your mind as if you were talking to him in front of you, but it felt like you were just speaking to yourself. You sighed trying to break the heavy feeling from your chest as you stopped off to the side of the mess hall's open doors. You took a shuddering breath in trying to push down the tumbling thoughts in your mind.  _ He wants nothing to do with me. It was just a mistake.  _ You shook your head clenching and unclenching your fists in an effort to get control over yourself. “It is what it is. You can’t do anything right now.” You focused on your breathing as you began to clear your mind. After a few cycles you felt your emotions pull back allowing you to find a cool composure. You walked into the mess hall scanning the nearly empty room and spotted Kal sitting alone in the corner and headed over to him.

“There you are.” He said motioning to a seat with a tray in front of it. You noted that despite claiming Terrac was coming, there wasn’t another food tray present. You sat down across from him and nodded your head to an empty chair. “So. . . Terrac?” You asked, lifting your fork. Kal shrugged casually as he began to prod at his food. “Said he didn’t feel good.” He said casually. You both ate in relative silence as you considered the situation. Here you were eating alone with the far from hideous Kal. You wondered how Kylo would react if he knew. “So. How was the rest of your day?” Kal asked, pushing his empty tray to the side. You shrugged. “Not terrible. I visited my friend, then did ridiculous amounts of paperwork. Now I’m here.” Kal smiled. “Thrilling. Anything to do with the new mission briefings we received this morning?” You eyed him with a raised eyebrow and finally shrugged. “Just crew selections.” You leaned back in your chair and turned to put your legs on the seat next to you. “ Any plans for tomorrow?” Kal was smiling warmly once again. “ I have a meeting with my mother. And then I’m not completely sure. It depends on what my mother or my friend wants to do with the small amounts of free time I have.” You smiled trying to imagine Kylo wanting to do anything on the planet. The vision of him frolicking through the woods made you laugh softly. “What?” Kal asked grinning. 

“I was just thinking of something stupid. It’s nothing.” You said waving your hand. Kal laughed a little finding your own contagious. “Seriously though, where are you from?” He asked before taking a drink. “It’s a small planet just on the edge of the First Order territory, or at least it is now. When I lived there it wasn’t. We called it Taiwa. It’s an arboreal planet, similar to the planet we’re visiting tomorrow. We export a lot of agriculture, manufacturing, and we had a large shipping outfit.” In your mind you could see the mountains in the distance from your home outside of the city, the rolling forested hills, and the city seemingly pouring out of the side of a mountain and spilling across half of the valley floor. “Had? What happened?” You came out of your daydream to look at Kal. “The First Order. They seized our shipping company assets, including the shipping yards. They use it now as a very small base.” Kal was examining you quietly for a moment before he asked “It was yours?” You shrugged. “Sort of, my father owned it, but when he passed, I took over handling it. My mother didn’t understand everything that went on with the business.” 

You fiddled with your fork looking down at your hand as you did it. You didn’t like thinking about this part of your life. “I’m sorry. . .” Kals voice was so tender and warm you peeked up to see a compassionate soft look on his face. It was so easy for him to apologize and mean it. “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s better this way. My mother lives on Coruscant now and makes a very good living. I make an excellent living. Everybody wins.” You said smiling some. Another warm smile crossed Kal’s face. “If you say so.” You cocked your head hearing a funny tone in his voice. “What do you mean by that?” You asked, pointing your fork at him. He laughed and held his hands up. “Are you going to stab me with a fork if I decline to answer?” He asked, wiggling his eyebrows. You snorted and flipped the fork in your fingers. “Maybe. So. What do you mean by if I say so. You don’t believe me?” You asked, leaning forward some. He shrugged and reached back fiddling with the elastic in his hair. 

“You’re trapped in a steel box. You’re used to space, freedom. I can see that you’re a little wild, like a ruping. They’ve harnessed that for war but you still keep it in your spirit.” You blinked some feeling dizzy from his words and the fact that he pulled the elastic from his hair. The wavy locks spilled out and framed his face. He ran his fingers through it before pulling it over to one side. You weren’t used to a man speaking to you with respect, and flattery like this. “I see.” You answered in an oddly Kylo fashion. “And you’re from?” You asked, setting the fork on the table. Kal shifted some in his seat slightly uncomfortable and reached up to twirl a piece of his hair. “Uhh. . . well.” He let out a nervous chuckle. “. . . Mandalore.” He mumbled, bouncing his legs now. You snorted. “I'm sorry. You’re a mandalorian?” You said unbelieving. 

He shrugged. “That’s what they say. But you know Mandalore has been a training facility since like the Galactic Empire.” Kal said with a shrug. You shook your head. “I didn’t think mandalorians existed anymore.” You said, impressed. He looked down at the table dropping his hand from his hair. “Not really no. There’s very few. I don’t know why we even call ourselves mandalorians to be honest.” He said with an embarrassed tone. “. . . Because It’s cool as shit. That’s why.” You flicked a vegetable off your plate at him and he looked up surprised. You grinned. “It’s cool Kal. Don’t be embarrassed, be proud of it. You’re from a warrior race. I bet you could cut a fly in half with your pinky in a sandstorm.” Kal laughed and scratched his head. “I’m glad you think so.” You couldn’t help but laugh with him, feeling more at ease around him now. His warmth was infectious despite the awkwardness of sharing a meal privately. 

“Did you learn any mandalorian fighting techniques?” You had heard of the legendary battle prowess of the mandalorians and thought it strange that they would have Kal guarding a door instead of spec ops if he had. Kal looked around the room and leaned forward. Intrigued you leaned toward him. He glanced over one more time to the room before looking at you with a dramatized seriousness. “They taught me pehea at gotal'ur shuner.” You looked at him suspiciously, liking the way his voice sounded when he spoke mando’a. “What is that. . . some sort of hand to hand?” Kal shook his head. “Much more deadly. It’s the art of making bread.” He said and raised his eyebrows as if he was in shock. You snort-laughed and leaned back. “You’re an idiot.” You said as you both dissolve into laughter. 

Kal crossed his arms over his broad chest, and slowly tried to control himself. “You have to admit, I had you there.” He said, struggling to keep his words coherent. You covered your face with your hands. “My ass you had me. I knew something was up, you are a terrible awful liar.” You said muffling giggles now. You lowered your arms to the table as you regained a grinning sense of composure and leaned on them. “Why the hell are you a door guard Kal?” He shrugged. “I make an excellent and imposing figure wouldn’t you say? No ones going to try to break into the bridge with a giant in the way.” You glance over him mentally concurring but your mouth has other plans. “Whatever you say, bucket head.” Kal tilted his head, raising his eyebrows. “Oh, you think you could get in there?” You nodded and pointed at the rank on your flight suit. “Oh yeah, very easily. I could make you cut your hair too.” You said shooting him a sarcastic authoritative gaze. 

He scoffed. “Take that rank of little girl and we’ll see.” You cocked an eyebrow at him. “100 credits I get into your stupid door, no rank.” You said sticking your hand out. Kal stared at your hand before taking it in his own in a slow shake. “Very well. We can’t settle this at the bridge door. So where are we going?” His voice became slightly serious as he held your handshake in his hand over the table. “. . . There's an officers training room, we can go there now. With luck it will be empty so no one will witness you get your ass handed to you by a girl.” You said, looking at your hand grasped in his own large warm one. You pulled your hand away and stood as Kall did. “Fine. Lets go.” He said starting towards the door. 

You both walked in contemplative silence, occasionally glancing at the other to measure up your opponent. Every time you caught each other looking over you both couldn’t help but laugh. Being with Kal was like being with Kris, only different somehow. Normally you were the one that had to look out for Kris, but with Kal you felt blaster proof. It reminded you of a way you felt as a child back home. The memory of running through the woods with a dark haired boy flashed in your mind. As a child he had been one of your numerous playmates, but just like now, he made you feel immortal. There had been something about that boy and you that just made sense. As if you two had always been friends, and always would be.  _ What was his name. B something. Banna? Bill? Bil Sillen? Bantha Sillen. Oh screw it.’  _ You thought as you walked down the hallway with Kal towards the exercise room doors.  _ Screw it, Jacen.  _ You thought, giving up on trying to remember his actual name, and settled on his nickname. 

You felt a sharp pain like a threatening migraine as you reached the exercise door pad. You put in your code to open it with one hand as you massage your forehead. “Oh, starting your elegant, and carefully planned, decline to combat early are we?” Kal teased and followed you into the room. “No. Not at all. I just had a sudden headache but. . . it’s just gone now.” You said feeling slightly foggy with a small pressure in your head as you focused on picking a room. “Weird.” Kal said following you to an unoccupied training room. You punched the code in again and walked into the room ahead of Kal. The door closed behind you bothe, and you took a few steps away from it. You rolled your neck turning to face Kal in an effort to try and clear the feeling from your head. You started lightly stretching as Kal took his position at the door, and began box breathing. As you focused on your breathing your head began to abate somewhat. “So. A few ground rules. No punches to the face, no intentional breaks, no groin shots, and no grabs if you know what I mean.” You said motioning at your chest. Kal snickered and shook his head. “I will do my best to resist the urge to incur your wrath.” He said, taking a guards position to the side of the door. 

You took one last controlled breath in and on the exhale reached up pulling your rank off your chest. You flung the badge at Kals face and lunged forward. As Kals hand went up to bat the rank out of there air in surprise, you grabbed the front of his shirt. His free hand reached up grabbing your wrist as you started to yank him forward. You shot your other free hand out towards his neck as you leaned backwards, and like lightning his other hand shot out grabbing your wrist. Trying to rip Kal off balance was like trying to rip a tree down. Kal laughed, seeming to hold your there effortlessly. You glared at him and jumped off of the ground and drop kicked him. Your feet struck both of his hips and he let out a pained grunt as his body slammed back into the wall. You hit the gym mat, braced for the impact to try and steal the breath from your lungs. You kicked your legs as you rocked forward to regain your footing in a crouch. 

Kal pushed himself off of the wall with a serious predatory gaze in his eyes and planted his feet defensively. “That hurt.” He said glancing down at his now torn shirt. “It’s a fight princess. Not a waltz.” You said before standing. He chuckled darkly and then launched himself forward. You tried to dive under his reach, but felt his elbow connect with your back as his weight fell on top of you. You rolled, pushing and kicking off of the mat as hard as you could, as Kal tried to reposition himself over you to grab your arms. As you faced him he grabbed at your forearms. You snapped your head forward, connecting with his cheekbone. Pain blurred your vision for a moment as your forehead screamed in protest. Kals hand went instinctively to his cheek and the other struggled to hold onto your forearm. “FUCK!” He yelled in pain. You twisted your arm in a circle, breaking his hold, and then wrapped your arm around the opposite side of Kals neck. Kal reached up trying to pull your arm off as you viciously yanked his neck into a hold under your armpit. You kicked and rolled with your feet, using Kals neck as leverage, to force him to roll with you. You let him go when he was under you, and rolled again until you were face down on the mat. You scrambled going towards the door but felt Kals hand clamp down on your boots ankle. You turned on your hands and knees to look at him, and saw his cheek bleeding. “Ooops.” You said sarcastically and laughed some. He growled and rolled on his side, struggling to keep a hold of your leg as you started trying to yank it from the vice like grip.

“This isn't personal.” He said as he got to his knees. He fought against your kicks and struggles, grabbing your other ankle in his other hand, and with a sharp jerk, pulled you backwards toward him with each of your legs on either side of his thighs. He grabbed the flight suit belt and lifted you slightly in the air with one hand, and the other shot down to your hair. Your hands instinctively went up to try and grab the hand in your hair, but before you could get purchase you were yanked upwards against his hips backwards, then he slammed you face down into the mat. You gasped for breath as you tried to blink black stars from your eyes. You rolled over but before you could start fighting again there was an incredible weight on top of you, holding your arms against the mat. You struggled against the hold on your wrists, and as the stars cleared you were looking up into Kals face hovering over your own. His wavy honey brown hair was framing his face, and the red blood contrasted sharply with his glittering green eyes. A drop of blood fell, splattering on your cheek, and then started to run down. 

You didn’t know your heart could beat any harder than it had been when you were trying to kick his ass, but it did. You could feel it anxiously hitting your ribcage as you gazed up those fascinating green eyes, that strong face, the broad shoulders. You looked to the side as another droplet of blood hit your cheek. “Giving up?” He asked in almost a whisper. You turned your head to look back up at him, calculating your options. “No.” You said defiantly as you tried to wiggle your wrists in his hands. He smiled some looking at the blood on your face and then looked at your mouth. “Fine.” He said, starting to lower his face towards yours. Instinctively you jerked your leg, causing your knee to connect to his groin. You didn't have enough power to seriously hurt him, but the ‘love tap’ was enough to cause his body to clench immediately letting our wrists go. He rolled off of you grabbing at himself. Without missing a beat you rolled and bolted towards the door. You hit the keypad, causing the doors to open and turned to look down at the quietly swearing in mando’a Kal. 

“Told you.” You said bending over to grab your rank. “You’re a filthy cheat. A face shot and a groin.” He said with a groan. You shrugged, fixing the rank back on your flight suit. “Yeah. So I won't hold you to the credits. . . and this never happened.” You said watching Kal slowly sit up on the floor. He ran and hand through his hair contemplatively. “Never happened?” He said, raising an eyebrow. You nodded wanting to not bring up Kals pass on the mat at you. Kal grunted in response and slowly stood. “If that’s what you want, then fine.” He said uncharacteristically disheartened. “But. If you change your mind. . . “He trailed off as he wiped the back of his hand across the split open cheek with a wince. You shook your head. “Im seeing someone.” You said turning your back on him. “And I need to go. I have a busy day tomorrow. . . Thanks for dinner. I had a good time.” You said wanting to leave, but at the same time wanting to stay with him awhile longer. Kal shuffled behind you, and then walked up to stand next to you. “It was great.” You looked over next to him and saw his usual warm smile reappearing. You smiled back and reached up to put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. “Night Kal.” Kal nodded his head to you and remained where he was as you left the gym. 

You showered as soon as you got back to your unit, and then crawled into your bed. Before falling asleep you checked the communicator again. It was still message less. You sighed wondering if you would meet Kylo in the hanger, or if you would meet him at the hotel. As you laid in your bed thinking, you slowly drifted to sleep. 


	9. Liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've been running from my demons  
> Afraid to look behind  
> I've been running from myself  
> Afraid of what I'd find  
> But how am I supposed to love you  
> When I don't love who I am?  
> And how can I give you all of me  
> When I'm only half a man?  
> 'Cause I'm a sinking ship that's burning  
> So let go of my hand  
> Oh, how can I give you all of me  
> When I'm only half a man?"  
>  Half a man-Dean Lewis

" Carry on Wayward Son" - Neoni

"Half a Man" -Dean Lewis

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I want to apologize in advance for any tears that are shed during this chapter. I know I cried a little at the end. <3

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You slept until your data pad chimes woke you. You stretched in the bed and sleepily looked over to the empty space beside you. You wondered if Kylo was already awake, and if he was thinking of you now as well. You sat up and turned the data pads alarm of pondering about the day ahead. Kylo had said that you would meet at Dezahls Inn at noon, and you felt a slight apprehension at seeing him again. As you got ready for the day you wondered what he would wear. You couldn’t imagine Kylo would try to dress in a way to blend with the locals.  _ What if he brings knights?  _ You mulled the option over as you brushed out your hair. 

You decided to leave it down and natural as you went to your closet. You dressed in your black knee high boots, a gray linen tank top, and your normal shore leave black leather jacket that came down to your knees. The leather was scuffed in quite a few places, the tail of the coat had a few blaster holes in it, the shoulder on the right side had gunmetal gray metal industrial staples keeping the ripped seam attached, there was rough black cord stitching repairing random leather tears, but the black leather hood was the only thing on it that seemed intact. Your jacket had taken quite a beating from that terrible time on P29, when things went sideways on shore leave. 

You thought about the rebels' attempt to take the First Orders newly established station on the planet and the fighting that had ensued. You hadn’t been prepared during a night of drinking and enjoying your free time with your squadron when the blaster fire and explosions started. You spent the remainder of the night and most of the next day fighting through the city towards the station, wading your way through bloody uncertainty in streets littered with debris with no communication with the First Order. Some of it was building materials bombed away from their structure, and some were soldiers from both sides frozen in their final acts. You remembered the feeling of relief and then terror as your own pilots began bombing you in the streets, mistaking you for the enemy, as you drew closer to the base. You shook your head as if to shake out the thoughts of the battle from your mind. 

You pulled out your distressed black gloves sliding them on and then put your pistol holster, and pistol on. You took your ID card and slid it into your jacket's inner pocket and checked yourself in the mirror. You adjusted the holdster to try and conceal the pistol better within the long jackets folds. You reached into both of your jacket pockets, finding your transparisteel knuckle dusters still where you had left them. Comforted in the knowledge that you would be never caught off guard again you looked at your face in the mirror. 

You tilted your head touching your face gently and then went to the bathroom. You rummaged through the scant makeup you owned and settled for putting on mascara, eyeliner, and a very gentle red lip tint. You examined your face wondering if this was trying too hard and then shrugged. “I wear makeup everyday anyway. . . what's a little touch more. . . It’s my day off anyway.” You said trying to convince yourself that you weren’t trying to catch Kylos attention. You picked up your communicator, shoved the communicator earpiece in your ear, and went to breakfast. 

You ate leisurely, contemplating on the days coming events. You weren’t sure what to expect between Kylo and your mother. Normally when you saw each other it was in the Taiwa custom to take things very leisurely. There was usually a greeting tea, snacks, talking, a nice walk, before a more formal meal, and then drinks and discussions. You doubted that Kylo would have the patience for something like that, but then again he was a man that was full of surprises. You wondered how he would receive your mother. She likes to dress as if she was a senator or queen. The Taiwa humble garb was lost on her for as long as you could remember. She had a great love for fabrics, and the artform of seamstress work. Your mother was always drawing and cutting fabric, commanding her machines like a great general to spin up wonders. 

You finished your lazy breakfast and disposed of your tray before checking the time on the communicator. You were a little early but shrugged. “Better to be early.” You said to yourself as you headed to the departure bay. When you arrived you pulled your ID badge from your cloak and stepped in line with everyone else. You stood patiently as the line crawled forward until you finally reached the officer scanning ID’s. He took your ID and then laughed softly. “Wing Commander _____, you don’t have to wait in line. You could have scheduled a transport to save time.” You smiled some and shrugged. “I don’t like that. It’s not an emergency, I shouldn’t get special treatment and hold up a transport for myself when it could take so many others. I’ll ride with the crew.” You said taking your ID back and putting it into the inside of your cloak. The officer nodded and looked behind you and then back at you. “You have no escorts?” He asked, confused. You raised an eyebrow. “No. . . “ He rubbed the back of his neck looking at the data pad nervously. “Well. . . First Order regs state that Command tier and above must be accompanied when on ship to surface on non First Order planets.” You frowned trying to think and then shrugged. “My escorts on the surface. Commander Ren is expecting me.” You said with as much annoyed authority as you could muster. 

The officer flushed and nodded. “I apologize, Wing Commander. I didn’t realize. It’s my mistake. Please, have a safe visit.” You nodded and walked towards a loading AAL. You positioned yourself by the flight cabin and held onto one of the handrails inside. You liked flying, when you were a pilot and could see the sky, but being put in a cage with no control made your skin crawl. You closed your eyes and focused on your memories of home to soothe yourself. As the AAL journeyed to the planet you were running through the fields of Taiwa near the shipping yards. You were giggling and shoving yourself through the tall grasses as you chased someone else. You had loved playing here on the outer edges as a child with your friend. The sound of the incoming ships and seeing their forms grow larger and larger always amazed you. Then you were swimming in one of the slow moving rivers by your home. The water was never too cold during the summer. The taste of the water on your lips always made you think of the moon, how it was so cool and pure. You loved to walk the smooth stone shores looking at all of the stones that had been tumbled smooth with time. You had made a game with your friend to leap from the larger ones to the next without touching the ground.

Before you knew it the AAL had set down with a jostling that roused you from your daydreams. You waited as the ramp dropped and people started to shuffle out before following them out. The First Order shipping yards were located in the middle of a large field similar to the ones your family had owned back home. The planet itself was green and full of life as it was during its spring. You smiled seeing some patches of flowers far off on the edges of the yards and then spotted a row of speeders for hire. You pulled your hood up to shade your eyes from the cheerful sun, and made your way to one. “Where to?” The driver asked gruffly. “Do you know Dezals Inn?” You asked unsure yourself of where and what it was. The driver snorted. “All the way on the edge of the city. It’ll cost.” He said holding out a pad. You shrugged and pulled your earpiece out and pressed it to the surface to pay him. “That’s fine.” You climbed into the speeders passenger seat and settled in for the ride. 

The beginning of the ride was rather quiet and you enjoyed the short trek through a gentle forest that thinned and eventually gave way to a small bustling city. The driver was definitely taking the pricier scenic route as you wove your way through streets letting you take in a bustling foot traffic market below, a higher end shopping multi story complex, a few government buildings you assumed from their serious look, restaurants, apartment buildings, and the beautiful rivers that cut through the city. 

“So, Dezals huh?” The driver asked. You looked over to him curious. “Yeah. Why?” You sensed in his tone something you didn’t like. “Oh, well. It’s just that the place is a little shady for someone like you isn’t it?” He asked, giving you a quick once over glance.  _ He thinks i’m just some little girl. _ You thought it was annoying. “I’m sure I’ve been to worse, but you can try to convince me. What’s so shitty about it?” You asked. The driver chuckled hearing you swear. “Well, bounty hunters, thugs, cheats, thiefs, gambling, and there's rumor of rebel activity there as well. All of the fun stuff huh?” You scoffed and crossed your arms trying to keep your temper in control. “Yeah. Fucking great. I’m meeting my mother there.” You said irritated. “What place in town would you recommend for lodging. Somewhere nice within walking distance to food and shopping?” You asked, planning to get your mother out of there as soon as you arrived. Kylo had really lost his mind asking your mother there. “Krisiv tower. It’s one of the nicest places here.” The driver said as you started into a more run down area of the city. 

You nodded and kept quiet as you watched the city become older, darker, until you stopped in front of a run down Inn that seemed to be fighting to stay out of the clutched of the landscaping around it. “Thanks.” You said climbing out. “No problem lady. Hey, if you need me I’m Zeik. I’ve got my page linked on your communicator, just ask away and i’ll find you.” Zeik shot you a wave before taking off. You turned looking up at the multi floored in and then slowly walked to the door. 

You pulled out the communicator seeing that you were 10 minutes early and then put it away as you stepped through the doorway. Inside there was light filtering through windows in an almost pleasantly warm manner. The room looked almost like a bar anywhere with the exception of a registration desk off to the side. “Charming.” you mumbled as you walked to the bar that was seated between two staircases. “What's your drink?” The bartender asked as you sat down. “Something not too strong, and not sour either.” You said pulling your earpiece out of your ear for payment. You replaced it once it was scanned and turned to look out over the bar room again. There were tables scattered randomly throughout the floor, most of them occupied, and along the walls there were booths tucked away. You lazily started looking from one booth to the other when you stopped dead on a man in one. You blinked realizing that the man in that booth was Kylo staring directly back at you with his usual intense and mysterious stares. Kylo wasn’t wearing his helmet today, nor any of his usual attire. He rose and began to walk towards you slowly, presumably to not draw attention to himself, but watching his body move with that much care was torturous. He was wearing a black linen undershirt, a black long sleeve jacket that came to his waist, with a long flowing black linen sleeveless cloak over it, black fitted jeans, with black knee high boots. You spied a black leather belt around his waist and knew he had his lightsaber.

You turned to look up at him as he stopped at the seat next to yours. “May I?” He asked emotionlessly and gestured at the stool. You nodded still shocked to see him out in public dressed this way, even though it was his usual all black it jarred you. He took a seat facing the bar, turned towards you slightly, and rested one foot on the bottom chair rung. “. . . About what I said to you. How I acted, I really am sorry. I acted like a brat and I shouldn’t have been such a bitch. I should have spoken to you like an adult instead of raving at you like that and just told you how stupid I felt and how it made me feel when you did that but I just lost my temper so quickly and-” your ramblings were cut off by Kylo raising a hand in the air in a motion to stop. The bartender returned with your drink and then looked to Kylo. He pointed at your drink and then raised one finger in the air. The bartender departed again and you nervously nibbled your lip. “It’s in the past.” He said, looking to your face once more. His expression was difficult for you to decipher, but he was definitely guarding himself. You couldn’t feel anything from him that you could tell. 

“It was yesterday. That’s hardly the past.” You said as you turned around again to face the bar. You picked up your drink to take an experimental small sip. It tasted fruity and sweet, but like a watered down cheap punch. You took a few swallows and set it down. “That would qualify as past experiences.” He said somewhat rudely and then took his drink. He held out his own earpiece to pay and then left the drink on the bar. You nibbled your lip again and then looked at him. “. . . Am I the past?” You knew you shouldn’t pressure him but this disconnection between you was unsettling. He clenched his fist as a look of pain drifted through his eyes and his eye twitched. “No. Did I not tell you that you were mine?” His voice was just above a whisper indicating that even here in this remote corner of a strange city he still wanted to keep you hidden from the world. 

“Yes.” You whispered. “Yes.” he echoed looking at you for a moment before his eyes fell on your lips with an intense thoughtful gaze. You felt a flush cross your face as you picked up your drink. “How can you do that?” Kylo twisted his drink on top of the bar. “What?” He asked, watching the drink move. “I don’t know. It’s like you have this incredible affect on me.” You were matching his hushed whisper now.

Kylo slid the drink to the side, apparently not a drinker, and then turned so that he was facing the rest of the bar. He slowly examined the people in the room. “I don’t have an answer for that.” Kylos voice seemed to have a hint of amusement in it and you smiled a tiny bit. “Oh, really?” Your questioning was sarcastic and received an almost sarcastic shoulder shrug in return with a small head tilt. You smiled more and turned to face the room with your drink in your opposite hand of him. You were delighted to see a small sense of his good nature, even if it was a sarcastic gesture. You looked over to Kylo, finding it difficult as usual to not gaze at him. “You know, you’re very handsome this way.” You whispered examining his position on the barstool. 

Even with the casual positioning of his body, one foot on the chairs rail again and the other long leg placed on the floor, he still exuded a sense of regal power. Kylo glanced at you out of the corner of his eye and then ran a hand through his hair. You finally sensed something and it was a gentle nervousness that was growing. Kylos hands were slowly clenching and relaxing in his lap as he continued searching the room.  _ What are you anxious about? _ You began to wonder if it worked until his voice seemed to whisper from the back of your head.  **_I told you that you would be disappointed, but I didn’t think it would happen so quickly._ ** You felt a lump in your throat threatening to take hold and picked up your drink to try and clear it. _ I judge you on how you make me feel.  _ **_And how is that?_ ** He asked and looked over to you with amber pools filled with an intense concentration. 

You smiled trying to soothe him.  _ Safe. Powerful. Excited. Affectionate.  _ With each word you projected experiences in your mind to accompany them. You in his arms after the accident, the experience of equality as your body were locked together, seeing the breakfast that he had delivered to your room, and the way it felt to speak to him without words through your bond. Kylos eyes softened some and he stood pulling you up with him by your upper arm. He walked quickly toward the stairs pulling you along beside him and then turned the corner, climbing halfway up the steps to ensure you were out of view before turning to look at you. Your heart was beating faster from concern, thinking from his quick demanding actions that you had angered him yet again. 

Kylos face was intense as he stared down into your face. “Thank you.” Kylo voice was deep and soft. He pulled you into his arms and against his chest. You could feel how tense he was as you wrapped your arms around his waist while letting your head nestle against his shoulder just like you had envisioned yesterday. You stood for a long moment holding each other before you turned your head to look up into his face only inches from yours. He stared down at you quietly as if you were a river that he was gauging the course of. You rose on your toes and gently kissed him. 

Kylo responded gently as his lips caressed your own with a thoughtful tenderness. His tongue danced across your lips, and you responded by parting your lips to taste him fully. He sighed into the kiss, and you felt the tension lessening some beneath your arms that were wrapped around his waist. Kylo's hand rose to cradle the side of your face in his hand and you enjoyed the familiar scent of leather and his citrus and sandalwood invading your senses. The kiss was one that said more than Kylo had revealed to you in his words. You could have lived in this moment for eternity, drowning in a haze of blooming affection and unspoken depths of the heart, but a familiar laugh broke the spell. Kylo quickly stepped away from you and instinctively scowled in the direction of the sound as you turned. 

Your mother was standing with two large bags clutched in her hands on the stairs landing below you bothe. She was wearing a floor length three quarter length silk gown that was dark red, with gold embroidery everywhere in floral patterns. Her silver streaked hair was piled on top of her head in an ornate bun and the gauzy red cloak she wore was delicately pinned to her shoulders. You smiled embarrassed at your compromised position and walked down the steps toward her. “Mama. Let me help you.” you said reaching out and taking each bag from her. She wrapped her arms around you once she was free of them kissing your cheeks. “I missed you so much my dear little girl.” Kylo came down the stairs and shockingly pulled the bags from your hands. 

Your mother looked at him with a twinkling happy smile and before you could react she grasped Kylos face in her hands causing him to flinch. “Oh my.” She said gazing over his face with a look of affection that left you speechless, and Kylo now glaring with an uncomfortable and uncertain gaze.  **_Make her stop._ ** He said staring at her with stormy eyes. You reached out and put a hand on your mother's shoulders. “Mom. Let's get to your room. I’m dying for your tea.” 

Your mother released Kylo and he looked to the side visibly trying to control his temper. She laughed again and then waved you both to follow as she began ascending the stairs. “I have a room at the very top, supposedly there is a balcony but we shall see.” Your mother was surprisingly quick and nimble as she climbed to the very top of the staircase ahead of you both. She chattered during your journey upwards about the flight she had chartered, the hot kettle she ordered to the room, and the food she ordered up as well. You stopped at a door at the top of the stairs and she pulled a card key from her dress pocket. “Well, lets see the damage.” Your mother's voice was still cheery and playful.  **_You must take after your father._ ** Kylo looked to you with an uneasy expression. You smiled some and shrugged. 

“I guess. I don’t know. My father was generally very happy, but very serious like you at times. The First Order training I suppose.” You said with a gentle shrug. Your mother turned as she swung the door open looking at you quizzically. “What?” She asked, confused by you speaking out loud. You raised your eyebrows feigning surprise. “What?” You asked, trying to hold your poker face. “You said something about your father. . . “ She said looking at Kylo now, the master of the poker face, then back to you. She was quiet for a moment as you could see her mind chewing over the events and then turned and went into the room. You followed her and smiled looking around. The room itself had natural earthen stone walls and floor design with mismatched rustic furniture everywhere, most of it wooden. The sitting area in the room had multiple sitting chairs, a fainting couch, and a couch surrounding a large circular table on a multicolored rug. The high ceiling had multiple pendant lights of varying geometric shapes with colorful stained glass lanterns over the lights. The far wall did in fact have two transparisteel doors that led out to what looked to be a very small balcony. The whole room was littered with random plants in varying containers, some seemed to even be old worn shipping crates. “Well. . . it’s actually beautiful in a way.” You said enjoying the warmth the room held. Kylo walked by you to set the bags on the floor by the couch and then walked to the windows beside the balcony doors to look out. You could tell that he was already beginning to brood, despite his back being to you. Your mother went to her bags and began rummaging in them as she spoke to you. 

“Well. They should have the kettle up any minute along with our food. I hope you don’t mind what I ordered for us. I’ll be honest some items I wasn’t too sure of what they were, but I was told by the desk attendant, if that's what they were, that they were excellent.” She paused in train of thought to rise holding a metal box in her hands. “This really is quite the adventure.” She said smiling and went to sit on the couch. “You live a very adventurous life dear.” You looked to your mother who was gesturing to the chair across from her and smiling still. You took a seat and cleared your throat to catch Kylos attention. He glanced over from his position before coming and taking the other chair. He sat somewhat stiffly in the seat and looked at your mother. “How do you know me?” He asked abruptly. Your mother tsked him and set the metal box on the table. “Too soon dear. I’d like to hear something first of my daughter's life as of late. And yours as well.” Her voice had a somewhat stern undertone to her cheerful one. 

Kylos hands clenched on the chair's armrests and he looked over to the window again. You slowly pulled your jacket off and laid it over the chairs back. “Well. . . There's not really much to tell. I do the same thing constantly, but Kris and I had a girls night recently. She threw a little party for me and she really went crazy with her makeover this time.” You said with a small laugh. You mom clapped her hands listening to you describe your outfit from that evening. As you spoke recounting your hair and clothes, you projected the image into your mind, hoping to distract Kylo from his current frustration. You could see his head turn to look at you as you told your mom how much you loved the dark lipstick and eyeshadow from that night. You felt waves of pleasure faintly passing through you from Kylo. “Honestly though, it was a nightmare to get off despite how great it looked. Other than that, there was the crash. . . “ You said feeling somewhat uncertain on what to say. 

Kylo looked to your mother, seemingly more calm and spoke up for you. “She collided with an enemy craft in an attempt to protect the First Order. Your daughter was promoted to Wing Commander in recognition for her outstanding dedication and bravery to the First Order.” You knew at this point that this was Kylos way of complimenting you. You couldn’t help but smile somewhat shyly and shrug. Your mother raised an eyebrow looking at him. “For the First Order?” She looked at you and then back to him. “And how exactly did Kylo Ren wind up in the medical bay with you?” There was a curious look in her eyes that told you she knew there was more. 

Kylo spoke up yet again for you. “Wing Commander _____ interceded in combat to assist me, causing the collision, so I would ensure she was being given the proper attention.” Your mother chuckled and shook her head as a knock sounded at the door. “Come in!” Your mother called. There was silence as two staff members delivered a tray with a hot tea kettle and cups with creamer and sugar, and another tray ladened with finger foods to the table and left. “Kylo, I’m old, but i’m not stupid. You sound like my husband when we had first started seeing one another. He was so official when he spoke about us to others, stars it was so amusing to see the military approach to love.” She opened the metal box revealing different packages of tea and began preparing a pot. Kylo tilted his head thoughtfully before speaking again. “You husband was First Order?” 

“Mhm. For quite some time before we became married. He didn’t leave until his retirement and then we had _____.” Kylo looked at you with an inquisitive look on his serious face. “What did he do?” You smirked and leaned forward to pick up a slice of an unknown fruit. “He was a squadron leader. A good one.” You said and popped it into your mouth. Kylo hmm’d softly and looked to the tea kettle as he brooded. “And so you chose to do this for your father?” His voice reflected his churning mind. “No. She was taken from me. Drafted as you call it, but still stolen. They knew she could already fly because of our business on Taiwa.” Kylos gaze shot up to your mom somewhat threateningly but he remained silent. 

Your mother returned his stare challengingly before finally smiling at him. “You are just the same at times.” She said with a laugh. You raised an eyebrow as you watched your mother begin to pour the tea. “Well, I’ll say it just this once and I won't embarrass you again. He seems much nicer _____ when he thinks he’s alone in your arms.” You felt your face flushing again and you took a cup from your mother and added cream and sugar to your tea. “Mom. . . Stop.” You said wishing you could die in this moment. “Yes.” Kylo added as he took a cup from your mother. “Gloves young man. It’s rude.” She said, shaking a finger. Kylo shot her a look, refusing to remove them. Your mother began to talk about her latest projects on coruscant as you watched Kylo from the corner of your eye. You were concerned with how much longer he would be able to keep his temper down, actually impressed he had made it this far without an outburst. 

You turned your head some to look at Kylo better as you noticed him smelling the vapors that were rising from the hot tea. His eyes took on a distant look as he was recalling a memory and then he took a gentle sip of the tea. His eyes closed and he took another longer drink of the tea. You fully turned your head in shock as a look of calm washed away the usual tension that haunted his face. You weren’t aware your mother had stopped speaking as you watched the cup start to shake some in his hand. His eyes opened staring down at the cup and he spoke up with a voice that sounded almost pained. “I know this tea. Why?” He looked to your mother and the tension began crawling across his face again. 

Your mother sipped her own examining him as she settled back in her chair. “I would make it for you when you came as a young boy. It's a blend from Taiwa.” She said softly. Your mind started turning trying to grasp what she was saying as you looked between her and Kylo. Klyo stared at the cup with a pained expression. “My father, why would he visit?” He asked darkly. Your mother shrugged and sipped her tea again. “Well. Your father was a Tie pilot, i’m sure you know that, and my husband served with him while he was still enlisted. They remained friends and Han would visit us when he could. I think my husband would use him as a shipping contractor or something. I’m not quite positive. Maybe it was ship repairs.” Your mother's voice trailed off near the end trying to think. 

“When.” His voice sounded tight. “When you were a very young boy. With your father Han Solo, Ben.” Kylo's hand released the cup letting it fall to the floor as he stood quickly. “That is not my name!” He hissed at your mother. You leaned forward slowly setting the cup on the table and flinched as his gaze went to you. “You knew about this didn’t you.” He snapped. His face had the look of a cornered angry animal and you slowly rose to your feet beneath it. “No. She doesn’t remember.” Your mother said leaning forward to pour him another cup of tea. “It’s not her fault. She was so young and so were you.” Kylo looked to her with his hands clenched tightly at his sides. “My parents are traitors. You’re a rebel traitor like my parents. I should have you arrested.” Fear gripped you for your mother as you looked at the man you cared for contorting himself into a dark and dangerous wounded thing. “No. I don’t choose sides at my age. I live a neutral life. What your parents do is none of my business. I haven't seen your father or mother since my husband died. I haven't seen you in fact since you were old enough to start your education. We were so far from you that you hadn’t the time to visit anymore. I remember _____ crying every time your father and uncle would arrive and you didn’t get off the falcon. It was heartbreaking.” She said with a sad tone. 

Kylo turned looking at you with somewhat of a betrayed look. “Do you remember this?” He asked, taking half a step toward you. You froze trying to wrack your brain. “You’re. . . Jacen?” You whispered. He turned his face away from you. “You liked to run through the grass and chase me. Sometimes we would run through the forests along the mountains and pretend we were training as Jedi’s, because that’s what you wanted to be. Like your uncle you said. And. . .“ You watched Kylo walk to the window and stared out with his back to you. His back was rising and falling with strained breaths. Thoughts started forming in your mind at quick flashes recalling more and more things as his voice would speak somewhere from the past in your memory. “You said that I was ok, for a ‘nobody’. When you were mean and made me cry you would hug me and tell me you didn’t really mean it, that I wasn’t nobody to you. You were my best friend.” You said in a soft confused voice. It was hard to remember much, and decipher what was starting to come forward like an avalanche in your mind.

Kylo slammed the base of his fist against the window, causing you and your mother to start. “Stop.” He said in a cracked voice. “Just stop. That boy is dead.” He said quietly. You shook your head and took a few steps toward him. Your mother spoke up behind you bothe in her tender loving tone. “Sweetheart. Ben is very much alive in Kylo now, as Kylo was always alive in Ben. Who we are grows with time and experience, but it never dies. You can strangle those traits and try to control them but we always carry them. The good, and the bad.” Kylo rested his forehead against the window next to his fist. “But you don’t know what I’ve done, what I’m becoming.” His voice cracked as he spoke from the strain. You closed the gap between yourself and Kylo and slowly reached a hand up as you spoke. “It’s ok. Please.” You said as your hand touched his shoulder.

Kylo whirled around and snatched your wrist in his hand. A wild anger was in his eyes as he stared down at you. “You’re a fool. Both of you. You are lying to yourselves. Do you KNOW, either of you, what happened to my uncle?” His voice now was low and dangerous. “Did my father tell you?!” He sneered looking at your mother. You looked at her and she sat remarkably calm. Your mother shook her head gently and slowly stood. She walked slowly toward Kylo and yourself. “No dear. I know what happened though, that’s why I’ve always worried. I want you to say it. You need to say it to start healing.” She said, stopping by his side. Kylo sneered at her and threw both of his hands palms outward towards you both. The force shoved you bothe away from him. You both stumbled backwards a few steps and your mother reached over to grab your arm to stop you from going to Kylo once again. His chest was heaving as he struggled to decide what he should do. Finally he balled his hands into fists and he held them at waist height, arms pressed to his sides, staring down at his fists.

“He tried to kill me. So I tore the building down on top of him.” He whispered hoarsely. “And then I ran to Master Snoke. The Jedi are a lie, he was a lie. I was sent there because my parents were afraid of me, and then they all betrayed me. I killed him. . . And I'll make them pay.” You covered your mouth with a hand and wrapped the other around yourself protectively. The thought of Kylo having to go through that, let alone anyone, made your stomach twist in knots. “Fuck Kylo.” You whispered as your mother rubbed your back, shushing you. “Yes. Fuck!” He spat snapping his head up to glare angrily at you. “What did you expect? I told you what I was. I will destroy my parents for what they are, what they’ve done. So yes, be appalled and recognize finally what I am.” The level of his rage was rising rapidly and you felt like you were being beaten down by it through your connection. 

Your mother released you taking a hesitant step forward. “Would you destroy my daughter, Ben?” Kylos head snapped to her and he raised a hand in the air in the familiar position. “ _ KYLO NO!”  _ You screamed in your mind and out loud. You tried to run forward to stop him from force choking your mother and his other hand shot up holding you where you were. You screamed at him again “KYLO STOP!” You yelled as you fought against an invisible wall. You turned to look over at your mother who seemed to be somewhat afraid but still breathing normally. He wasn’t strangling her, just holding her firmly in place by her throat. “Do  NOT call me Ben.” He moved to stand in front of both of you, staring quietly in anger at your mother before finally speaking. “If you were anyone else, just questioning it would make me destroy you.” As he spoke there were subtle twitches running through his face and hands as he tried to control the urge to start destroying everything around him. Your mother surprisingly smiled at him despite the awkward position. “Yes. Yes, I understand now.” She whispered. Kylo slowly released you both letting his hands fall to fists at his sides. 

The anger that was beating you down was calming, allowing you to try and find some emotional grounding. You were upset that he would do that to your mother, but surprised that it was only a loose hold and not intended to hurt her. You were angry that he would lash out at her that way. You were a mixture of emotions ranging from a need to comfort him and shock at his behavior. Kylo looked at you with a defensive glare, and you knew he was reading you as you could read the tide of emotions from him. He flinched and turned stalking toward the door. “Waite!” You said starting to follow after him. He ignored you as he violently struck the pad by the door. You looked frantically to your mother wanting to follow him to explain why you felt shocked and angry but didn’t want to leave your mother. She nodded motioning with her hands for you to go and you gave her a strained smile. Kylo stalked out of the room at pace just below a jog and you sprinted to the chair. You grabbed your jacket, throwing it on as you sprinted after him. 

“Kylo please.” You pleaded at his back as you followed his dizzyingly fast descent down the stairs. Despite the brace on your leg, you could feel a twinge of displeasure from your muscles as you pushed them to keep up with him. He didn't respond as he came to the ‘lobby’ of the inn and turned sharply to go to a door in the back. He exited the bar with you on his heels and started down a path leading into the woods behind the inn. “Don’t do this Kylo. Talk to me. I need you to just talk to me about what's wrong.” You pleaded as you struggled to keep up with him. “No.” He growled crossing the terrain swiftly. You scowled following him up a small rise and thinning trees. After a silence of climbing you reached the top slightly out of breath and could see a small clearing where his command ship was seated. “So you’re just going to leave.” You snapped at him. He stopped halfway down the other side of the rise and stood very still. “. . . leave me alone.” He said in a dark quiet voice. 

You braced yourself feeling a sense of warning in the air between you. “. . . No. I won’t. I’m never leaving you alone.” You said taking a hesitant step toward him. Kylo whirled around pulling his saber from his cloak as he turned. He ignited it and slashed at a tree as he completed his rotation to face you before pointing it at you. “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!” He roared at you. You felt your heart start hammering in fear as you to a tentative step toward Kylo. “No. You belong to me.” You said in the strongest voice you could muster. Kylos face began to twitch and before you could react his hand shot up and the force shoved you backwards hard enough to cause you to stagger backwards before tripping and landing on your back. He yelled in anger and turned wildly, slashing at the tree once more, then shot a hand out to rip stones from the landscape nearby with the force. Kylo's hand controlling the stones path snapped to the opposite side of his body causing the stones to shoot past him, narrowly missing his form, and violently slammed into the hillside like small bombs. You covered your face as dirt and small debri rained down. You could hear the saber crackling through the air and then the electric screaming at every impact on the vegetation around you. The smell of scorched earth and plants invaded your nostrils. 

You peeked from under your arm and watched Kylos body twisting and moving, taking his rage out on the world around him. You realized right now he was fighting demons you couldn’t see. All of his rage stemmed from the battle inside him. How he fought who he was and who he was becoming, he fought his own sadness, anxieties, isolations. You watched him move surprised to find yourself less afraid, and more understanding.  _ I'm here.  _ You thought standing slowly in the smoke and dust choking the air. Kylos movements started to slow, letting you know he could hear you.  _ I’m here no matter who you are. Whether you are Kylo, or Ben. Whoever you want to be today and tomorrow. I want the ugly, and the good. I'm not going to leave you, or hurt you. _ You walked towards him slowly as he stopped swinging and stood with the crackling saber at his side with his back to you. He was heaving from the effort of his actions. “I warned you. You would be disappointed. And I felt it.” You shook your head. “No. No Kylo stars no. I wasn’t disappointed. I was shocked by everything that was happening. I’ve never seen you so upset and it just caught me by surprise. That’s all.” Your voice was shaking from the intensity of the situation. He turned around glaring at you still and started to slowly shake his head. “You lie.” He whispered as he watched you approach. “If i’m lying, then stop wasting our time and kill me.” You said, stopping a few paces from him. 

Kylos eyes were surprised for a moment before they returned to anger. Kylo turned his lightsaber off. “You’re a fool.” He said turning and walking down the hill towards the command shuttle. This time there was no secret affection hidden in your pet name. You followed him towards it. “No, that’s it. Just no?” You said as the ramp to the ship dropped. He stomped up the ramp without a word and you followed. When you reached the top it started to close as the engines started. You grabbed his arm and yanked as hard as you could, causing him to spin around to face you. He growled grabbing handfuls of your coat and drove you backwards against the wall. He held you pinned there and yelled in anger in your face. You grabbed his wrists trying to pull his hands away. “I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE!” He yelled in your face. You shook your head, so angry tears were welling up in your eyes. “No.” You hissed staring at him. His eye twitched and he pressed you harder into the metal wall. 

“You are a traitor. Your family is nothing but traitors. You are nothing to me.” He said twisting the handfuls of leather jackets in his hands. You winced as the fabric under your arms started to cut in painfully. “Say it! Say you’ll leave me!” He hissed lightly bouncing you off of the wall. You let go of his hands and grabbed his face in your own. You tried to pull him down into a kiss but he shook his head violently from side to side and then yanked his head backwards away from your hands. “NO! No more.” He yelled and threw you to the side and to the ground. You grunted as you made impact with the floor and looked up at him. Tears slid down your face, splattering on the metal as you both stared at each other. “Stop it.” You whispered slowly starting to stand. Kylo swallowed hard and his eyes grew misty . Kylo's hand shot out towards you and the force shoved you backwards flat on your back. You could only crane your neck to look at him as tears of anger and sorrow rolled down your cheeks. “Don’t do this to us Kylo. Please.” You begged. Kylos eyes grew near tears as he glared at you. “There's no us anymore.” He said walking over to you. 

You watched as he kneeled by your pinned body, his outstretched hand going towards the side of your face. “Waite.” You said knowing that he was going to knock you unconscious. You laid on the floor staring up at Kylo as your heart felt like it was tearing into pieces. “Just wait.” You whispered as his hand touched the side of your face. “Kiss me. Please Kylo just kiss me.” Your voice was a desperate plea. Kylo leaned forward, placing his free hand on the ground beside your head. He stopped a few inches from your face and you watched as a tear fell from his amber eyes and fell with a soft splat on your cheek.  _ You’re beautiful. An angel. _ You thought numbly as he closed his eyes and pressed his lips to yours. The last thing you remember was the sound of his enraged tortured scream in your mind as everything went black. 


	10. Hear Me

"Stranger I've known you for so long. 

I found you lost with a compass in the fog. 

Stranger you know me too much. 

Illusionary self had not been touched, until you. 

Humming Hallelujah in the dark. 

Whispered poems leave you to be. 

Humming hallelujah in the night. 

The sun might rise, as sometimes does it fall." 

-Stranger by Katie Costello

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You could hear before you could see the sounds of a launch bay. The machines whirring, personal calling out. You laid on the cold floor of the loading area of the shuttle feeling the cold metal digging into your back. Your eyes fluttered open and then the emotional pain crashed over you. You looked around as your heart began to tear and you realized you were in the command shuttle, alone. You sat up hearing his voice in your mind screaming ‘LEAVE ME ALONE’. You covered your face with both hands and rubbed hard enough to see stars behind your eyelids.  _ Not here. We’re not doing this here. _ You thought stubbornly. With a shaky breath you slowly rose from the floor to stand. You peeked out of the ramps opening to see who was working before throwing your hood up and mustering a false air of confidence to stride down the ramp as if everything was fine.

You were walking quickly trying to keep the tears of anger and sorrow pushed down. Despite what had passed between you intimately with Kylo a few nights ago, he was pulling away from you. It made you want to destroy this ship, the First Order, Snoke, you wanted everything to burn. You wanted to hold Kylo in your arms until he realized you weren’t a traitor, that your anger at him was only momentary and solvable if he would only talk to you.  _ But these feelings of wanting to destroy what he stands for, that would make you a traitor wouldn’t it? Maybe he’s right. My feelings for him make me want to rip him away from this place that’s tearing him down. _ You jumped lost in your thoughts as a hand closed around your arm dragging you to a stop. You whirled around expecting to see Kylo, but was met with Kris’s sweet smiling face that quickly dissolved into concern. “Oh no baby, what happened?” She whispered stepping close and pulling you down into a hug. 

“ I messed up bad.” You whispered in her ear, cautious of who might be listening. You sniffled, feeling a heavy hot tear slide down your cheek, and your sinuses filled with a warning of an onslaught of a fresh row of sobs. Kris comfortingly Shhh’d you and rubbed your back. “My sweet baby girl. Oh my what a mess.” She cooed. “I’m going to go get something for us to sip on, and if you give me your badge, i’ll come to your unit. We can talk?” She said, pulling back to an arms length. You nodded, grateful now for Kris’s sweet forgiving nature. It was a dramatic change from her previous mood the last time you had seen each other. Kris gave you a quick peck on the cheek, took your badge, then bustled away to her shift supervisor. You weren’t worried about her getting out of work, all of the men wanted Kris, and she knew it. Sometimes it made you a little envious of her coveted status. You watched her smile, bat her eyes a little and pout before a bright grin lit up her face. She was truly beautiful in more than physical traits. She had a charming air about her and you wished you could be that persuasive.  _ He might have thought twice about what he’s doing. Maybe if I was perfect outside and in he would stay.  _ You looked to the ground as you shuffled back to your unit. 

Once you arrived you put your weapons away before stripping your earth soiled clothing. Kylo's fit had caused you to look as if you rolled around in a dust storm. You took a very quick shower, giving yourself no time to cry. As per your usual post shower ritual you wrapped yourself in a robe and piled your wet hair on top of your head just in time to hear your door page go off. You hurried to it and let a much more casual Kris in. She was wearing beige linen lounge pants, a white sweater, and sandals. You smiled, shaking your head. “You’re prettier than me even in pajamas. Shit.” You said shaking your head and leading her over to the couch. Kris snorted. “Not fucking likely. Have you even looked in a mirror? I”ve got eyelash extensions, makeup, colored hair, you. You’re straight up sexy the way you are. Relaxed. Natural. I wish I had your fierce sexy bad bitch take it or leave it vibe. You stop that right now. We’re all gorgeous in our own way.” She said setting a bag on the coffee table. 

You shrugged. “I guess. . . Just not pretty enough to get him to stay.” Kris sighed heavily as she pulled out a large sample cylinder, no doubt stolen from the lab, then two glasses. She opened the shimmering light peach colored liquid and poured it into the glasses. “It’s not about looks, girl. Sometimes they just don’t want to stay. Have you even asked him why he left?” You walked over sitting by her on the couch and took a glass from the table. “Sort of. . . I’d have to tell you the whole story.” You said feeling miserable already about reliving the experience. You spent the next half hour telling her about meeting your mother, the conversation, Kylos reactions, then his tantrum. You had to pause at recounting what he had said to you, finding it difficult to keep your tears at bay.

Kris listened patiently, waiting as you sipped the sweet and spicy liquid periodically to soothe yourself and remember details. Once you finished she sipped thoughtfully before speaking. “ I wasn’t aware that you knew Ben Solo previously. . . Or his parents for that matter.” She said, seeming far away. “. . . I mean. I was a kid. Trust me. He looks completely different.” Kris nodded. “I’m sure it was a shock for both of you, but probably worse for a sith.” You tilted your head confused. “Why is that worse?” Kylo had said that Snoke would want you destroyed, but you had just chalked that up to Snoke wanting Kylo fully dependent on him, and undistracted. 

Kris leaned back into the couch corner to look at you thoughtfully. “Well. . . Sith have no attachments. They kill their past, and the things that they love/loved. Not being at peace with the force, fighting against it, they believe that dissonance gives them power. You two seemed close as children, maybe too close. Now you’re even closer than you have ever been. He may grow to love you in time. If Snoke knows, he would encourage your death to empower Kylo. Even if he doesn’t use your childhood affections to strengthen Kylos bond with the dark side, he would use you as an example to the First Order. No affiliations past or present with Rebels will be tolerated. He’s trying to save you. . . which is. . . well. I mean. . . honestly incredible to me.” She said looking kind of surprised. 

You listened, realizing now the depth of Kylos fear for you. Kris leaned forward and you looked over to see a very serious look on her face. “You really want to fix this shit with this guy? Do you know what that could mean?” She asked with raised eyebrows looking very serious. “Yeah. I do.” You said reaching down and touching your leg thoughtfully. “I could die, might probably die honestly. That doesn’t worry me though, what it would do to Kylo is what worries me.” Kris looked down at your hand then back to you. “If you want my advice about this monster, you’re going to need to persuade me..” She said gazing down at her drink with a troubled look. Kris once again looked like a totally different person this way. She seemed like the commander, and you the subordinate now. It worried you some to see this new side of your best friend that you had never known was buried within her. If you weren’t so rattled by Kylo you would press her further on it. You looked down at your drink to watch the shimmering ribbons dancing through it as you considered what you knew of Kylo, and what you felt. 

“He’s not a monster. He’s isolated, plagued by anxiety and fear. He’s surrounded every day by people that only see the lashing out he does because of the anxiety, fear, isolation. That fear reinforces what he thinks about himself, burying that goodness deeper and deeper. People here are not his friends, they’re subordinates born of fear. All of this leads to depression. He’s wounded, wounded animals become dangerous when they think they are alone surrounded by people who wouldn’t save them if they were drowning. When he’s with me, I see some light in him. He healed me because I saved him. That didn’t feel like something a sith would do. He feels so warm and comfortable through our connection. There's affection and care there. His actions are so thoughtful. There is no Ben, there is no Kylo. There's a mixture now. He needs me. . . I need him too. . . I will risk myself over and over again until he sees himself the way I do.“ You finished quietly. 

You looked up to Kris and she was looking at you thoughtfully before smiling somewhat sadly. “You’re incredibly brave, and caring. . . but mostly you’re an idiot. And I love you for that. All of that.” You laughed nervously with Kris and settled into the couch. “You need to just say that to him. All of that. Tell him that you understand the risks, but it’s your life to risk for a cause you think is worth it. Make him hear you, really hear you and understand. Then let him process it. It may take him a few hours, or a few days. I don’t know him at all but he doesn’t handle pressure well, so don’t expect an immediate response. Just say your peace, then walk away.” Kris leaned forward and poured you both another drink. “Yeah. I just have to figure out how to get him to listen.” You said mostly to yourself. 

You both spent the rest of the afternoon getting properly drunk, before you sent her off back to her unit and crawled into your own bed. You laid under the warm bedding enjoying the dizzying effect the alcohol had on you and wiggled against the soft sheeting.  _ I wish he was here. _ You thought drunkenly, imagining you both curled against one another nude. You closed your eyes envisioning the scars over his skin, the fall of dark hair against his cheek, that intoxicating citrus and sandalwood that clings to him. You drifted to sleep faintly aware of the feeling of something brushing over your cheek and a whisper of something in your mind. 

You didn’t dream for the first part of the night, but in the early morning hours you were taken from the blackness to another world. You were standing in soft grass staring out over small huts scattered in a grassy valley. “This is a dream.” you mumbled starting to instinctively walk towards the buildings. From the doorway of one emerged the figure of a man walking quietly towards an adjacent building. You quickened your pace as a sinister feeling enveloped you. The sound of an igniting lightsaber cut through the ocean side night noises and you could see a green glow within the huts windows. You started running towards the building sensing something horrible, and something else.  _ KYLO.  _ Before you reached the building you saw a blue saber ignite and the sparking crackle of the blades connecting, and then the hut collapsed inward. You stopped at the edge of the rubble feeling a mixture of fear and confusion before you started yelling. “HELP!!! HELP!” You screamed starting to pull bricks and roofing materials away. There was a sudden shift in the rubble as someone much smaller shoved their way out from within and stood. The figure let out a roar of rage and pain and then covered their face in one hand. The wind blew gently causing a mess of familiar shaggy black hair to flutter. “. . . Kylo?” You whispered and struggled to climb over the rubble to reach him. 

Kylo straightened quickly and turned to face you with defensive wild eyes.  _ No. Not Kylo. He’s Ben here. Just a boy. _ “How is this possible?” His voice was strained with barely contained emotion. He reached out towards you grabbing your arms as you stumbled up to him. “I don’t know, I think I’m dreaming.” As you spoke you watched the very young Ben rapidly age into the man you knew today in a dizzying evolution. “No. This isn’t your dream.” He whispered searching your face with his still wild eyes. You slowly raised your hands up to hold his face in your hands. You brushed the fingers over the planes of his face slowly examining his face in this intense moment. The look he had was what you imagined many people saw before they died, but you weren’t feeling fear. You felt a draw to soothe it away. Kylo closed his eyes tightly, fighting once again within himself. “I have to protect you.”

You slid your hands from his face, to lace in his hair, happy to be able to be with him in this moment despite what was happening between you. “I know. I have so much to say to you. I want to speak with you awake. I need you to know how I feel about this, about you.” Kylo shook his head violently as he had on the ship and pulled his head away from your hands. “No. No. You need to get out of here. You need to get out of my head. Out of my life.” You shook your head looking up into his eyes as he opened them to look at you. “I can’t Kylo. I can’t leave you alone.” You tried to put your hands on his arms but Kylo shoved you backwards. 

You stumbled backwards, landing on the jagged surface of rubble with a painful grunt. Kylo covered his face to try and stifle the vortex of emotions that were filling him. “I’m not worth this.” He said and held a hand out to you. You screamed, feeling pain flood your head like a flash of lightning. 

The pain from your dream followed you into the real world and you woke as you sat bolt upright, now in your bed, gripping your screaming head. “FUCK!” You sat in the bed rubbing your temples until the pain faded completely before you rose. You soaked your face with a hot washcloth to steady yourself for the day before you donned a flight suit, baggy black cargo pants over it, black boots, then gathered your earpiece. You went into your office and sat down at your desk to quickly go through your morning duties. You spent the next hours toiling over documents, approving the flight reports from the previous day, answering messages, and verifying your presence for the next day's meeting. Near 12pm you rose gathering your belongings and left to go to the launch bay. You skipped the mess hall, deciding lunch with your mother a better plan, and jumped on the first AAL you could get loaded onto. 

The time riding to the surface, and riding in a speeder toward your mother's lodgings, was spent mulling over what you could actually do to convince Kylo to talk. You never knew where he was, and he had a tendency to just show up in the past.  _ Because he wanted to see me. He may be a ghost now. _ You thought miserably.  _ He will be at the mission meeting tomorrow, and if not then, I’m bound to see him on the command ship during that time.  _ The speeder stopped at the inn and you paid the driver before heading inside. You stopped in the ‘lobby’ to look at the bar where you and Kylo sat together the day before. The image of Kylo perched in such a careless yet regal way had flooded you with an unfamiliar level of affection for him that you had never known before. You tore your eyes away and continued your hike up the stairs to your mothers room.

Outside of your mother's door you took a moment to compose yourself before walking in. Your mother was sitting in the living room fussing with a dark pile of fabric. “Hello sweetie.” She said not looking up from her work. You took a seat across from her surveying the satin looking material. “New project, while on a vacation?” You questioned raising your eyebrows. Your mother chuckled. “Oh no, just a final touch, I found some lovely accents in the market yesterday and decided it needed a little something.” She said finishing her work, and setting the sewing supplies to the side. 

“I’m going to assume by your arrival alone after yesterday's storm that things are bad between you two?” You flinched some looking down at the floor as your mother rose and walked over to a travelling trunk that must have been delivered after your hasty exit yesterday. “He doesn’t want to see me anymore.” You said quietly. Your mother tsked loudly and didn’t turn as she opened the lid and moved items around. “He’ll come around. Don’t give up. He loves you.” A jolt ran through your body. “He most certainly does not.” You said shocked as your mother turned with your old beat up backpack from childhood. “Oh yes. He just doesn’t know it, or doesn’t want to yet. You love him too.” She said with a wink and took your arm to lead you to the front room. You frowned and fought back the frustration. “No, you’re wrong. I like him, but love is a stretch. I love you, and Kris. I love to fly. I don’t love someone i’ve just met.” You said trying to think of what you did know about him. All that came to mind was the depth of his pain, matching his depth of hidden warmth.

Your mother set your new belongings on a table by the door and motioned for you to follow her to an awaiting lunch in the living room. “You’ll figure it out. Let's not dwell and enjoy today.” Your mother said with a sweet smile. You returned the smile and served you both. 

The remainder of your visit passed by happily. You sat on your mother's balcony for an extended period of time listening to her talk about coruscant life. You had visited her once before, and found the city unnerving. She showed you holograms of some of her designs she was creating for ‘those soulless elite smug politicians and socialites’. Despite living a successful life there, your mother still had a sour taste in her mouth for the upper classes. You also talked of Kris along with work while you enjoyed a table top game from home. Your mother wound up defeating you at the very end of your visit. You sighed. “Well. . . there's that.” You said with a laugh as you sat back. “You’re getting better.” She said packing the game away. You shrugged looking to the clock. “I have the end of shift duties. . . “ You said you realized it was 6pm already.

Your mother rose smiling and walked toward the door with you. “I’m heading home the day after tomorrow in the afternoon. Will I see you before then?” She asked. You picked up the back, putting the strap over your shoulder. “I’m not sure mom. I’ll know more after my meeting tomorrow. It’s in the morning. I’ll let you know.” Your mother hugged you tightly. “Ok sweetheart.” She released you after kissing your cheek then walked you to her door. After another long hug with your mother you looked at her one last time before you made your way back to the shipyards, and onto an AAL with your rediscovered battered backpack. You took a seat in the corner on the floor away from the few scattered personal. You set the bag between your knees and opened it. Inside the bag you ruffled through hologram disks, papers, some trinkets, but stopped when your hand felt a piece of cloth. Something about it drew you, so you pulled it out fully and slowly unwrapped the cloth to see a necklace with a crystal on it.

The crystal was attached to what was obviously a hand forged metal base with a bale on the end for the cord. The stone itself was a soft orange hue. You took the pendant in your hands and rolled the stone between your fingers remembering how it had been your favorite necklace for so long. _ This was Bens’. . . He let me wear it when we were little. I lied and said I lost it and he was furious. _ You remembered the first time you had ever seen the signature Kylo deep rage flare up. The crystal had been a gift from his uncle Luke. You had never met him, but you had always thought you would have been afraid of the legendary jedi from the stern description Ben had painted. Kylo’s rage once confusing then, was understandable now from a place of fear and respect.

You remembered Ben discovering you had it on a later visit, to your surprise he gave it to you.  _ It’s a lightsaber crystal. A kyber. My uncle said that it’s not very good, but I like it. You can wear it while I'm away. . . I’ll get a better one anyway. I’m going to be a jedi. _ The young Ben's voice swam from the depths of your memory. He had seemed so proud of himself in that moment as you sat side by side in the woods, so close your shoulders were touching. You had always believed that he would become a Jedi, but are you still? You weren’t sure. He was such a vortex of rage, distrust, violence. All of these things were opposing forces to a jedi.  _ He’s still good. He’s just in a bad place. There’s still something there. I refuse to believe what everyone does about him.  _

You slid the crystal around your neck and let it rest on your chest of your slightly unzipped neckline. You rolled it between your fingers trying to recall more memories as the AAL completed its journey. Once at the ship you disembarked, walking through the bay toward the exit. You noted the que of new arriving crew members, and reassigned personnel leaving. The First Order wasted no time in this mission's preparations. You made your way through the hallways to the ship's lifts to wait patiently as you continued to fiddle with the crystal in your fingers. The ride up to your floor you were lost in swirling images of interactions with a much younger Ben. The lift finally hit your floor and the doors opened to the usual deserted hallway. You walked back to your unit and dove into your evening paperwork, then prepared for the meeting the next day. Before you knew it you had fallen asleep at your desk, laying across the surface on your arms, into a blissfully dreamless void. 

The next few weeks went by quickly. You saw Kylo at the pre-mission launch meeting in passing, and at progress meetings during the mission. The first few planets you had visited had no confrontations, but the next three had 2 minor skirmishes, and one major altercation. The locals had called the planet Tehar, and had not been willing to colonize with the First Order, or relinquish natural resources. From what you perceived aboard the command shuttle bridge. Kylo had taken the refusal poorly choosing to escalate his intimidation until the villagers attacked. A bloody battle ensued leaving no one left standing. When the ship landed to collect Kylo along with his intimidating band of knights you had stepped off to await his arrival. The village was reduced to burning rubble, the landscape strewn with corpses. You walked slowly to the body of a woman near your age and stood looking down at her face. It was frozen mid anguished scream as her lifeless eyes stared up into the sky. You sighed turning your gaze away to watch Kylo, flanked by his knights, walking toward the AAL. 

As if he could sense you, his head turned, staring at you as he stalked toward the ramp. Despite what had happened, you couldn’t help but feel affection looking upon him in his warrior mode. It made you feel proud, protected, and amorous. You wished you could be with him later to help disrobe and clean him as a show of affection. He turned his face away as his feet hit the ramp. With Kylo out of sight the spell was broken. With a last look at the carnage on the surface you joined your team in the command shuttle. 

The meeting after the altercation was the first time you discovered that yes, Hux in fact could be an even bigger dick than he already was. He placed blame on everyone, surprisingly, mostly on Kylo. You were sure that Kylo would force slam Hux as he nearly sprayed spittle in his rage filled rant. Instead you watched in a mixture of awe and shock as an artillery captain tried to back up Hux’s statements, then found themself ripped from their chair with a flick of Kylo's hand. Their body somersaulted in the air before slamming with their back against the ceiling over the ceiling. 

_ Fucking raw power.  _ You found yourself staring at Kylo, instead of the struggling man on the ceiling. “COMMANDER REN!!! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!” Hux screeched before falling into a speechless fuming silence. Kylo’s gaze moved slowly to look at you. You tilted your head calmly staring back realizing if you had the force you probably would have done the same thing with the heat of battle still skyrocketing through your veins. Kylo's hand lowered to the table causing the artillery captain to fall gracelessly and slam into the table. Everyone there jumped except you and Kylo. Hux dismissed lower personnel , requesting only the Admirals remain. You rose gathering your datapad and left the conference room. As you walked through the bridge toward the exit you glanced over your shoulder to see Kylo walking a comfortable distance behind you, seemingly staring at you as well. It was hard to determine because of his helmet so you turned your head forward and walked off of the bridge. You made your way through the halls, acutely aware of his footfalls behind you. You controlled your breathing, reminding yourself that it was logical that he would be going the same path as you toward the command units. 

You boarded the lift, noticing how personnel opted to wait as Kylo joined you, and pressed the command unit floors. You both rode in silence in the lift, staring straight ahead. Standing this close to him you could smell smoke, earth, sweat, the faint odor his saber gave off when it was used, and his natural sweat. It was the smell of danger, and you liked it, despite knowing better. You should feel bad because of what had happened on the planet, and somewhere you did, but the other part of you realized it didn’t have to go that way. Your planet had chosen the path of pacifism. The rewards for it was an increase in trade making your home planet prosper even if they had a stern military presence. 

The lift stopped letting the doors open and you walked out. You walked toward your unit, hearing Kylos steps not far behind you. You stopped at your unit door to turn and look at Kylo as you opened it. He stared down at you in an unreadable masked silence. Turning you stepped in and walked toward your office. Calmly you took a seat behind your desk, acting as if Kylo wasn’t there, and docked your data pad in it’s holder. Kylo circled your desk and went to the transparisteel behind your desk and stood looking out. You locked in once more and started looking through your messages, trying to ignore the sound of Kylo removing his helmet. You wanted to turn and look up at him, wondering if his hair was perfectly disheveled and framing that freckled face, but chose to remain occupied by your messages. You both remained in a calm silence until Kylo spoke. “You disembarked today.” His tone was flat and emotionless. You nodded. “Yes. I did.” You tapped away at the screen trying to respond to engagement reports coming in from squadron leaders. “And?” You paused staring at the screen and set your hands on the desk. “I’m not sure what you want me to say.” You hazard a glance over your shoulder to see his expression, but could only see his back with his helmet under his arm. 

You looked back to the screen beginning to type again. “I can still hear your thoughts when I’m close to you. The loud ones. I can feel you.” You felt heat crawling across your face despite his tense tone.  _ Is he trying to talk to me? _ You wondered and then tensed as your chair was turned around. Kylo had his hand on the back of the chair and was leaned slightly over you as the rotation finished to face him. He kept his hand on the back of the chair as he looked down at you. He released his helmet, which hovered in the air, and with a motion of his hand that had previously held it, it moved to glide down on your desk. “Yes.” You swallowed somewhat awkwardly trying to gather your racing thoughts. Kylo stared down at you in an obvious gesture for you to start. “. . . I know the reasons you were upset. I think.” You were careful to not offend him by assuming you knew everything about him. You knew he would be defensive in this moment. “Which is?” His amber eyes were staring down at you with a mild intensity, examining your face for any subtle emotions. “Snoke. The dark side. If you care for me, and destroy me it would make you stronger.” You looked past him and out of the window. “If I'm labeled a traitor, I set an example to the First Order. Either of these further the First Orders agenda. You’re trying to protect me.” Kylo released the chair back, and did something that caught you off guard. He lowered himself to the ground in front of you to sit on his legs and laid his head sideways onto your lap with his arms on either side of your legs. 

You held your hands up in surprise looking down at him. He was staring off with a brooding look on his face with his sweaty hair clinging to the sides of his face. You lowered your arms and slowly started to smooth strands of his wild locks away from his face. “Yes.” His voice was pained with a far away tone to it. You imagined he was thinking of your death. You chose to remain silent while you continued to push his hair away from his face. He needed this moment, so you would give it to him. You both sat that way for what seemed half an hour in contemplative silence. 

Eventually Kylo raised his head looking at you quietly before slowly rising. “I won’t come again.” He said running a hand through his hair. You rose and thought quietly before reaching up to the zipper on your neck. Kylos eyes went to your hand and a flash of confusion and desire flashed through your connection. “I can’t.” He whispered watching as you pulled the zipper down. “I know. It’s not that.” You said lowering it to your diaphragm to expose your black bra clad torso. You reached into the suit's opening and pulled Kylos glove out. 

Kylo stared at the glove in surprise and he slowly raised his hand to close around it and your hand grasping it. He looked to you with the most tender gaze you had ever seen. “How long?” He asked, pulling your hand against his chest. “Since the beginning.” Kylos mouth opened as if to say something and then he closed it, choosing to just look at you. “I wanted to also tell you that this is my choice, as much as it is yours. I can’t change how I feel about you. I can’t even explain fully what I feel for you. I’m choosing to wait for you, to fight for you. I belong to you and beside you. Just know that. Please.”

His face twisted into frustrated pain as he heard your words and saw the crystal. He released your hand to reach up and remove it carefully from your neck. You let him without a fight. “You understand that I have to take this.“ You weren’t sure if he was referring to the crystal or the pain of pushing you away. He closed his hand around it so tightly you could hear the leather of his gloves squeak. You nodded knowing that he was in a fragile place. Kylo looked to you one more time before he took his helmet from the desk. “You wanted to speak, and you have.” He said looking over to you. You nodded. “Thank you.” You said with a soft smile. Kylo stared at you again with his usual guarded gaze and you felt another emotion bleed through the connection. A struggle. You knew watching him leave your office that he had heard you. He would brood over this moment for days trying to fight what he wants versus what the first order wants. You prayed again silently that he would choose what gave him peace. 


	11. Voided Feelings

"Such is Your Destiny"- Glory Oath + Blood, Robert Leslie Bennett, Generdyn, Jaroslav Beck

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You felt Kylos missing presence in the next few weeks in the quiet moments. The moments when you woke before your alarm, in your office typing reports, eating alone in your quarters. You were isolating yourself now with your own complex feelings that grew daily. Kris had visited a few times to have dinner with you and approved of your last conversation with Kylo. “It is what it is now hun.” She said with a sad smile. You spent your ‘free time’ not neck deep in First Order paperwork in the athletic center strengthening your leg until blessedly the brace was returned to the medical bay, and you were able to dead run on the treadmills staring out at the expanse of space. You refrained from joining the patrol flights knowing the disapproval it would earn you from Hux, settling instead to visit Hux personally to deliver the reports every few days. 

Your visits seemed to at first annoy Hux, who had thought your presence unnecessary due to the efficient communication network of the first order, but now he seemed to appreciate the convenience mingled with human interaction. He had even commented upon your latest meaning that he wished “more people came in with the confidence and direction instead of sniveling in front of him.” His face had actually been graced with a mild amusement when you suggested cloning yourself. “I don’t need any more self destructive pilots. Even if they actually know how to do their job.” 

This evening you were sitting on the flight bay bridge reviewing the maintenance schedules with the engineering officers to ensure you had all of the craft necessary for the upcoming mission. “As long as the bombers are all in working order, we should be fine.” You said taking notes. The engineering officer began to speak but his voice became drowned out with yelling and cabin alarms. You slowly turned your head toward the sound as a feeling of fear washed over you.  _ This isn’t me. _ You thought as you shifted your eyes away from the officer in front of you to what seemed a window to somewhere else. You could see Kylo with Hux beside him and the hazy details of the interior cabin of a ship as if it was on the other side of a room. You knew that Kylo and Hux had left in the command shuttle the day before. Now something was going horribly wrong. You stood letting the datapad fall from your lap onto the floor. “Kylo.” You whispered in shock. His head snapped to the side to look directly at you as the ship began shaking violently.  _ They’re entering the atmosphere. They’re going to be torn apart. _ You thought numbly. Kylo looked ahead then back to you quickly before dropping to his hands and knees on the floor of the ship in an effort to brace himself besides Hux. Before the image faded away a thought blasted through your mind as the ship's image was engulfed in tearing fiery metal.  **_I’m not leaving you._ **

You let out a choked yell trying to lunge forward to grab him somehow while the image dissolved along with the sound. You stood hyperventilating in confusion as you searched the area. Cold sweat ran down your temples and chest. Far away you could hear someone's indiscernible words growing louder like someone was turning the volume up on your flight headset. You turned to look at the launch bay bridge crew staring at you. “Are you ok?” The officer asked concerned. You nodded numbly. “The general is in trouble. The ship was compromised somehow. I need to see the admiral.” You whispered. “What. . . What do you mean?” He pressed, but you had already grabbed your data pad and started running. 

You ran to the lifts, slamming the buttons as if it could take you to the bridge faster. When the doors opened you launched yourself inside hitting the bridge floor. With no way to speed your accent you resigned yourself to your fate to stand dead still with your eyes closed. You focused on slowing your breathing. As its rate gradually slowed you switched to focusing on Kylo's face in your mind. You searched for some sign that he may be alive not knowing if this was how your connection worked. Your hand instinctively went down to grip the healed wound on your thigh. You focused now on the way he smelled, the sound of his voice. From somewhere far away you could hear his voice whisper in your mind.  **_Don’t._ **

Your eyes shot open as the lifts doors did. He was alive, and you were going to get him help whether he wanted it or not. You ran down the hallway toward the bridge doors. The two guards walked toward you holding up a hand. “STOP! The bridge is locked down. Return to your station.” They barked. You furrowed your brow as they realized you weren’t stopping and began to lower their rifles. At the last moment you dropped to your knees instinctively to slide just under a blaster shot. You rolled forward at the end of your slide in front of them, then stood quickly with your palms upwards toward the chins of their helmets. As you were rising upwards you felt something surge within you until the point of contact. Your blow caused them to lift from the ground and fly backwards onto their backs. You didn’t even slow at the incredible display of strength as they went down and kept sprinting forward through the doors. 

You burst onto the bridge that was alive with activity. Personnel was running to and fro, carrying data pads. You walked quickly toward the Admiral standing at the front of the bridge talking heatedly with another commander. “HALT!” A voice yelled behind you. You stopped raising your hands as the bridge personnel looked up to you including the admiral. “They’re alive, Admiral.” You yelled across the room. The admiral stared at you somewhat distrustful as they dismissed the troopers behind you. You glanced back at them noticing that they were both holding themselves upright in an obvious level of discomfort. Once they exited the bridge you lowered your hands, crossing to the admiral. “And how would you know that? This just happened. We haven't received any communication. We haven't received a single indication the ship is intact.” He said, raising an eyebrow. You nodded. “You won’t. It's completely destroyed. General Hux and Commander Ren are very much alive.” You said pointing up at the map of the planet. “We need to go there. Now.” You said still out of breath from your hurried journey here. 

The admiral considered you for a moment before looking to the map. “It could be a wasted effort. We are currently on course for our next outreach. This would delay us. We should wait for further information.” He said trying to make excuses for not sparing the effort. “. . . Do you think Supreme Leader Snoke would find it a wasted effort?” You said with a slight sneer. The admiral snapped his head to stare at you with a loathing look and then looked to the commander he had been arguing with. “I want the SR team pulled. They are leaving within the hour. Give them the secondary command ship, and an escort of Spec Op. Volunteer basis only.” He glanced over to you with obvious dislike before walking briskly away. You looked at the commander. “I will be going. I’ll be at the hanger shortly.” You said before turning and walking out. 

You returned to your quarters and began suiting up in a combat flight suit. It was reinforced material that was somewhat blaster resistant black fitted material, armor on your shoulders, chest, arms, knees, and shins. You slung your blaster rifle over your back before strapping a belt of extra ammo around your waist. You grabbed your data pad and headed to the command ship. You were early when you arrived so you assisted with the loading and systems inspections before taking a seat in the shuttles loading bay to wait. 

The first person to arrive was the SR leader. They greeted you, quickly sending the files to your data pad to look over before returning to checking in the team that was arriving. The admirals SR team consisted of 7 members, 8 with the captain, and you. You checked your data pad seeing that 3 SPEC OP members had volunteered. They were loading into their TIE Whispers now. Just before launch Captain Phasma with a group of stormtroopers joined the team. You watched them take positions inside the shuttles loading zone jump seats feeling better for the increased presence. Captain Phasma stopped in front of you as she loaded and looked down at you. “I heard of you Commander. You have my respect.” She said holding a gloved hand out. You smiled some and stood taking her hand in a firm handshake. “I’ve heard the same Captain. You’re impressive yourself. I’m grateful you joined us.” You released her hand with a nod. “When I heard of the Commander I insisted. Thank you for having us.” She said before taking her own seat.

After what seemed like an eternity, the command shuttle finally closed its ramp and was granted permission to launch. You checked your data pad again as the shuttle left the destroyer noting that the journey at light speed would take many hours. You wondered if Kylo had hours left, or if he was even hurt at all. During the hours of the journey you tried repeatedly to reach out to Kylo, with no success. An hour from the planet's surface you were informed that you had received a communication from Hux somehow along with coordinates. You wanted to inquire if Kylo was safe, but refrained knowing how it would look. As the ship began its descent to the surface you joined the stormtroopers in weapons check, then filed in behind them with the SR team as they lined up. Captain Phasma stopped her inspection beside you. “Commander, you don’t belong in the back. Come with me.” She said gesturing. You smiled embarrassed, remembering you weren’t a squadron leader anymore, following her to the front of the formation. 

The ship touched down lightly and then the ramp began to lower. You held the rifle in a ready position angle towards the ground as a forested landscape greeted you. The tension that you had been holding came to a head as you struggled to control your breathing. You imagined finding Kylo mangled, lifeless. The panic surged through your body barely contained as your hands gripped the blaster to stop from shaking. You filed off beside Phasma scanning the area anxiously, locating an older model ship hidden among the forested landscape. “GENERAL HUX!?” Phasma barked out in her commanding voice. You double timed beside her on legs that felt like jelly towards the ship, noting the storm troopers flanking out behind you. You had been informed that they were in the custody of a friendly, but after what had happened the First Order was taking no chances. From the forest you caught movement and quickly raised your rifle. From the trees came Hux, a strange man in a worn uniform, and thankfully Kylo. The panic remained, needing for you to confirm what you saw with your hands. Needing to grab him in your arms to know he was ok. You lowered your rifle as you continued walking toward the unhelmeted Kylo. You couldn't take your gaze away from his figure as Phasma addressed the General. 

  
He seemed mostly unharmed, besides a cut over his eyebrow. “Captain Phasma. I want those. . . Those THINGS that attacked us dealt with. I want the communications in this man's ship destroyed, but I want Bylsma left alive.” Captain Phasma nodded “Yes General.” Before dispersing. General Hux's voice broke your concentration on Kylo. “Commander ____. What are you doing here?” You looked to Hux noting the confused expression on his face. “I. . . I volunteered sir, when I heard what had happened to your craft.” Hux eyed you for a moment more before responding. “Your dedication to the First Order, while inspiring, borders on the obsessive.” He briskly walked by. You turned to make eye contact with Kylo as he walked past you. You followed behind him, ignoring the sounds of blaster fire, as you headed toward the command ship. You walked up the ramp quickly behind Kylo before you passed him. You were speed walking now toward the crews cramped cabins. You needed to be alone, you needed to get this suffocating armor off, you needed to breath. 

You burst through the door into the small space and dropped to the ground on your knees, letting the rifle hit the ground and slide to a stop against the opposite wall. You gasped feeling faint as you ripped the arm plates off, then the chest plate. You struggled with your neck zipper as you gulped for air with numb hands. You were so cold, so weak, and terrified. You had never struggled with fear so much as you were in this moment. Fear was a response to your death, not fear of losing someone else. This didn’t make sense to you. Distantly you heard the door open behind you. “GET OUT!” You yelled not wanting anyone to see you this weak. You continued to struggle as Kylo walked in front of you and kneeled. “No.” He said with a glare. Kylo was the last person you wanted to see you like this. You knew he wouldn’t comfort you, he might even use it as fuel in his crusade to protect you.  _ I don’t want him to think this is his fault.  _ You thought miserably. He reached out unzipping the neck of your jump suit till it was just below your sports bra. Surprising you again Kylo placed a hand on your shoulder, then one on the center of your chest. “ **_You can breathe. You are calm._ ** ” He commanded. 

The violent shivering convulsions of your body slowed as the air seemed thinner, easier to breath somehow. Your minds screaming began to still while warmth spread through you from Kylo's hand on your chest. It was a type of warmth that reminded you of slipping into a bath, while waking at your own pace buried under the covers in your bed. “Why are you panicking?“ He asked in an annoyed tone. You raised your hands to cover your face. Kylos hands gripped your wrists and forcefully pulled your hands away. “Look at me.” He commanded harshly. You slowly gazed up at his angry face. “Why are you panicking?” He asked once more, angrier now because of your resistance. You ripped your arms away from his hands letting them fall into your lap. You shook your head. “No Kylo. Just no. Not now.” 

His eyes searched your face trying to decide what he should do with you right now. He was obviously not used to not getting the requested answer. “You need to pull yourself together. There will be questioning into what you’ve just done.” He hissed grabbing your arm to pull you up as he stood. You both stood there looking at each other, his hand around your forearm between you. “So.” You said feeling put off by his aggressiveness toward you. You had just ditched your duties, flown hours to walk into an unknown situation for him and he was worried about questions. “SO?” He snapped yanking you toward him. “SO? . . . Your outburst is going to receive the wrong kind of attention.” He said, eyeing you angrily. You felt surprised at him knowing that far away what you did on the destroyer to get here. “Yes. Yes I know. What you did was foolish. Childish. Snoke may want to speak with you. If he finds out about this. . . You’re dead. Or you will belong to him instead of me.” He said verging on yelling. 

You blinked speechless that he still thought of you as his. He growled, shoving you back against the wall. The movement was controlled violence, cautious as to hurting you despite his rage. “Is that what you want!? TO BE HIS!?” He said with his face inches from yours. You slowly shook your head. “No, I’m yours. I’m yours.” You whispered shocked now at the venom in his voice. The jealousy that poured from him was violent. You didn’t know you had this level of an effect on him. Kylo squeezed your arm a little tighter in his, bordering on painful, and then threw it to the side. 

His hand shot up now to grip your throat in it loosely while he lowered his mouth to your ear so that his face was against the side of yours. In a shaking voice he spoke to you as he trapped your body between his and the wall. “That’s right. I would fucking kill him. I would kill anyone that tried to take you. Do you understand me?” He whispered, squeezing lightly on your neck. You felt a mixture of fear and lust spread through your body. You couldn’t help but feel enamoured with the control he was exuding right now. The possessiveness of it.  _ I love it. The bad side, the good side. I fucking love it. _ You thought helplessly. “Did you hear me?” He said giving your neck a quick squeeze. You struggled out a nod under his firm grip. “Say it.” He said in a shaking voice. “I belong to you.” You said reaching out and grasping the quilted tunic he was wearing. “And?” He said as his other hand rose to grab your hip. “You’ll kill them baby.” 

Kylo's hand around your neck snapped your neck to the side as his head lowered toward your shoulder. You jumped as he bit the flesh violently between his teeth. Your gritted teeth yell of pain dissolved into a moan as he switched from biting to sucking hard.  **_Your actions have consequences. Do you understand?_ ** His voice filled your mind. You choked out a soft “Yes.” as he continued to administer to what was no doubt and nasty bruise with his skilled tongue. You were surprised out of your lust filled stupor when he released you, letting your overwhelmed body slide down the wall as you looked up at the angry Kylo. He stared at your shoulder for a moment before storming from the room.

You let your head fall back against the metal with your eyes closed. You could feel the wetness between your legs begging to be satisfied by him, hating that it wouldn’t happen. He had taken his jealous rage out on you, which was so unlike the first time you had been together. The first time though ending in an animalistic need, wasn’t violent. You wondered as you put yourself together again if he would ever let that side take over when you were alone. A shudder ran through your body at the thought of it.  _ I’d love that shit. I can’t lie.  _ You said imagining Kylo and you fighting for the first time in the gym. It had dissolved into a passionate make out session that would have probably gone to a very sick and violent direction.

Once you were put together you went to the loading bay with the other troopers to continue working on your paperwork, now adding a mission report from today to it. It consumed the ride back to the destroyer but you were happy for the distraction away from Kylo. Once there you headed back to your room to toil the rest of the day away with work. 

The next few days you kept expecting to ‘run into’ Kylo, but he never sought you out. It made your feel a little blue, considering the passionate moment you had shared in the command shuttle.  _ I would fucking kill him. I would kill anyone that tried to take you.  _ The love bite, or anger bite, on your shoulder was now a yellowy purple as of your latest morning inspection of it. You liked having a mark on you from him as a physical reminder of him. As you walked down the bridge entrance hallway goosebumps danced over your skin once again. He had sounded barely leashed in his rage when he threatened the last person you would expect, Snoke. You entered the bridge with a quick nod to the guards, curious if one of them was Kal, and then continued towards Hux’s office. You had been requested specifically to meet him today with no clue as to the reasoning. You hit the page button and moments later the door slid open. “Come.” Hux’s voice called curtely.

Cautiously you entered his office to find Kylo staring out the transparisteel window, and Hux seated behind his desk eyeing you. You slowly walked over to stand in front of his desk. “Sir.” You said glancing at Kylo and then back to Hux. “You have been summoned to meet with the Supreme Leader.” Hux said with a sneer.  _ Oh he’s pissed.  _ You thought as you examined the general's distrustful face. Kylo turned facing Hux and you could tell by his body posture that he was enraged. “I have told the Supreme Leader that I could handle this personally.” His tone was laced with anger. 

“Yes, that may be. But after a discussion I could not persuade the Supreme Leader of your ability to recognize and deal with this issue. Trust me, I would prefer that Snoke had not learned of our incompetence in recognizing her. . . potential as he so finely put it.” He said, looking somewhat pleased with insulting Kylo. You heard Kylos gloved hands clenched tightly as you continued looking at Hux.  _ Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.  _ The mantra kept looping in your mind as Kylo turned toward you. “COME.” He barked walking toward the doors. You nodded to Hux, giving him a proper goodbye, before following behind the swift Kylo. Personnel on the bridge were staring as Kylo stormed through with a furious swirling of his surcoat, with you nearly needing to jog to keep up with his large form. You followed him across the bridge to an access elevator in the back that you had never used. “Snoke is here?” You whispered to Kylo as you joined him in the cabin. You realized that they were staring because of who you were, and who you were going to meet. 

The doors closed and Kylo whirled on you. “Lucky for you he is not.” He growled from behind his mask. “He is going to test you, he may even hurt you.” He said holding a hand up just over your face in a claw shape. It seemed like he was going to grab you but after a moment of hesitation he closed his fist. “Why Kylo?” You had a sense of foreboding that grew the further down the lift went. Kylo refused to answer you, choosing instead to reach out and touch your cheek momentarily before turning around. When the doors opened you were in a large room with wall to wall black material. There was a very large walkway down the center, but on either side there was nothing. As you walked behind Kylo you tried to peer into the void but couldn't see the bottom. The room was poorly lit with only a very dull light at the end of the room where a throne sat empty.

Once you reached the end of the room Kylo dropped to one knee and bowed his head. You followed his lead beside him, staring at the floor. A dark oppressing feeling swept over you and then you heard a ragged deep voice speak. “I have felt your movements, lightly, but I have felt them girl.” You slowly looked up, choosing to remain kneeled with Kylo. You had never met the supreme leader before, so you were unsure of the protocol. The man that sat on the throne looked ancient with a deformed face. The supreme leader had the cold calculated face of a predator. You realized that the form in front of you was a projection, but it felt so much realer than any you had encountered. “Come here.” He said rising. You stood cautiously and slowly walked toward him.  _ Calm, balance, strength. Jacen.  _ You focused on clearing your mind completely and envision wrapping it tightly like a TIE cockpit. Snoke raised his eyebrows in annoyed amusement as you stepped to the foot of the throne's small stairs. “You think you can hide yourself from me. Your mind.” He raised a hand upward towards you and you felt your body rise from the ground. 

If it was Kylo, the sensation would have been interesting, but now floating with your toe tips inches from the floor, limbs immobilized, you felt like prey. “No Supreme Leader. I wanted to ensure my mind did not offend you.” You said raising your eyes to look above him at the dim light. You could feel nothing but a cold void between you and Kylo at this moment. “Master, she is just a girl.” His voice was colder than you had ever heard it referring to you. “SILENCE!” Snoke roared. Snoke stepped down the stairs to stand on the last one to look at you closer. “You saved my apprentice's life, somehow. A lucky calculation at those speeds. You’ve also avoided contact in numerous engagements, while in the air and on land. You aren't even trained thoroughly in infantry tactics yet you survived the massacre of P29 despite being in the heart of the city. Weaponless” He mused. 

You swallowed not knowing what you should say. “You sensed somehow my general and apprentice lived despite the light years between you.” You glanced down to look at Snokes face closer, feeling a level of primal fear. “One of these sabers holds a crystal. If you want to live, you’re going to tell me which.” Your body dropped out of the air without warning. You fell onto your back hard enough to knock the wind from your lungs, and smack your head on the ground. You struggled to drag in a breath between the reflexive coughs and the pain cutting through your skull. “GET UP!” Snoke roared as the force grabbed you by the hair again and dragged you to your feet. You let out a pained cry at the brutalization of your wounded scalp. Snoke released you once you stood to stand at eye level with a circle of lightsabers around your head. You turned slowly gazing at them realizing if you chose wrong, you would never see Kylo again.

You looked to Kylo beyond the ring to find him staring at you intently. You felt hot blood start to run down the back of your neck from what was no doubt a nasty gash from the fall. Slowly you raised your hands up in a way you imagined Kylo would and closed your eyes. You focused on the sound of the grass in the wind, the way it waved like the sea on the breezes of Taiwa. Once calmed your mind went blank leaving you with an odd sensation of your body in a void with the sabers. You slowly turned in this new void focusing on the sabers around you as you turned. You started to feel subtle feelings rising from each that you couldn’t distinguish.  _ Don’t linger, move forward _ . And then there it was, a feeling that was stranger than the others, and somehow stronger. You couldn't explain it but it felt like waves of energy rolling over your palm. You opened your eyes, dropping your other hand. “This one.” You said not knowing how you knew, but you did.  _ Instinct.  _

All of the sabers around you started to click loudly from one to the next as the power switches were engaged by Snokes force abilities. They made a full circle till it came to the one you chose and stopped. The sabers clattered to the ground around you in a chorus of metallic clinks. You watched your selected saber turn vertically in the air and the blade hummed to life. Unlike Kylos crackling blade, this one was a smooth humming beam shining a brilliant purple before your eyes. You wanted to reach out and take it in your palm but before you could it shut off. The sabers around you flew off of the floor and into the darkness behind the throne. “As I thought.” Snoke said darkly. His hand shot out toward you and from it’s tips flowed what looked like lightning. The lightning wrapped around you in a blanket of pain that bled through every cell. 

It felt like your body was ripping apart in the flow of energy. All you could do was scream. “NO!” Kylo yelled from beside you. You were left in agony for what felt like forever before your body fell once more to the ground. Thankfully this time you landed on your knees and then fell onto your side. From where you laid you could see Kylo on his knees, with his arms bent backwards painfully. Snokes hand was raised over him as he looked on in anger. “There has always been one master, one apprentice.” Snoke said eerily calm for torturing people. “. . . She’s not a true force user. She is only a synthetic. She’s nothing.” Kylo’s voice was laced with genuine physical pain. “She would die for me. For the First Order.” He shouted as he watched Snoke raise his hand toward you again. Snoke paused his movement looking to Kylo. “She's loyal, Master.” You slowly moved your screaming arms, and painfully tried to push yourself up with a groan. The movement caused dark spots to dance in your vision. Snoke watched you interested. “Would you, stubborn child?” He asked watching as you were able to get on your hands and knees. 

  
You looked to Kylo thoughtfully before answering. “Yes. I would die for Kylo. For my commitment to the cause.” Snoke twitched his fingers and the sound of choking was heard behind Kylo's mask. “Then jump.” He said pointing towards the edge of the walkway. “Jump or he dies.” He said with cold curiosity. You looked at Kylo, feeling panic rolling off of him. Helplessness. Rage. Slowly you rose fighting back the threatening spots that were trying to cloud your vision. You were going to faint from the pain, the intensity of the situation any moment. With heavy steps you walked over to the black void. You looked into it before turning your back on it to look at Kylo, wanting him to be the last thing you might ever see. You stared at him wishing you had said everything you needed to say to him.  _ I will always be with you no matter the distance. _ You tried to get across to him. You watched as he fought against the hold to barely move his arm toward you before you gave into the dizziness. You felt your body falling through nothing as darkness stole you away. 


	12. Making Contact

“'Cause I have hella feelings for you

I act like I don't fucking care

Like they ain't even there

'Cause I have hella feelings for you

I act like I don't fucking care

'Cause I'm so fucking scared

I'm only a fool for you

And maybe you're too good for me

I'm only a fool for you

But I don't fucking care, at all, oh”

  * “Idfc” -Blackbear



“You broke me first” - Tate McRae

  
  


* * *

The blackness that cradled you was infinite in it’s grasp of your senses. You saw nothing, felt nothing, heard nothing, but you were eerily aware of your breathing. You couldn’t tell which way was up, if there was one at all. Your mind struggled to collect why it was frantic when you first arrived in this blackness. _There was someone hurting me. Someone told me to jump. . . jump. . . I jumped into this._ You struggled to move as a feeling began to grow. It was getting hard for you to breath as the pain that you now remembered grew threw every limb. _I can’t breath. I can’t breath._ An image flashed before your eyes of Kylo before you with a hand to your chest. _Kylo!_ Your mind reeled as the sensations started to return. There was the gnarled face of Snoke, the flashes of pain bringing light, Kylo struggling. The sensation of something wrapped tightly around your chest and back grew with sound.

You came out of the abyss like a swimming rising to the surface. Your eyes opened slowly to stare into the dimly lit ceiling of the throne room with your head limply back. You could hear someone breathing shakily near your face whispering. “Wake up. Just fucking wake up.” You slowly rolled your head forward to realize that Kylo had you in a vice like grip to his chest with his arms locked around your back. You lifted your once limp arms slowly to wrap around his neck. “Hey.” You whispered feeling his body trembling against yours. You couldn’t see his face as it was buried in your neck to tell if he was crying, or angry. His hold relaxed some as he pressed his head against yours. “Why would you do that?” He was angry. “I had to.” You said wanting again to tell him everything you felt, but you always came up short. You didn’t know how to tell him what it would feel like letting him die so you settled for reason. “If I didn’t we both most likely would have been killed. Snoke doesn’t seem like the kind of person that settles.” You said as Kylo pulled away. 

He left you in a sitting position on the floor with the face of a man half insane in rage. He stalked back and forth on the walkway dragging his fingers through his wild hair trying to collect himself. “I couldn’t do anything.” He hissed now grabbing handfuls of hair in a way that looked painful to you. “Kylo, no one can stop him. He’s the Supreme Leader.” You said trying to stand despite your incredibly sore body. Kylo whirled around to face you. “I KNOW THAT!” He screamed. You ignored him finally getting to your feet.

Kylo crouched down now holding his head in his hands with his elbows on his knees. You watched him quietly expecting his rage to run its course. Kylo had been bested in front of a witness, that was something that never happened, while watching you almost die. _I’m not sure which one bothers him the most._ At your thought Kylo clenched his fists and slammed them onto the floor hard enough to shatter the tiles with a crunch that made you jump. “Get out.” He said quietly. You paused for a moment trying to decide if you had enough energy to fight him. “No. Just. . . Go. . . please.” He sounded so close to losing control it worried you. Turning on your heel you walked slowly down the walkway to the lift. Just as the doors closed you heard the distinctive sounds of Kylo destroying the room you were once in. 

You exited the lift onto the bridge, very much aware that the personnel were staring at you. _They probably don’t see many people leave that room alive._ You thought bleakly. You walked straight over to Hux’s door and paged for him. There was a pause before the door opened so that you were face to face with the man himself. “If you want to speak you’ll need to keep up. I’m late.” He said breezing by you. You followed after him, trying to ignore the pain the pace was sending through you. “General Hux sir, I just wanted to report back to you in case you needed anything further from our meeting.” Hux glanced over at you curiously before looking ahead. “Where is Ren?” You looked back over your shoulder. “He stayed behind to handle some things.” You heard Hux scoff and looked to see a smirk on his face. “I’ll tell the engineering department to report for repairs straight away then.” You knew that it was part sarcasm, part seriousness. Kylo would destroy that room and have the department busy for a good while. 

“Yeah. Probably a good idea Sir.” Hux looked over to you again with his eyebrow raised. “I have orders that you will be transitioned to become a knight when a replacement is found for you.” Shock went through you already aching body. Hux took in your expression as he hit the lift button. “I see you were not informed.” He said dryly. You shook your head looking down at your wing commander rank. “. . . Sir. . . I just want to be a squadron leader.” The lift opened and Hux walked in. “I don’t trust people with no ambition to climb.” His tone was cold now, devoid of the small humor it held a moment ago. You stepped in beside him, not sure of where you were going, but you hoped Hux might be able to help you. “I just like to fly. I’ve flown since I was a child. It brings me peace Sir.” You stood against the wall as the doors began to close. “If you want peace, you’ll never find here. The order came from The Supreme Leader. . .” Hux paused looking at you considering heavily before continuing. “I doubt it will be easy to find, and also train, your replacement with the current mission we are on. I leave it in your hands Commander. My orders are first, Ren’s secondary. Do we have an understanding?”

You nodded feeling grateful for Hux’s small attempt at kindness. He was at times a cold man, but he didn’t seem like a terrible person. “Now. . . Brief yourself appropriately for our next mission. It’s some infuriating thing The Supreme Leader handed down for Ren.” His tone was annoyed. You wondered if Hux hated Kylo because of the way Kylo acted, or because he was Snokes replacement. It didn’t seem like the smart move to rub against Snokes replacement. Hux wasn’t a stupid man though, so perhaps he had a plan. The lift doors opened and you both disembarked. As you stepped out you went to bid farewell to Hux, but someone yelling your name interrupted you. You turned to see Kris hurrying down the hallway with her usual cheerful smile. 

“I HAVE GOT TO TELL YOU SOME SHI-” She quickly closed her mouth as she realized Hux was your companion. A crimson blush spread across her face and she looked to the ground. “General Hux. Apologies.” She mumbled as she took a spot next to you. Hux stared down at her with a mixture of disbelief and disapproval. “Who are you?” He asked, raising his chin some while regaining his superior composure. You nudged Kris so she would look up. She raised her traumatized gaze to look at him. “EN-91. Engineering.” Hux tilted his head examining her quietly, looked to you, then back to Kris. “How fortunate. I need an engineer. Report to my office this afternoon prior to the end of shift. I need you to analyze the reports from the shuttle sabotage and assist me in the investigation.” He said looking away as if he was disinterested. You raised an eyebrow watching them both. Hux could have the chief engineer do this, not Kris. He must have fallen under Kris’s charm as well. Kris nodded. “Yes sir.” Hux nodded his head before striding quickly away from you both. 

Kris grabbed your arm looking white as a sheet. “What the fuck am I going to do?” She whispered looking back over her shoulder at hux. “Uhm. . . Go? Do a good job. Don’t snivel. He hates that. Just speak to him like you would to your superior, just less swearing.” You said putting a hand over hers and dragging her towards the lifts. You wanted to go to your room and lay down, needed to actually. Kris laughed humorlessly and joined you on the lift. “Yeah, well that’ll be great. I’ll just stroll in there and be like ‘Hey there boss man. Whatchya got for me?’ ” You shook your head as the lift began travelling. “Don’t overthink it. Seriously.” You said leaning your head back on the metal. Kris looked over at you and then started some. “Holy shit! You look like a jawa smells.” She said, truly concerned. 

“Yeah. I was slammed into the ground, lightning zapped, then threw myself off a cliff I think. I’m not feeling super hot right now.” You said wishing the elevator would move faster. “I’m sorry. . . you wanna run that by me again like you didn’t just say you jumped off a cliff!?” You snorted giving her a shrug. “Snoke wanted to see me. I go. He’s pissed, I guess. Asks me to choose the right lightsaber or I die. So I picked the right one and he decided to kill me anyway. By the way, do not trust that asshole.” You said glancing at Kris. Kris rolled her eyes dramatically. “No shit.” You sighed as the doors opened to your unit’s floor. You walked off with Kris back to your room, grateful to have her company today. “So then he does some weird electricity thing. . . Kylo stops him, and he tells me to jump off the edge of this walkway or Kylo dies.” You opened your unit and walked in with Kris. 

“. . . SO YOU JUMP!?” She screeched pushing you some. You stumbled wincing. “Yeah. I did.” You headed to your bathroom. “Why the fuck would you do that ______?” She sounded genuinely upset now. You turned on the bathroom light, the shower, and then began stripping. “He was going to kill him.” You glanced at Kris who was holding her face in her hands misty eyed. “That’s both the most romantic, and the dumbest thing, I have EVER heard of you doing.” She said taking a seat on your counter. The hot water from the shower seemed to start working it’s magic the moment it hit your aching body. “What did Kylo do?” Kris’s tone was curious with an edge of suspicion. You thought about your answer as you let the hot water relax your abused muscles. “I don’t know. I woke up and he seemed maybe worried, but really really pissed off.”

Kris was quiet for a while as you stretched under the water. You were in the middle of washing when she finally spoke up. “I always thought you had the force. I just wasn’t sure how to find out. . . “ You glanced over at her with dismay. “According to Kylo I'm a synthetic. That doesn’t sound like I have the force. I’ve never moved anything, I’ve never had a premonition. I’m not a force user.” Deep down you knew though that something in you was changing. The way you hit those guards the other day, and now choosing the correct saber? “He’s lying, you’ve always had this little edge that made you know when to move, and what to choose. That’s how the jedi used to find younglings.” She was sitting on the corner cross legged now attempting to braid her hair intricately. “That may be why we feel so close then. . . It’s not an artificial bond from the accident.” You said staring straight ahead. If you were right then the intimacy you shared between one another was grown through something bigger than yourselves. The force was just an avenue for what was meant to be. It wasn’t a lie. You were kindred spirits, perhaps the only two left. “ If that’s true. . . then Kylo is the last Jedi that lives.” You said trying to wrap your mind around your current situation. 

Kris nodded giving up on her current work and began undoing it. “Yeah, except he’s not. Number 1: He’s an apprentice Sith. Number two: Luke Skywalker lives.” She said absentmindedly. You felt a cold chill slide down your spine. “Skywalker can’t live. How do you know that Kris?” You asked turning now to look at her fully through the glass. Kris shrugged her shoulders. “I heard mutterings from some bridge personnel that Kylo and Hux are trying to locate a map to Skywalker. Also I mean think about it ______. Do you really believe a young Kylo could kill a Jedi Master?” She scoffed. “Fucking doubt that.” She answered for you. 

You took a moment to think as you washed the blood from your hair. The wound on your scalp was less of a gash, and more of a small split. You finished your shower and dried off. “Do you think Kylo knows?” You asked, looking at Kris. She shrugged “If he doesn’t, he will soon. I’m sure of it. He can read people's minds.” You went over to your discarded clothes to grab Kylos glove. “True. I don’t think it’s like osmosis though. He has to do this thing where he puts his hand over your face and actually tries. It’s weird.” You wrapped yourself in your robe trying to figure out this insane avalanche of information. Kris followed you through your room, where you laid Kylos glove on your nightstand, then to your ‘living room’ and took her usual spot on the couch. 

“So, what now with everything?” She asked kicking her boots off so she could sit cross legged on the cushions. 

“. . . Hux said that I’m being reassigned.” 

“To what though? You’re a wing commander. That makes no sense. . . unless. . . “ She trailed off as her eyes widened some. 

“Knights of Ren.” You whispered as you let your head lean sideways onto the couch cushions. “Oh no. . . “ Kris whispered in return while wrapping her arms around herself. You nodded not completely clear on what they did. They seemed like some sort of SPEC OP team that only responded to Kylo, mixed with errand boys. They were always coming and going from the ship with no reports other than launch bay logs. They looked so ominous that day following Kylo on through the decimated village. “Well. . . at least you can be near him, and the lack of uniform is pretty bitchin.” It was Kris’s attempt at being light hearted, you knew that, but it still didn’t make you feel any better. 

You shrugged. “I doubt he’ll let me go anywhere near him. This was Snoke, not Kylo. He could have gotten me transferred when he wanted, but he didn’t.” You heard Kris sigh next to you. “Yeah. . . You’re right.” Her voice was sounding less up beat by the second. “What did you come running up to me for?” You asked looking at her. She frowned. “Well. . . It’s really not THAT exciting now. . . I just heard a rumor.” She said quietly. You raised your eyebrows. “Not you? Never my best friend with the rumor mill. I’m shocked.” You teased. Kris threw a pillow at you smiling a little. “It’s about Kylo. . . he made a special request from the logistics department, and engineering” She said with a conspirator tone. 

“What did he request?” You couldn’t imagine Kylo needing anything. He seemed like such a minimalist personality when it came to material items. “Some metal alloy blanks, very specific compositions. Tools from engineering. The type of stuff we use for working on the finer elements within the engines. Some work mats, it almost seems like metal working equipment. We have a bet pool going on that he’s going to wow us with a new look.” 

You couldn’t help but smile at the image of Kylo working on his own ‘look’ alone in his room. “I doubt Kylo is trying to revamp his look. He’s probably working on armor, or fixing his saber if I had to guess. That thing looks unstable.” You said nestling deeper into the couch. “It’s because of how he forged the crystals in it. When you bleed them sometimes they crack.” Kris was once again messing with her long blonde locks. “Bleed them?” You had no knowledge of lightsaber smithing other than there was a crystal in it. Kris nodded. “Yeah. Sith can bleed an existing saber crystal instead of forging a synthetic. When they do that sometimes the crystal cracks. The red blade is the crystal bleeding from what he did to it, the unstable blade is from fractures. I’m surprised it didn’t fail completely.” She mused with a thoughtful look on her face. 

“You know a suspicious amount of information about the force. Like. . . a disturbing amount of knowledge.” You were mildly suspicious, but mostly impressed. Kris shrugged. “I’m an engineer. Those things are fascinating. I dig up what I can, where I can.” She said with a smile. “Wish you knew how to use this force shit. It would be a major help in convincing Kylo to relax.” You said holding a hand up to look at it. You wondered if you would ever be able to lift anything like Kylo did, or better yet, how you used it in the hallway to hit those guards that hard. “I mean. . . if you really want help I could maybe introduce you to some friends of mine that might know. . . “ Kris said with forced casualness. You looked over at her concerned. “You said that in a super shady way. I don’t like that.” 

Kris rolled her eyes. “They’re ok. I promise. I wouldn’t take you anywhere you’d get hurt. . . Except for those few times on shore leave. To be fair I had no idea that we were going to get into a fight.” You snorted. “You mean I was going to get into a fight while you threw things?” Kris pointed at you with a wink. “That. Yes exactly that. I had no clue. Swear.” You considered it for a moment before sighing. “IF the opportunity arises, I suppose I could speak to them. But I will under no circumstances take vacation time or by any other means go out of my way.” Kris smiled wide and practically tackled you. “This is going to be fucking awesome.” She said practically giddy. You hugged her back trying to shake your feeling of apprehension. Kris was your friend, she wouldn’t do anything to put you knowingly in danger. So why did you feel like you were walking into something bad? 

The rest of Kris’s visit you sat letting her control the conversation. You knew she was ditching work today, and would use you as an excuse. Before she left to go to Hux’s requested meeting you gave her the story. “We had a brief on service requirements and current backlogged repairs for the fleet. Got it?” You asked her while you walked her to your door. Kris nodded looking incredibly nervous. “He’s not a bad guy, just a little cold. Go with confidence, but not arrogant. He may seem abrasive at first but it’s just his initial reaction. He’s the general of the First Order. They’ve molded him into what they want, not who he is Kris. There’s a human inside that shell.” Kris smiled some and hugged you. “You always have a unique way of looking at things. I’ll catch you around.” As the door opened there was a serving droid waiting in the hallway. It beeped a few times at you before a compartment opened. A data pad slid from the compartment. “Thanks little guy.” You said taking it. You weren’t sure where you had lost it, but you were grateful for the efficiency of the First Order. “Come on, you can ride with me.” Kris said patting the droid on the head before walking toward the lifts with it in tow. 

You returned to your office and began going over the information for the newest location. This mission was definitely not a part of the original mission listings. _Snoke added this, no doubt._ You thought looking over the description of the Benathy home planet and its people. There was a startling amount of information for a sector that had been untraveled by the First Order. As you continued to read you reached the previous engagements section. The reason it was so detailed is because the Galactic Empire, spearheaded by Darth Vader, had failed to subdue the local population. “The fuck.” You mumbled flicking through more information. 

You spent time working on loose engagements strategies per the known tactics of the Benathy people and then stopped when you came to their god like creature the Zillo Beast. That was the reason Vader had failed in the past. You looked at the terrible images captured of the thing, marvelling at its size. It was roughly 100 meters long from the reports, blaster resistant, saber resistant. You had no idea how to deal with the creature. “Negotiations, we’re going to have to come to terms. We aren't prepared for this shit.” You said flipping away from the Benathy reports to your messages. You responded to a few before coming across an official notice from the First Order informing you of your release from service, and your request to be reassigned to the knights. _Request my ass, there is no request._ You thought miserably. You wondered how you were going to make credits. Would you be a traitor if the First Order released you, and you walked away from the Knights?

The notice concluded that you had a month remaining to locate a replacement, train them, then vacate your quarters. You closed your eyes trying to keep yourself calm as a flood of anger hit you. You had worked for years to get to where you are, albeit this newest position was a twist of fate, but still. Now you were being stripped of your uniform, your ship. Because of your _adoration_ for Kylo you were losing everything you loved. _Not everything._ You shook your head angrily and backhanded the datapad off of its stand. _I do not love him. Right now I want to. . . I want to. . ._ It flipped through the air before slamming into the wall. You sighed, bringing your hand up to rub the flesh that came in contact with the data pad. _I don’t know what I want to do to him._ You thought miserably. You stared at the red mark on your hand as a memory of Kylos voice crept into your mind. _I don’t know if I want you to scream my name in pain or pleasure._ It was irritatingly accurate right now. There was a chime at your unit's door. “Fucking what now.” You growled standing. You crossed your living room quickly with more menace than you meant to before opening the door. 

There was a medical droid there, with Kylo. You stared quietly at his helmet, well aware that your expression was angry. You looked at the droid and reached your hand over to close the door again. “I’m good.” You said attempting to hit the door button, but Kylo's hand rose stopping you with the force. You looked to him angrier now, willing as hard as you could for your hand to move. It began to shake as something surged inside you again. Kylo took a step forward fully extending his arm in a motion of full focus. You knew you would never be a match for him, but it felt good to fight back. Finally he spoke. “Don’t fight me. You will lose.” Kylo said walking into your unit past you with the droid. You felt his hold release and you turned around to glare at him. “This is a bad time.” You said refusing to move from the doorway. “It’s always a bad time for us.” He responded before lifting his hands to pull his helmet off. You closed your door, unable to argue with his logic. You went to the chair Kylo pulled out for you, sitting angrily. 

The droid began scanning you quietly as it circled you. Once it reached behind you it stopped to begin administering to your scalp. “I don’t want to be a fucking Knight.” You finally spat out. Kylo was standing a short distance away examining his helmet. “Why?” You turned your eyes to look at him from the corner of your vision. “I’m a pilot. Not infantry. You’re thugged up entourage doesn’t fit my lifestyle.” Kylos hands clenched around the helmet and he tilted his head back to look up at the ceiling before walking in front of you. “They are not a ‘thugged up entourage’. They are Knights. They serve me and my will. Currently they’re locating a few artifacts that I’ve been searching for. At times they assist in protecting the General and myself when we have to meet face to face with enemy leaders. Other times they deliver sensitive information to field operatives. They hunt traitors. They are the elite of the First Order.” 

You held your firm displeased gaze. “They follow you. They serve you. You’d have me be a servant.” Your voice was a low threatening tone. Kylos face twitched and he leaned forward, slamming his helmet on the table beside you with one hand. This wasn’t about being a traitor and you knew it. This was about you being starved for attention from him, this was about him holding back from you still after everything that has happened. He looked down into your face quietly examining your expression before speaking. “To keep you alive, once and for all. Yes. I would have you serve. It’s not a negotiation. You will be reporting to training with my Knights when they return soon.” You clenched your fists as the medical droid moved around to your side with beeps indicating you needed to hold your arm out for an injection of muscle relaxers. You didn’t want relaxers, you wanted the pain from what had happened. You wanted them to scream with every movement to remind you what a fool you had been to think Kylo cared as deeply as you did. “Your arm.” Kylo said firmly.

You remained still in your seat defiantly. Kylo’s face twitched once more and he reached down grabbing your right wrist. You struggled with him briefly before giving up. Your strained muscles hurt too much to fight. He slid your robe’s sleeve up exposing your inner arm to the droid. “I would have you as a pilot.” Kylo said quietly. You stared straight back at him as the droid administered the muscles relaxer with a slight pinch. Kylo released your arm standing straight again. “You like this don’t you.” You said standing now to face him. He looked down at you growing angry. You raised your hands up pushing him firmly. “You want this servitude. You don’t want my emotions. Just my compliance. You want to protect me because you own me but you don’t want what comes with it.” You said watching him take a step back from your push. 

Kylo wouldn’t respond and it spurred your anger. “If you felt the same way you wouldn’t be able to fight it. I literally gave my life for you today. Now you’ll have me under your thumb at your beck and call. You’ll let me guess if you actually give a shit today, or maybe tomorrow you will? One small gesture, the minimal effort, and I’m fucked up again. I have to say, excellent technique. Bed me and then keep me wanting more. Instead of fear you’re using the heart.” You spat going to push him again. Kylos hand moved so quickly you hadn’t had time to react. It collided in a controlled backhand across your face. It was nowhere as hard as you knew he could hit, if anything it was more of a forceful push. You let your head turn with the contact. You could hear Kylo struggling to control his breathing in front of you. Slowly you turned your head to look up at him. He was a mixture of anger and surprise. He raised the same hand in a gesture to caress your cheek, but stopped short of its mark. It clenched tightly in midair in a fist that he let fall to his side. You could feel now the anger and regret in him. You didn’t care. You were tired of chasing, trying to get through to him. You were tired of Kylo’s presence running your life. You had been living for the next moment. This situation was based on your hope for him. The constant possibilities were stretching your emotions thin. 

Kylo grabbed his helmet from the table and turned stalking toward the door. “You still don't understand.” He said moodily. You snatched an empty tea mug from the table and hurled it at the wall next to his retreating body. “THEN FUCKING SAY SOMETHING FOR ONCE KYLO!!!” You screamed. He paused at the door, giving the now shattered projectile no mind. There was a moment of hesitation as he looked back at you. You waited for him to come to you. Willed him even to come to you and make you understand where you stood with him. He turned to face you with a trembling voice he shook his head knowing what you felt. “You’re still holding on to me.” You nodded. He looked to the floor shaking then looked up. “LET GO!” He roared. “LET GO OF THESE FALSE FEELINGS!” You shook your head. “They’re not a lie Kylo.” He glared at you with a pained look in his eyes. You knew he would be brooding all night as he stalked out of your room. 

You collapsed in the chair, feeling the muscle relaxer already blanketing your sorrowful rage in a drowsy cloud. _What have I done now?_ You thought cradling your head. _I’ve pushed him so far today. He’s just afraid to give in again. Afraid of what that could do to him._ Your normally controlled emotions were now sliding through your fingers. Some of them were pleasant like your lust, affection, happiness at Kylo’s attention, but there were others now. A rage you hadn’t felt since your father died, a black void widening in your heart, and pain. Stars there was so much pain building up in your chest from the un-quenched need for him. You retreated to your bed realizing the relaxer was going to force you into sleep. _Is this how he feels?_ You wondered drowsily. You clenched your jaw under the sheets, refusing to cry. You hated to cry but lately it was a recurring symptom of the chaos to your life. _How can he just push everything down between us. He was like a man possessed the night he gave in. He seemed so devoted. . . yet I nearly die for him today and I wake to him clutching me only to trade that for a tantrum? Now he hits me?_ You shifted under the blankets as sleep started to pull your consciousness from you. The last thing you remembered was the painful tug on your heart as you remembered the look on his face after he struck you. _He hates himself, why would he be able to accept that someone could want someone so hated._

* * *

I wanted to give you a full list of the Perspective Playlist if you are following along and listening to the music that helps me write. It's here below. Happy listening. 

  * "Catapult"- 2WEI-1
  * "Can We Kiss Forever"-Kina-1
  * “The Encounter”-ABBOTT-2
  * “Remembrance” -Tommee Profitt, Fleurie-3
  * “Animal”-Zayde Wolf-3
  * “Lover. Fighter.” -SVRCINA-4
  * “Black Widow” -Iggy Azalea-4
  * “Never Been Away”-ABBOT, 2WEI-5
  * “Play with Fire (ft. Yacht Money)”-Sam Tinnesz-5
  * "Every Breath You Take"- Chase Holfelder-6
  * “Mine” -Bazzi-7
  * "Too Far Gone" - Hidden Citizens-8
  * "Blah Blah Blah" -Armin van Buuren-8
  * “Carry on Wayward Son”-Neoni
  * “Half a Man”-Dean Lewis
  * “Stranger”-Katie Costello
  * "Such is Your Destiny"- Glory Oath + Blood, Robert Leslie Bennett, Generdyn, Jaroslav Beck
  * “Idfc” -Blackbear
  * “You broke me first” - Tate McRae




	13. Asking for Nothing

“Only think about him on the weekdays and weekends. 

Only in the mornings and evenings. 

Only when I wake up and sleep in, oh my God.

Should have read the warning on the label, I don’t. 

Said proceed with caution, but I won’t. 

Guess I do it often, I know. 

I’m already gone (I’m already gone).

It’s sad but true. 

I’d go to hell and back

If I could go there with you. 

What do I do?”

-Stupid by Tate McRae 

Madison Beer “Selfish”

* * *

  
  


You took the next day to be on your own. The muscle relaxer had allowed you to sleep so peacefully since your accident that you didn’t want to spoil the clarity it gave you. You left your data pad behind in your unit, dressed in a simple linen top, linen pants, your boots, and wandered the ship. Your feet took you down corridors familiar at first, that grew stranger and stranger. It was odd to you that in all your time on this destroyer there were still corridors you had never tread. You noted how the styling went from sleek First Order to rough industrial. Once you reached a maze-like storage room you wandered through to a quiet space to sit. 

You leaned against the boxes cross legged still pondering the events that had transpired since you met Kylo. Who you were before you met him. Who you were now. Before you had a singular focus: Serve the First Order, stash all of your credits, and hopefully get out without them being passed along with your ashes to your mother. It was a bleak existence, but one with a regular heartbeat you understood. The only disruption to your life was being torn from sleep by alarms demanding you sprint to the launch bay. 

Now your life was a whirlwind of emotions. You always anticipated each morning seeing Kylo. Just catching a glimpse of him whether it be enraged, or full of pain, sent a feeling of affection through you that was unlike any you had ever felt. You tried to calculate all of the times he had been truly affectionate towards you without pain seeping into it. Those moments were difficult to find. The kiss in the stairwell may be the one time he was truly there with you, truly himself for once. In all of the moments spent alone how was that enough? You cared for him even while he was being torn apart, maybe even more so in those moments. It just didn’t make sense to fight for him when he wouldn’t try to inside to help in the eye of the storm. You had to stand outside the ripping winds getting hit with the debris caught on it’s violent winds. 

He couldn’t allow himself to be happy with you and stop thinking about what if’s. Because of that he felt like he had to protect you constantly, never considering that you were strong enough to save yourself. Even when your abilities saved you in Snoke's test, surviving because of what you were, it wasn’t enough to change his obsession with distancing himself. 

Was it self loathing like you had thought? A need to reinforce his agony to gain strength, using you like a tool? Was he still convinced that what you feel is a lie created by the force? There were so many possibilities to his behavior. His need to shut everyone out including you made it impossible to understand why. You didn’t deserve to continue struggling with your own questions. All this guess work brought was pain that was warping your mind into something ugly.  _ Like a Sith.  _ You finally rose to your feet making a difficult decision. If he wouldn’t communicate, if he wouldn’t try, you were done twisting yourself to be there for him. Your life was wreckage because of this thing you felt for him, but no more. You had given everything, literally your life, for him  _ TWICE _ and it was time to put an end to the character warping situation.  _ It isn’t a relationship, it is hope. Hope is a dangerous thing. It can start fires that warm, or destroy. _ You thought as you began your journey from the darkest depths of the destroyer. 

You spent the time walking back aimlessly focusing on who you were before Kylo, and who you would be serving as a Knight. You would be loyal, you would not falter in your duties to the First Order, to Kylo. You weren’t sure how you would handle being near him, and how Kylo would handle the change in your behavior toward him but it had to be done to save yourself.  _ He loves you. He just doesn’t know it yet. And you love him I think. _ Your mother's words hounded you as you made your way to your unit to call for food. You didn’t want to see anyone today, just yourself. Today you needed to be with yourself. 

Once you had eaten, and drained all of the tea provided, you sat down at your desk to begin evaluating replacements for your position. Despite wanting to stay to yourself today you could never waste an entire day away no matter how hard you tried. You had always been a hard worker, using every ounce of waking hours to benefit. Wandering the halls had given you a new clarity, but a sense of abandoned duty.

The following week was filled with hands-on work. If you had to speak with someone you made a point of going in person to discuss the issue. It was hard at first to do. All you wanted in your new reality without Kylo in your future was to stay isolated. You wanted to hide in your unit and stare into the vastness of space while you awaited Kylo to possibly show up and change your mind. . . or hurt you again. The change of pace instead of isolation left you exhausted each night, while the movement through the ship helped ease your stress that Kylo may show up at your unit to talk with you again. You were back to eating fairly regularly, 2 meals a day, and sleep was fairly dreamless. Despite your efforts you could still feel a piece of Kylo within you. It was the deep connection you held between each other in the force. It was like knowing your heart was beating, but only feeling it when you placed your hand on your pulse, so you kept your hands busy. 

The morning you were to land on the Benathy home world you rose very early to join the countless others in preparations. You donned your combat flight suit, well aware of how inappropriate it was for the command ship that was always a reasonable distance from the field of potential battle. You preferred the distaste on Hux’s face over the flimsy unprotected First Order uniforms. You strapped on your armor, holster, blaster pistol, spare ammo, grabbed your data pad, before heading to the launch bay where the mission briefing aboard the command shuttle was to take place. 

You had asked your captains, squadron leaders, and other officers under your command to meet you just before the meeting. This was the first time you held command where you knew that conflict would most likely happen. If you could you would thank each of your personnel directly beforehand. The crew was too vast so you settled for their superiors in hopes they would relay the gratitude. 

You walked into the launch bay surveying the officers grouped together. Once you were spotted by the 2nd wing commander he called them loudly to attention. You watched a metamorphosis happen before your eyes as they all moved seamlessly into neat columns and rows according to rank. You nodded to the 2nd officer walking in front of the personnel before you. “Good morning everyone. Please, at ease.” You said smiling softly. They shifted their positions once more simultaneously. 

“Where you are about to go, they don’t like you. They hate you in fact. You see, a long time ago men and women just like ourselves, with the same orders, came to their doorstep. They wanted the same things we did. Where they didn’t succeed in negotiation they pushed back with force. The Galactic Empire failed that day. You are not the Galactic Empire. You are the First Order.” You said walking between the columns to look at the personnel standing before you. “You are  MY WING . You are the finest crew the First Order has to offer, and perhaps the known galaxies. I chose each of you because of your dedication, your skills, your records, your professionalism. I feel privileged to command you. I wanted to take this moment before we go into an unknown hostile situation to thank you for being here with me. For helping to support me, to the First Order, but mostly for supporting one another. When the shit hits the fan, and it will, remember to support one another.” You made your way back to the front of the columns and looked out at everyone as whole. “ Know that you are not just a face in the First Order, you are my people. My wing. You hold the sky in the palm of your hand. Thank you. You are dismissed to continue preparations for the mission.” 

As your personnel filed past you, you shook as many of their hands as possible not knowing how many would come back. The 2nd commander, sure, but the squadron leaders? The captains? There was no telling. You hoped that Hux and Kylo would be able to negotiate to spare the blood. Knowing Kylo the way you thought you did, that was not something you would never bet on. You felt a twinge of guilt at judging him so negatively.

“That was an unorthodox address.” Hux’s cold voice spoke up from behind you. Your personnel gave proper greetings as they passed by Hux, Kylo, and a few other officers. You fell into stride beside Hux as he headed toward the shuttle. “I believe that recognition and open appreciation can go a long way in changing a person. We can send them into battle with half a heart, or full of purpose. I choose purpose Sir.” You could see Kylo's helmet turn to look at you at your words, but chose to ignore him. Hux looked to you as well with a raised eyebrow. “Whatever works, Commander. As long as we win.” 

The pre-mission briefing was fast as the AAL’s were already leaving the launch bays loaded with troops heading to the surface. Each division covered the basis of your tactics, making last minute alterations to back up strategies, formations, then launched for the surface. As you entered the atmosphere the fighting had already broken out, creating chaos. The command shuttle landed behind the front lines, allowing Kylo and a few officers to lead from the front while you tried to handle the incoming reports from your squadron leaders. You tore your eyes away from your screens for a moment watching Kylo leave. You wanted to go to him to say goodbye, just in case, before you caught the unhealthy reaction.  _ He could have said goodbye. He chose not to try. A simple thought would suffice. He did not, nor is he your concern.  _ You retracted your attention to communicating with your officers. 

The battle was long and bloody. The Benathy people had numbers on their side, but the First Order had fire power. This caused both sides to have a fairly equal chance of success. You lost 2 TIE/LN to a surprising attack before pulling the rest of your ships back, opting to use the stronger, heavier hitting bombers. Hours later you were just wondering if the First Order was going to have to kill every last Benathy before the fighting would stop, when a ceasefire was called. You sat back in your chair watching the last of the skirmishes come to a still. “You have the bridge.” Hux said, looking to his second in command. You watched him leave to no doubt attempt negotiations, flanked by stormtroopers. You took the silence in the battle to go to the shuttles ramp with a handheld long range viewer. The view that emerged as you approached was filled with smoke. Storm troopers were slowly making their way through the cratered, corpse scattered field far below you to file back into lines to prepare for another engagement. The smell of singed flesh, coppery blood, and scorched earth choked your nostrils. You cleared your throat looking away from the field of battle. You had seen the same up close before, and the memories were threatening to come crashing in. Memories of screams, vacant eyes, bodys blown in half.  _ No. Not today. _ You whispered, tightening your hands on the viewer. 

You raised the viewer following Hux , Kylo and the party to tents at the far side of the battle field. You couldn’t stop the feeling of a growing danger. You lowered the viewer for a moment to look over the battlefield with your own eyes. There were no signs of rising skirmishes, no blaster fire lighting up the slowly settling haze in the air. You frowned, still unable to shake the feeling.  _ It’s because this is Kylo’s little mission to prove he’s better than Vader. You shouldn’t be here at all if it wasn’t for his need for proving himself. He won’t admit it but I know that’s why we’re here.  _

You were still staring over the battlefield, searching for a problem, when you heard it. A screeching roar that came from the distance. The hair on your arms raised up as you watched a distant form on the horizon. The earpiece in your ear once filled with calm idle prattle from your officers now lit up in a chorus of clamoring reports on this new threat. You raised the viewers up to look at its form, doing quick calculations on its arrival time before searching for Hux’s party. They were running now across the battlefield losing storm troopers quickly from a pursuit of Benathy hostels. You whirled around running up the ramp. “GET THIS SHIT IN THE AIR NOW! TIE squadrons leaders I want you picking off those trailing Benathy behind the General. Remaining squadrons to suppress incoming hostels to support infantry movement. PRIORITY TARGET IS THE GENERAL. ENGAGE WHEN CLEAR!” You yelled into the earpiece as you ran into the command station. The officer Hux had left in command was scrambling around trying to handle the onslaught of questions. “COMMANDER GET THIS FUCKING SHUTTLE ON STANDBY NOW!” You yelled running to the weapons rack to snatch a rifle from it. You ran back towards the ramp of the ship. You should be in your seat, keeping your head low, minding your business. You knew that, but your heart was telling you something completely different. 

You ran to the top of the ramp and laid on your stomach to stabilize your aim. You tucked the stock into your shoulder, folding your arm under to grip the stock in a vice grip against the shoulder firmly. You peered down the scope searching for the Generals party. “I need somebody in the air to engage that thing and buy us some time. It’s approach is too fast. The general is not going to make it if we don’t.” You were controlling your breathing as you focused on the Benathy still persuing the General, Kylo, and a few remaining storm troopers. You squeezed the trigger blasting one off of its feet, narrowing passing by the General. Through the scope you could see Kylo whirl around to look in your direction. As he stared in your direction you fired again. The blaster bolt missed Kylo’s head by a foot, ripping through the side of an approaching Benathy’s head. You could hear the scream of the TIE LN as they entered the skirmish and began blasting away at the Benathy further away from the party in pursuit. You turned your attention away from the now furiously fighting Kylo to continue picking off what hostels you could. 

The shuttles engine turned over, causing a vibration to roll through your body pressed to the metal floor. You could hear the Zillo beast growing louder as a ship engaged it while trying to listen to the incoming radio traffic from attempts to hold it back. The thing was big, clumsy, and easy to out maneuver for the TIE. That was good news for them, and terrible news you realized for a bomber that was joining the effort. The General was the first one to run through the line of advancing storm troopers followed by Kylo, a storm trooper captain, and a single storm trooper that joined his brothers at the front. The General with Kylo ran toward you as you rose from the floor rifle in hand. “YOU ALMOST SHOT ME!” Hux yelled at you in disbelief. You blinked dumbfounded that this was his concern. “. . . No I didn’t. If I wanted to shoot you Sir I would have, which I don’t want obviously. Well not obv-” You stopped holding a hand up and pointing at the Zillo Beast. Hux’s expression went from angry disbelief toward you to shock as his eyes fell on the now massive creature heading toward your front lines. 

Kylo was standing at the end of the command shuttles ramp, holding onto the massive hydraulic arm as he watched the beast. “WE HAVE TO LEAVE REN!” Hux yelled as he started quickly walking to the command center leaving you alone with Kylo. You turned to leave as well when Kylo spoke up loudly. “Tell the pilot to get me over it.” He said holding his cooling light saber hilt in his hand. You stopped turning to look at him. “It’s resistant to blasters, bombs, ion cannons, sabers. It's indestructible.” You said watching him. He turned to look at you. “Nothing is indestructible. . . Nothing. Tell the pilot. That’s an order.” You stared at him quietly, the feeling of danger still looming in your mind. You had a decision to make that wasn’t easy. You looked down at the floor, grateful Kylo was allowing you this moment to think. Finally you cleared your throat. “Command Shuttle Pilot. This is Wing Commander _____. I need you to maneuver the shuttle over that big bitch out there. Can you do that?” You asked. There was a delay before a voice came over your earpiece. “. . . Yes ma’am I can. . . are you sure you want to be over it?” You looked at Kylo wanting to tell the pilot to get you all the fuck out of this mess. You thought quietly about your decision to be loyal, to serve. You had just failed your first test involving your feelings for Kylo, you weren’t going to do it again. “Yes. Do it.” 

The craft banked heading toward the beast as you carefully took a place on the other side of the ramp, grabbing the other hydraulic joint, to look out at the battle with your rifle held in one hand. It was a chaotic swell of bodies, blasters, explosions below your feet. “What went wrong?” You asked, looking now over to Kylo. “They didn’t want to negotiate reasonably.” He replied as a large explosion near your craft drew your attention to try and look out. The radio report in your ear informed you that the explosion was the bomber destroyed by the beast. “. . . Kylo. What are you going to do?” You looked over at him, suppressing once more your need for him. The danger you felt even stronger when you gazed at him. The shuttle banked again as a roar just below you sounded. “I’m going to do what Vader could never do.” He responded looking down. You looked down as well seeing the massive face of the Zillo beast rising towards the ship. It opened its maw revealing the largest mouth you had ever seen. _It’s going to bite the ship right out of the sky._ _How the fuck is he going to kill that thing from up here? Drop a bomb down its throat?_

Before you could raise your rifle you saw Kylo’s light saber ignite beside you. “KYLO NO!” You yelled. He turned his head to look over at you before looking down at the beast still rising. You lunged toward him, trying to stop him as he jumped from the ramp. You could feel his surcoat fabric brush through your fingertips oddly symbolic to you now in this moment.  _ That’s just like him. Just a whisper through your fingers.  _ You laid on the ramp staring as the beast snapped its jaws shut around him. The sound of someone screaming filled your ears as a pain ripped through your chest. You looked around trying to find the source of the noise while you gripped your chest in pain. You sucked in a breath, the screaming stopped, and you realized it was you. 

You staggered to your feet struggling to breathe while staring as the beast went to open its mouth again just below you. You could feel the heat rolling out of it opening maw. You wondered if closing your eyes would make this less insane. Oddly the beast's mouth clamped shut as the shuttle craft gained distance from it. The Zillo beast let out a strange squeal and flailed mid air violently, causing it to start falling from the sky away from the ship toward the heart of the battle. Mid way through the fall it went limp falling toward the ground like a comet. Upon impact the whole battle field seemed to go still. “GET US DOWN THERE!” You yelled into the radio. You could feel your fractured control shattering slowly. Once more you were wondering if he was alive. Despite everything you had tried to work on you couldn’t stop your impulse to run to him. 

You watched as the shuttle banked the stomach of the beast shake, and then Kylo's saber ripped through. Kylo's body was forced out from the gory mess he had made in a tidal wave of bloody meat onto the ground. You lost sight of him while the shuttle craft quickly descended. Once you touched down you ran off of the ramp toward the corpse. Kylo was now standing upright on the top of it pointing his saber at the Benathy warriors who stood stone still. “YOUR GOD IS DEAD!” He roared dripping in blood. “YOU WORSHIP THE FIRST ORDER NOW!” He continued. You turned your back on him as the Benathy began to bow. He had gotten what he wanted, but you knew it wouldn’t bring him joy. 

You walked back onto the command shuttle throwing the rifle to the side as you strode toward the ambassadors ‘suite’. It wasn’t much of a suite, more like a small room, but you needed a moment alone to collect yourself. Your throat hurt from your scream, your body was trembling from the adrenaline of battle, trembling from fear for Kylo that was turning into anger. You stepped into the room and leaned your head against the cold metal of the wall. “Kylo is not your concern anymore. He is his own person. You need to stop placing your feelings where they aren't validated.” You whispered to yourself. You nodded against the cool metal to reconfirm yourself. You stood for a little while addressing pressing issues in your earpiece as you re-centered yourself.

Just as you were nearly settled the door opened. The sound of heavy boots caused you to turn, coming face to face with a very bloody Kylo. You stared at him quietly, pressuring him to speak first. He reached up removing his helmet. The gasket had prevented the blood from reaching his face, luckily. You leaned back against the wall, unsure of what he wanted from you still. He crossed the room with a quizzical look on his face. “You screamed.” He said setting the helmet on a small table beside you. You nodded. “I did.” You replied watching him come to a stop just in front of you. He was at an intimately close distance now, one more step and you could wrap your arms around his neck. He tilted his head searching your face. “Why?” He asked. It seemed that your time spent trying to let go of Kylo had done something to your connection causing him to struggle now. You could sense him searching through it to read you. 

You stood upright and sidestepped around him. “It was just an impulse from that creature nearly killing us all.” You were walking to the door when you felt his hand wrap around your arm and gently pulled you to stop. He turned you to face him. “. . . I always know when you are lying. Even when you are trying to keep me out.” His expression was shifting from curious to pained. You frowned watching it change. You couldn’t understand him again and it was infuriating. Kylo Ren was pained that you wouldn’t express yourself, but couldn’t understand how it hurt you when he did the same? How could he be so dense? “It's personal. I’m sorry I screamed.” You said wanting to turn again but he was still holding your arm looking down at you. You tried to hold a poker face as you looked up at him but those damn amber pools were starting to work on you. You looked to the side feeling your resolve starting to crumble. “Let me go. . . “ The request was deeper than just your arm. You wanted him to release you from this bond, from this draw he had. He was bad for you, you were bad for him, at least Kylo made you think you were. It was maddening. Kylo stooped down suddenly and pressed his lips to the cheek he had backhanded a few nights ago. The gesture was tender, but it reminded you once again that he always gave you a tiny gesture before pushing you away. 

You felt your breath hitch in your chest knowing that everything was going to spill out. You took a sharp step backwards pulling your arm out of his. “Stop.” You whispered holding your hands up. Kylo’s brow furrowed in anger. “What?” He asked, confused. “You don’t get to just do that to me. You don’t get to come in here and get attention from me, then push me away later. I’m not doing this shit with you anymore.” You said putting a hand to your forehead and looking at the ground. “You think I’m using you?” He asked with an incredulous tone. “Yeah Kylo. I do. That or you don’t realize how selfish this is.” You said trying to stop the emotional tears from welling up in your eyes. You hated yourself right now for crumbling this easily. Kylo took an angry step in front of you and grabbed your wrist pulling it away from your face. “Selfish? You think I’m SELFISH!?” He hissed. You looked up at him quickly unable to stop the flood of words. 

“YES. STARS YES KYLO! You are so god damn selfish! You have threatened my friend into leaving me so you could have me alone. For what? A FIGHT? You gave me the most fragile hope, just to push me away once that hope satisfied a primal need. You have put the self proclaimed title of protecting me on your shoulders as if ANYONE asked you to do that with complete disregard for the fact that I CAN SAVE MYSELF! You have these conversations with me over and over again where I share my feelings and you NEVER reciprocate. You shut me right the fuck out.” Kylo’s face was twitching now as he clenched his jaw. You were waiting for a response, but you realized that once again he was going to keep you out of his mind. You clenched your eyes shut struggling to control your breathing as that feeling of hidden strength started to rise in you again. “And. and . . . and then I thought you DIED KYLO!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT FELT LIKE!? WHAT THAT WOULD DO TO ME YOU FUCK!” You yelled opening your eyes to shove him hard. You could feel hot tears streaming down your cheeks freely from raw emotion. 

He stumbled a few steps backwards staring at you now with some surprise. “DID YOU EVEN STOP TO CONSIDER ME WHEN YOU JUMPED FROM THAT FUCKING RAMP! NO YOU DIDN’T!” You took a step toward him with your hand raised wanting to slap that look off his face. You froze realizing you were letting him run your emotions again. You inhaled deeply, exhaled slowly, then opened your eyes to look at him knowing now what those wordless feelings were now. “I love you. I will always love you. I’m not doing this anymore because you will never give me the good parts of you. I won’t live in the shadow of needs higher than me. I want your attention, your trust, or I want nothing. I’m done pouring my love onto you. My heart is empty. I have given you everything.” You said before turning your back on the now fully dumb struck Kylo. You wiped your face vigorously as you walked out of the unit back onto the command bridge to assist in the ‘clean up’. 

You worked quietly coordinating with the other commanders, barely glancing at Kylo as he walked through the bridge helmetleslly towards the ship's ramp. You worked up until the notice was given for the shuttle to return to the destroyer. You looked around the command room noticing Kylo’s presence missing. You stood walking out of the room, through the loading bay and to the top of the ramp. Kylo was sitting on a rock looking over the battlefield. His face was far away as he was thinking deeply.  _ His victory over Vader? Your words?  _ You watched him for a while as the wind caused his hair to flutter. In this moment he looked like a king pondering the future of his realm, of his life. You stood there burning the image in your mind. You weren’t sure if you would ever see his face again after what you had just said.  _ It won’t help your bruised heart. You need to push these feelings down. _ You found it easier now that you had said everything that you needed to. You walked down the ramp slowly to stand at his side looking down at him. “. . .Are you ready to leave?” You asked with your hands folded behind your back formally. Kylo avoided looking at you as he stood. “No.” He replied lingering on the scene before you both before stepping around you. You followed him up the ramp of the command shuttle. He disappeared once more from the command bridge while you settled back into your station. You pondered for a moment over his response outside. Why wouldn’t he be read to leave, and then board anyway?  _ He isn’t ready to leave you.  _ You shook your head walking toward your station.  _ I’m not taking that bait.  _

You relaxed in your chair on the way back considering the day's victory, for the First Order and yourself. You were taking back control of your life now. Purging your feelings today was pushing you even further down that road. You did love Kylo, but bare minimum gestures were a far cry from a relationship. You couldn’t continue to give him what he wanted if he wouldn’t reciprocate in communication. How could you fight beside this man if you didn’t know his wants, needs, thoughts. Even through your bond the emotions he let you have were fleeting. You had no doubt that Kylo was very cautious about letting his guard fall to expose his inner workings like you did. Somehow you had returned that favor today.  _ I don’t want to be in a love that brings me pain. I want a love that brings discoveries. Surprises. A relationship that builds our own galaxy for us to exist in. Like those dreams I would have of us floating in the void of space. Nights of drawing understanding from vulnerable conversations. I want to build something, not feel it constantly slipping through my fingers. If he could just try, just start the process of learning how to be loved by someone. To unlearn those unhealthy habits from the sith, we could have a chance. _ You broke out of your trance as the shuttle craft command crew was notified of the 2nd command duty turnover. You rose from your station going to the loading bay to be prepared for disembarking. 

* * *


End file.
